Thursday

Took Luke back to the doctor today...

he just wasn't getting better

he got Prednisone (a steroid)...

he's breathing much better...

he was even hungry tonight - he ate 3 tacos.

Thanks for the prayers!

Got the living room cleared for the inside fireplace work tomorrow.

The under the house work was done yesterday.

I'm really tired of living in limbo and moving things from one place to another.

I've been doing it for a year now.

I will be grateful when my house is finished and I can really settle in.

Picked up Anna's car from the shop.  It has a new radiator.

And in the middle of all of this, I remembered to check the mail.

And this is what was in my mailbox today.

A condolence letter from Duke University.

It was a nice letter about a terrible fact that they were just now made aware of - 

my Rob's death.  

Life This Week...So Far

This is how we have spent much of the last 48 hours.

  

(Gotta love the hair!)  

Luke has bronchitis.  Miserable night last night.  

He finally told me he was afraid to go to sleep b/c he is afraid he will die like his dad did. 

After a lot of reassurance that he has young, strong lungs and that we have every reason to believe that he WILL wake up, he finally slept some.  I did not. 

He is still wheezing pretty bad today.  Fever is lower (but not gone) this morning but it always is down in the morning when he is sick.  Hopefully, it might break sometime today...

Meanwhile, my house is jacked up for all of the repairs and it's worse than we thought.

And Anna's car needs a new radiator.

All in all, it's just been a lovely week so far :)  

However, I am thankful that we have medicine for my boy,

someone to repair the car, 

and someone who will repair my house the correct way...

Additional photos

Just FYI, I added a couple of photos to yesterday's post.  I couldn't find them last night.  I found them today.

September 23rd - 2 different years

On September 23, 2011, I put on this suit for the very first time...

...to wear to my husband's funeral.

Today, I wore the same suit to take my dad to preach Homecoming at one of his first churches.

In 2011, it rained.

Today, it did not.

In 2011, Rob's funeral was at 11 a.m.

Today, the Homecoming service also started at 11 a.m. and as the service got underway, all I could think about was the start of Rob's funeral.

In 2011, my dad did a great job preaching my husband's funeral.

Today, my dad did a great job preaching Homecoming.

In 2011, my children gathered together at the end of their dad's funeral to release the doves.

Today, they gathered together to play a game as they waited for church to start.

In 2011, they were so sad.

Today, although they were mindful of the date of today ----

they were okay.

In 2011 after the funeral, most of the flowers were arranged in the shape of a cross 

and placed on his grave...

...although we did save some.

Today, I placed a new arrangement on his grave.  

It's the first day of Fall.  Rob loved Fall.  

So I bought an arrangement with all of the Fall colors that he loved. 

It's been a year since my husband's funeral.

Life for all of us who loved him has continued.

September 23, 2012 will end in about an hour.

But in many ways, it seems September 23, 2011 will just keep echoing...

...and never will end. 

September 20, 2011 - September 20, 2012

A year since my Rob died.

There just are no words...

...or pictures to match my thoughts and feelings

as I approach this day.

This is the closest I came to finding one...

The Struggle Between Life and Death

September 19, 2011

The day my Rob's life on earth hung between the balance of life and death.

It's such a very thin line...

...something I never really understood until that day.

The day of struggle.

The struggle Rob's body was making to recover from whatever made him unconscious.

The struggle my mind was making to start accepting what I just knew was coming.

The struggle to tell his children that their daddy was not coming home from the hospital this time.

The struggle to call his parents and tell them that another son was dying.

(Rob's brother, Eric - at almost 21 yrs. old - died in 1985).

The struggle to execute decisions that had already been made but I had to authorize.

They will remain only shared with those in them, but I took 7 pictures that day.  

I knew I would need to see them later.  And I have.  

Around 12 hours after we first arrived at the hospital, I took one picture of Rob by himself.  He was hooked up to a ventilator by the time I took the picture so wires and tubes are everywhere.

