March 30, 2012

March 30, 2012 started with my children cooking breakfast for me.

The kids then gave me my birthday gifts from them.  Thank you my Anna, my Wesley, and my Luke!

From Anna:

From Wesley:

From Luke:

I needed to go to my parents' house to prepare my dad's insulin needles (he takes 2 shots a day and I forgot to prepare them when I was there Tuesday) so since I was going down there...

...Wesley and I took a load of stuff  -  (I always load every square inch of that old van but I saved a little room this time because I knew I had to stop on the way down and buy groceries for my parents - see the groceries stuffed all over the "extra" space : )

My dad also needed stamps and when I stopped at the post office, my keychain caught my eye.  I've been using this same keychain since the day I got my license - my 16th birthday - 28 years ago.  After my dad took me to get my driver's license that day, he took me to the Christian bookstore and asked me if I wanted to pick out a keychain.  I picked out this one and have used it since.  It always reminds me to trust God in EVERY situation - I GRIPPED it very hard on the way to the hospital 6 months ago.  And it always reminds me of my dad and how much he loves me and how much I love him.  That was a good thing to remember today.

 

Wesley and I unloaded all of our stuff into my barn (most of it heavy and most of it to the 2nd floor) and then unloaded into my parents' new home the TV stand I bought for my mom and dad's TV and a card table to use temporarily while going about the moving process.

We got back to the parsonage just in time to go pick up a friend of Anna's and then take both of them to another friend's house for a movie night.  When we arrived at the first friend's house, her family (who are all friends of ours) had this beautiful gift waiting for me.  Thank you to The Byrds!

While Anna was enjoying her movie night with friends, Wesley, Luke, and I went out to eat to celebrate my birthday.  We had a great evening!

Thank you to those who sent birthday cards by mail, email, and hand-delivered and thank you to those who gave me a call today -  I got 10 birthday calls. 

And even though I thought of my Rob all. day. long. and I missed him very much,

today was a very blessed day indeed. 

And today, when I bought my parents' groceries, I bought these...

...this one for my children...

...this one for me. 



 

My Birthday

It is after midnight so it is officially March 30, 2012. 

My 44th birthday. 

My first birthday without Rob.

March 30, 2011 - Rob brought a pecan pie home for me (pecan pie is my favorite pie). 

 I'm famous for eating the pecans off of the top with only a little bit of the crust...

...and then Rob would eat the rest. 

Smile. 

Thankful - Days 30-37, March 22-29, 2012

THANKFUL

I'll try to add some pictures tomorrow.  I'm too tired tonight :) 

Day 30 - Thursday, March 22, 2012

Janna - that my dad got a great report at the eye doctor

Anna - The Hunger Games

Wesley - pets (then he added that he wished we had one)

Luke - computers

Day 31 - Friday, March 23, 2012

Janna - Anna's friends - I'm thankful she has a great circle of friends

Anna - Ellen

Wesley - cell phones - they're useful

Luke - bandages

Day 32 - Saturday, March 24, 2012

Janna - Rob's guitar - Even though I can no longer hear him play it, I am joyfully observing and taking in the sounds of Rob's guitar as our son, Wesley, is learning to play

Anna - my youth groups

Wesley - chopsticks

Luke - the Ipad

Day 33 - Sunday, March 25, 2012

Janna - snuggle time with my boys

Anna- sleep

Wesley - cameras

Luke - babies

Day 34 - Monday, March 26, 2012

Janna - Facetime on the Ipad - my kids love talking to their cousins on it

Anna - trees

Wesley- beaches

Luke - my cousin, Jay

Day 35 - Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Janna- Mama's doctor appointment went well

Anna - Chorus class

Wesley - our car so we can get around

Luke - that I don't have chapped lips

Day 36 - Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Janna- that the septic system in in at my parents' new home

Anna - shelter

Wesley - that I have friends at youth to do stuff with

Luke - coats to keep us warm on cold days

Day 37 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

Janna - running into some friends today - good to catch up

Anna - my health

Wesley - cartoons

Luke - paint

6 months - (The day called the 19th)

Someone asked me if I was going to write a post about September 19, 2011 - the day Rob lay dying in the hospital.  The ambulance was called during the middle of the night on Sunday - which was technically Monday morning, Sept. 19th.  He died at 4:13 a.m. on Tuesday morning, Sept. 20th.  So the 24 hours from when I first saw him unconscious to when he took his last breath was really the 19th and the 20th.  I never left his side (except to come out and update people and when they closed ICU to visitors and they made me leave  from around 6:30 p.m. until almost 8 p.m. on the 19th).  So, I went to bed on Sunday the 18th, woke up 4 hours later on the 19th to my husband being unconscious, and then did not sleep again until way after midnight (I think around 1 or 2 a.m) on the night of the 20th (I guess technically the 21st) - if you can call what I did that night "sleep," that is.

