Some of you know – some of you do not. I have a bad back - which is especially trying at moving time. I've had arthritis in my back and hemorrhaged and ruptured discs since I was 20 years old. Chronic, many times excruciating, physical pain has been my companion for over 2 decades. There are days when the pain is so great that I would prefer to not get out of bed because I know that, even though I am in pain while in the bed, as soon as my feet hit the floor the pain will only intensify. I can usually tell what kind of day it’s going to be before I’m even fully awake. Living with chronic pain has taught me much, but mostly it has taught me acceptance. While acknowledging the pain and not living in denial, I’ve also had to learn how to deal with it, to try to be patient, and to be content in my situation that has no cure – just management.
When the pain first started over 20 years ago and I found out the cause, I tried the pain medicine prescribed for me but the very, very slight relief was not worth what the side effects cost me. I was single then and working full-time while going to college at night. I did, however, do the back exercises I was given and they really did help. My core muscles and lots of other muscles strengthened to help compensate for the things my back could not handle. When the pain first started, I was worried that when I did get married (didn’t even know Rob then) I would not be able to tolerate a pregnancy and anyone who knows me knows how much I wanted children! But I prayed that God would take care of it and I trusted him to do so (and He did – for 3 pregnancies!). I developed a sort of “self-speak” thought pattern combined with being in a constant state of prayer to help myself deal with the pain. And I kept doing the exercises faithfully for many years. I learned ways to adapt. While standing in line, I lean on the shopping cart or if there’s nothing to lean on, I have been known to sit down on the floor for a minute or two. When standing in church while the Scripture is being read after already having been standing for 2 or 3 songs and a creed, I will bend down to pick up something just to move my back so the spasms of pain will stop. Sometimes I hesitate when rising from a seated position because there’s a stab of pain so great that it almost takes my breath. Being still in the same position (sitting or standing) for over 10 minutes or so is my back’s enemy and standing for long periods is almost impossible. So even though there’s no cure for my back, there are things I can do to “deal with it” (and if I would do the exercises faithfully, it would certainly help J).
On the day that Rob was dying, my physical pain and my emotional pain collided like 2 trains in a head-on collision. Standing by his bedside for 24 hours was horrific and painful in SO MANY WAYS on so many levels – but you would not have found me anywhere else but by his side.
Over the years, I have often wondered what “good” can come out of my back pain because God promised in Romans 8:28 that “all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose” but now I have discovered that all of that training and conditioning to deal with chronic pain has helped me deal with grief as well. Grief is just like chronic pain. It never goes away. There is no such thing as a break from the reality that grief is there and Rob is not. But there are moments when it is better than others. If I work at it a little – like doing my back exercises – other parts of my life (mainly my children) can compensate for what my grief cannot handle and those parts of my life can bring me joy at the same time as the pain. So I continue to work at it - acknowledging the pain and not living in denial (I’ve never been in denial over Rob’s death – it was all too real from the moment I first saw him unconscious) but trying to learn how to deal with the glaring absence of Rob’s presence. I’m trying to learn how to deal with it, trying to be patient and to be content in my situation that has no cure – just management.
And even though I’ve compared the 2 – my back pain and my grief – in this post, I can tell you that dealing with everything my back pain situation has caused all combined - for over 20 years – is only like a drop of water compared to dealing with the seemingly never-ending fountain from the sea of grief that has poured over my children and me for the last 6 months.
But I can also tell you that God is faithful and He has never let us drown.
I have blocked that part of the picture)
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