I took one of Anna and Rob.  Anna's head is snuggled up to her daddy's side and over his hand.  

She was crying.

I took three of the boys as they kissed, hugged, and told their daddy good-bye and how much they loved him.

I took one of Crystol as she, through her tears, kissed her daddy.

And the last picture I have of my Rob alive is around 8:30 p.m. on September 19, 2011.  It is a photo of my Rob with both of his daughters - Anna on one side, Crystol on the other.  

Each daughter is holding one of his hands.

Those photos have helped me to comprehend and confirm over and over and over that we did all we could do.  Those photos have helped me over and over and over know that my Rob was tired.  Those photos have helped me over and over and over know that Rob fought as hard as he could to overcome all of the issues and that the doctors, nurses, and his family and friends did all they could to help him fight.  Those photos have helped me over and over and over know that he had fought all he could fight and for Rob, 

his race was truly finished.  

Those photos have helped me over and over and over KNOW 

that for Rob,

death was the most merciful thing that could have happened. 

For those of us being left behind, it did not feel merciful,

but for Rob by that point,

it was.

Over and over and over that day, I prayed for 

STRENGTH, MERCY, and GRACE.

At times, all I could do was quietly whisper the words,

"strength, mercy, and grace."

And here we are, a year later.

Proof that the prayer was answered.

We made it through and we are still making it.

But there are still times when the struggle knocks me to my knees...

and all I can do is quietly whisper the words,

"strength, mercy, and grace."

September 18, 2011

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The last day we spent with Rob while he was conscious

It is 9 a.m. as I start to type this.  Last year at 9 a.m., we were all getting dressed to leave for Rob to preach Homecoming at the church where his dream of becoming a minister came true.  While he was a student at Duke Divinity School, he was also the pastor of 2 churches.  He was so happy to be appointed to Franklinville and Rehobeth.  I will never forget the day he got the phone call.  One of those sweet memories that only he and I shared.

I, of course, took pictures last September 18th.  If I had known that only 16 hours after the pictures were recorded on film (or memory card) that Rob would be unconscious, there would have been SO many more photos.

But we did not know...

 Someone offered to take a family photo but Rob was so busy talking with everyone that he never did make his way back to the altar and I gave up getting one and just took pictures of the kids.  If I had known it would be my last chance for a family photo, I would have made sure to get one.

But we did not know...

The man (who was a middle school/ high schooler when we lived there) who kept the nursery on many Sundays.  Anna adored Craig.

More photos of the kids during the meal but none of Rob.  He was off talking.

Rob and I both always loved this old part of the church.  

This is the choir room where Rob, Anna, and I spent many choir practices.

This is Rob's view from the pulpit.

We wanted a photo of Rob in the pulpit.  We were going to compare them with the ones we took years ago when he first stood there.  He had me take so many way back then - at Franklinville's pulpit and at Rehobeth's pulpit.  He was thrilled to be standing in the position he had wanted for so long - at a pulpit.

I, of course, never minded taking photos of my handsome husband.  If I had known these photos would be the last photos I would take of my husband while he was breathing on his own, I would have taken more.

But I did not know...

We then went outside to the river that runs behind the church.  We loved walking at that river.  We had picnics there when we lived there.  I did not get one single picture of my Rob there that day.  The preacher had walked down there with us and I didn't want to interrupt their conversation.

I did not notice until much later, but I did get a photo of his hand in this frame.

 And then as we were leaving, I snapped this photo of my Anna.  I thought it was just such a gorgeous picturesque view.  

Now I find it symbolic.  

The last picture of our last conscious day with Rob was Anna walking away.  

We, of course, did not know that just 16 hours later, we would all start walking through the hardest day of our lives.  

We did not know that every aspect of our lives would change - after this day.

We did not know...

but God did.

And knowing that He has taken care of us since that day and will continue to do so is what helps us through the hard days.