To answer the person's question of whether or not I will write a post about that day (since I did write about the 18th and the 20th), I have written about that day - the 19th.  But I have not written it in a form I'm ready to share nor do I know if I ever will be. 

All I'm ready to share right now is that that day was the most horrific, most horrible, most painful, most awful, most traumatic day I have ever lived. 

It was also a day when I felt your love for Rob and for me from many, many of you. 

Thank you for that.    

It was a day that I kept asking God for strength, mercy, and grace. 

It was a day that He gave all three.

Finding Things

As the daughter of a preacher and then as the wife of a preacher, I have been moving since I was 9 months old.  I always cry some when I'm packing up for a parsonage move.  For me, as a child and as an adult, parsonage and ministry moves were always so bittersweet - knowing it was time to go but packing up the dreams from the current place was and is hard. 

But this move - this very last parsonage move - is so very different.

I've not cried some.  This time, I've been in a continual state of tears.  And it's coming across things like these that cause the tears to run like a waterfall...

(a few things from the bin that contains all of the things that I have meant to, for 18 years, arrange and place in my beautiful wedding scrapbook but have never gotten around to it.)

              (left-over material from the making of my wedding dress and napkins from our wedding)

(this is Rob's handwriting on this bin)

(notes from my Rob)

Oh, how I wish he had not run out of breaths.

Precious Pearls

I wore these on the day I married him...

Even before September 2011, I thought of him and our wedding every. single. time. I wore these - which was and is often...

I love this necklace and these earrings...only costume jewelry that matched lots of the notions we put on my wedding dress (the one I designed, the one for which I shopped and purchased the material, lace, and notions, and the one I had made especially for me and our day)...

This necklace and these earrings - bought at Thalhimer's department store specifically for my wedding day...but loved and worn often throughout the years...in fact, I wore them to church today.

This picture was taken on the morning of September 11, 2011 at 8:20 a.m. - 1 week before his last conscious day.  I had already planned on starting a blog and a post about this necklace and these earrings was going to be one of my first posts...so that morning, when I got them out and I thought of him and our wedding, I snapped this picture. 

This necklace and these earrings...not worth much monetarily...

...but truly priceless to me.

This necklace and these earrings...I also wore them on the day we buried him.

Thankful- Days 23-29, March 15-21, 2012

Catching up on our THANKFUL POSTS

We have been writing them down daily.  It's our night time ritual now.  Sometimes the kids run up to me during the day and say, "I've got my thankful for today."  Sometimes they have to struggle to think of something.  But they always do!

I'm thankful for or glad that:

Day 23 - Thursday, March 15, 2012

Janna- my cousin Chris and my uncle Raymond for clearing and preparing the place for my storage barn and for my parents' home

Anna- pranks

Wesley - it was a great day with no rain and no storms

Luke - the power did not go out

Day 24 - Friday, March 16, 2012

Janna - Rob's headstone has no mistakes and is in place

Anna - friends

Wesley - Daddy got his headstone in place

Luke - legos

Day 25 - Saturday, March 17, 2012

Janna -  my parents' new home is safely in place

Anna - Dr. Seuss

Wesley - I got to play with Garrett today at the birthday party

Luke- paint

Day 26 - Sunday, March 18, 2012

Janna - I was able to parent Rob's daughter and that I was able to conceive, give birth to, and parent our other daughter and his two sons - I'm thankful that I have the 4 best children in the world

Anna - Mrs. Tracy (her Sunday School teacher)

Wesley - farmers because they grow our food and fruit - for juice

Luke - things heal (he currently has about 10 scratches on his legs and arms:)

AND

I talked with Crystol today - she's been reading my blog - she said I could add her thankful for today...

