Yesterday...My Grandma Caviness Said It Well

In 1959 and at 18 years old,

my daddy moved out of his parents’ house

to start college as a freshman.

It so happens that I now live in that same house.

And my almost 20 year old daughter

moved out of that very same house yesterday

to transfer as a junior into “sleep away” college.

She will now travel her own path.

In her own way.

It’s what I want for my Anna.

Yet…

…I will admit that when Anna wasn’t in her room the other day,

I crawled into her bed,

hugged her baby blanket,

and cried for an hour.

Many emotions have gone through my mind today

ranging from missing her

to being very excited for her. 

After all, THIS has always been my goal.

As I’ve said before,

my parenting style has always been to work myself out of a job.

To prepare my children,

AT the best of MY ability and

TO the best of THEIR abilities,

with the skill sets necessary

to be independent,

fully-engaged,

self-sufficient,

servant-leader,

contributing members of society.

Yet…

…I will admit that

before Anna was fully awake yesterday,

I crawled into her bed,

put my arms around her,

and cried for 30 minutes.

The boys, Anna, and I had a great day yesterday.

The day was full of fun and excitement –

getting her settled into her dorm room,

walking around her campus,

going out to eat dinner

getting ice cream,

and walking her back to her dorm.

And even though I did tear up a couple of times,

I didn’t even cry until the very end of the day…

…when I had to hug her goodbye and leave her there.

It just seems it all happened in a blink…

…from the first moment I kissed her little newborn face

to the moment I had to leave her yesterday.

I know I will be okay but

this “leaving and letting go” thing is difficult

and I’m left to question,

as all other parents have done before me,

“JUST WHERE DID THE TIME GO?”

In 1959, my Grandma Caviness

wrote down how she felt

about my daddy leaving home.

Tonight,

while sitting in the same house

that both my daddy and my daughter,

57 years apart,  

moved out of to go to college,

reading her poem 
takes on a fresh new meaning for me.

My Grandma Caviness said it well:

 Elizabeth Caviness 1959

SEPTEMBER

I gazed into his room

And found it, oh so bare!

It held so much just yesterday;

Today there’s mostly air.

A bed, a desk and shelves;

Pencils too short to use.

So little to show for eighteen years;

Today he left for school.

Too many places set at the table;

Some extra chores to do;

This emptiness deep down inside---

I guess my heart went, too.

The Experience Is On

Dear Rob, Just Wishing...

Dear Rob,

I wish you were here.

I don’t sit around wishing that very often.

At almost 5 years into you being gone,

I know wishing it usually just makes it worse.

But tonight, right now, I am wishing it.

I am wishing you were here.

Our teenage sons are in the living room playing a game together and, for who knows what reason, they are singing a song from Sponge Bob.  With one really deep voice and one “getting there but not quite as deep” voice, they are belting out this song with zeal as they play a video game.  Their voices joining together as they are playing and singing without a care in the world made (and is making) my heart smile and it would yours too.

Our Anna is in her room packing up to move out of the house.

She leaves for college in 2 days (1 day by the time this posts).

She is going through her things – deciding what to take and what not to take.

Pondering just how much stuff can fit into that tiny dorm room.

Washing clothes one last time for free.

Planning her last steps to living independently from her mother

after already having been forced by your death to live independently from you.

I wish you were here for her.

To help carry her stuff into her dorm room as you did for her older sister.

To tell her how proud you are and how excited you are for her.

To give her a parent speech about holding true to her values

and to keep on loving Jesus more than anything else – EVER.

To tell her goodbye and tell her you love her.

To try unsuccessfully to hold back your tears as we start to walk away from her dorm.

Then to turn and hug her yet again and tell her you love her and always will.

(Even though you were a Duke fan, you would have proudly worn this shirt)!

I wish you were here for me.

To remember with 

– things about our Anna that only you and I experienced 

– memories that only you and I shared.

To be excited for our girl with.

To laugh and be grateful with that at least Anna’s not on the 10^th floor like Crystol was!

To be sad with.

To come home without her with.

To cuddle up to in bed with as we spend the first night without her living in our house.

To miss her with.

It’s just incredibly hard doing this without you.

It’s just incredibly sad doing this without you.

I don’t want to walk through this weekend alone.

If throwing myself on the floor kicking and screaming 

and pitching a temper tantrum fit could bring you back
for this weekend, 

I would be doing it.

But it won’t.

So I will do what I’ve been doing for almost 5 years now.

With God’s strength, I will parent alone.

I will get her moved in – with the help of her brothers.

I will give the last minute speeches.

I will be excited for her as she starts on this new part of her journey
for her junior and senior years of college.

I will tell her how proud of her I am and how proud you would have been.

I will tell her how much you loved her and how much I do.

I will give her some money.

I will hug her goodbye as I, again, tell her I love her.

And as I walk away from that dorm, 

I will not even try to hold back the tears.

Because I will be missing you both.

Love,

Janna 

9 Days

In 9 days, my Anna leaves for “sleep away” college.

She’s been ready to go since she was 2.

Since I homeschooled her, I was blessed with extra time with her.

And since she lived at home while completing her Associate Degree at a community college, 

I was even blessed with 2 extra years of time with her.

As I said, she’s been ready since she was 2.

I am SO proud of her and SO excited for her!

 But I don’t know that I ever will be ready.