Crystol - I am finished with college and I am spending a Sunday afternoon NOT doing school work!   (and just as any proud parent should, I will brag that she has completed a Bachelor's degree and 2 Master degrees)

Day 27 - Monday, March 19, 2012

Janna - friends - whom I've known for 25 years - and again, God's peace

Anna - dance

Wesley - I had fun with Cindy, Harold, Benjamin, Jenny, & Joseph going out to eat Japanese food

Luke - light and sunshine

Day 28 - Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Janna-  my Rob is experiencing Heaven

Anna - the sun

Wesley - sodas

Luke - television

Day 29 - Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Janna - Since my storage building has passed inspection, every time I need to go to my parents' house for anything, I take a load of stuff (might as well not waste gas as expensive as it is now).  I had to meet the engineer from the power company today at my parents' new home so today was the 2nd load this week and I plan on taking another one tomorrow when I go to take my dad to the eye doctor.  I am thankful for my boy, Wesley, and his willingness to help load and unload the things to take.  In fact, he actually thinks it's fun - and with him along for the ride, it actually has been.  He's been helping me remember how, as a child, so many parts of the moves were so exciting to me.  And even though Wesley is grieving that we have to leave here and that everything is changing yet again, he is enjoying the exciting parts.  And watching that, through my son's eyes, gives me joy. 

Anna - for my IPod

Wesley - I am glad that Hughes Net (not always reliable) actually worked at Maw Maw and Paw Paw's house today

Luke - we didn't get hurt in last Saturday's thunderstorm and that lightening did not strike our house

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now, back on the road again to go pick up Anna from Theatre class...

Janna

6 months - (The day called the 20th)

It's been 6 months today since my Rob died. 

How is that even possible?

I've thought of almost nothing else today - the fact that it's been half of a year.

I finished cleaning out the boxes and bags in the garage.  Wesley and I took a load of stuff down to the barn at my other house.  We stopped and got my dad a new toothbrush and I bought Wesley a Dr. Pepper and some peppermint patties (he LOVES those things so much that they used to be my bribery for good behavior from him at preschool).  The kids did school (well, Wesley got a little bit of a break since we left at 1 p.m. and he helped me load and unload heavy stuff).  We got home just in time to take Luke to Art and Anna to Chorus and Dance.  I brought Luke home.  I finished sweeping out the garage.  I loaded the trash.  I got Luke's asthma prescription filled.  I took the library books back.  I picked up Anna from her classes.  We got home at 9:30 p.m. 

And through all of that activity, I thought of Rob all day long.  And what I kept thinking about was what I'm thankful for today.  I will still honestly say that if I had the choice and the power to do so, I would bring Rob back in a heartbeat because he could be here with me, help me finish raising our children, live a long life, and THEN go back to heaven.  BUT - since I do not have that choice and that power is not within me - I am thankful, for my beloved Rob, that he was one of the "whosoevers" of John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."    I am thankful my Rob is with Jesus.  I am thankful and it gives me joy to think about how much pure happiness and JOY he has experienced in the last 6 months.  I am truly thankful and it gives me joy to think that he is free from his ailments and

he is just simply free - with no burdens. 

And that is what I've thought today - not about me without a husband and not about the children without a father.  What kept coming to mind today was my Rob and what he is experiencing -

and for that, I am thankful.

The following song kept coming to mind as well.  I'm posting a link to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII

The lyrics are:

"I Can Only Imagine"

"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side...
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me!
I can only imagine. I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

I can only imagine, when that day comes, when I find myself standing in the Son!
I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!

I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!! Only imagine!!!
I can only imagine.

I can only imagine, when all I do is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine."

6 months - (The day called the 18th)

(All pictures in this post taken on September 18, 2011)

6 months ago today, my Rob preached his last sermon - for Homecoming at the first church where he, in 1995, was appointed as pastor 

6 months ago today, my children had their last day with a conscious dad  

6 months ago today, I had my last conversation with my husband

6 months ago today, I last saw his smile

6 months ago today, I last heard his voice

6 months ago today, I went to bed not knowing how I would awaken

6 months ago today, my husband put our children to bed

6 months ago today, my husband told Anna good night and he loved her

6 months ago today, my husband then went to Wesley and Luke’s room

6 months ago today, my husband prayed the boys’ personal prayers with them

6 months ago today, my children’s father, as they did each night, then prayed The Lord’s Prayer with them before they started to drift off to sleep

6 months ago today, my husband’s last words – ever – were

“Good night, I love you” to his sons

 6 months ago tonight, the ambulance was called and it was the beginning of the end

6 months ago – in 1 ½ days from now – my Rob died

6 months’ passage of time –

6 months – so little time when we’ve just moved somewhere new and I say to others,

“Oh, we’ve only lived here 6 months.”

6 months – so much time when our babies turned from newborns to thriving 6 month olds

with personalities all their very own 

6 months since Rob died – it seems as if time has stood still and it has been neither

so little time or so much time –

it just seems as if the nightmare of Rob’s death and the reality of his absence is ever present -

and yet it’s been half of a year

6 months - they said it would get better in time – and it really, really does in some ways –

but it has also simultaneously gotten worse