Forward

In August 2011, the month before Rob died, I opened a new email account for the express purpose of using that email to start a blog about our family.  The intent was to start archiving (with photos and with words) our family's past; to chronicle our present; and to watch (through the blog) our future turn into our present and then into our past.  That was my intent.

Since both of my parents were living with us in the parsonage at that time (my dad had fallen and broken his pelvic bone and his arm and they were living with us while he recuperated), I did not have much free time to actually get the blog started.  Mama and Daddy moved back to their home during the last week of 

August 2011 just in time for a planned work / family trip to work out after all.  Rob had a conference in Myrtle Beach, SC.  And for the first time in forever, Crystol's schedule worked out for her to fly down and join us for the 4 day trip.  So Rob, Crystol, Anna, Wesley, Luke and I spent the last week of August getting a family photo made (which was always a fun adventure - ask Crystol) and then heading to the beach.  And in between conference sessions, Rob joined us for family time.  

And then he died 3 weeks later. 

And EVERY thing changed.

I came across a quote today that made me think about my intent for this blog way back when in August 2011.  And it made me think about what someone said to me recently.  Someone said to me (with the purest of heart and with good intentions) that I needed to spend less time thinking about my past and move forward into my future. 

First of all, I have been moving forward into my future since I was able (with God's strength) to take that first step out of the hospital ICU room while turning around to take one last look at my dead husband -  instead of falling onto the floor in a crumpled heap and screaming "no" at the top of my lungs.  

I was moving forward as I told my then 8 and 11 year old sons that their father was with Jesus and would not be coming home with us (my then 15 and 29 year old daughters were in the room when Rob died so they did not need to be told - they witnessed their loss).

I was moving forward as I packed up my husband's ministry and moved us out of the parsonage and into our retirement home.

I was moving forward as we settled into living in our new home, joining a new church, and starting a new life in a new town.

Instead of crawling into bed and staying there, I have been moving forward for 17 months.

And we are doing well.

And as the memories surface (mostly unbidden), I will honor them - as we make new ones.

And as my children talk about their dad, I will try to help them remember him - as we live without him.

And as we dream about our future - my children will know their foundations were built with love.

Many people have kept up with their times and scrapbooked the events of their lives as they happened.  I did not.  So I now have tried to use this blog to do some of that since finally starting to post last February 2012.  I am trying to archive things that the children will enjoy seeing in the future and write down some memories that will be special to them as time goes on.

The quote I came across today was a Helen Keller quote and I've always loved it but I haven't thought about it in a good while.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

  

So, as I write blog posts about my Rob and the things we did with the children, please remember that I am not looking too long at the closed door.  The stark reality of the closed door has lived in my heart for 17 months now.  And I really feel that, by God's grace,  I have stepped through the threshold of the open door to my future.  But I will still try to always be the window THROUGH that closed door for my children (and for me) to peer through when they need to remember.


After all, that was my original intent for this blog - way back in August 2011 -


To archive (with photos and with words) our family's past; 

To chronicle our present; 

And to watch (through the blog) our future turn into our present and then into our past.


That intent.  

It is one thing that has not changed. 

  

Days Gone By - Luke's 1st Beach Photos

These photos are from a time when Rob and I lived only 1 hour 45 minutes away from the beach.  It was a warm day.  We packed up the kids, beach bags, chairs, and snacks and went to the beach for a few hours.  It was Luke's first trip to that beach and I think his first trip to any beach.  Since the kids and I had made this trip many times (Rob usually had to work and could not go), Anna and Wesley were old pros by this time at knowing what to do at the beach.  It was summer 2003.

Daylight

I 

LOVE 

the fact that it is 5:30 p.m. 

and the daylight that is outside 

and falling into my view through my windows is still this bright.

As the days get longer each year, it always encourages me 

because it means

SPRING 

is surely on its way! 

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's been a busy day for us.  

The kids liked their Valentine's Day surprises.

And they got a surprise of their own.  They got a "special delivery."  

Last night, Anna decided to make a valentine for our mailman, Norman.  Luke decided to as well.  Anna made sure they were in the mailbox this morning hoping they would be a nice surprise for Norman.

  

Around 10 a.m., the doorbell rang.  It was Norman and his wife.  He had finished his route and they brought my children a return surprise and a thank you with a hug.  Such a nice start to the day!  

I cooked some food for a funeral at the church today.  I remember how much that meal meant to my family and me after Rob's funeral and I've made it a point to cook for all of the funerals since we've been here.  I drove Rob's car to the church and stopped at his grave.  

I did not stay for the funeral.  I didn't really know them and I had promised my children a Valentine's Day outing including going out to eat lunch.  But I sure have been praying a lot today for that widower.  He lost his 57 year old wife suddenly.  It's such an awful thing to have to go through.  I have been praying for strength for him because that's what I remember needing most on the funeral day.  And for him, it's even worse.  He buried his wife today on Valentine's Day and what would have been their wedding anniversary.  I will be praying for him and her children (all grown) tomorrow and in the coming weeks.  As I said, it's an awful thing to have to go through.

After I got back from the church, the kids and I headed out of town.  We went out to eat.  It was Wesley's turn to pick the restaurant.

We went shopping.  The boys just love waiting for their sister to try on clothes - ha, ha, ha.

I didn't get a photo of it but the boys got their turn to shop.  They got to go to the video game store.

Anna then had to head off to her dance and theatre classes and they boys and I came home.

All in all (except for the sadness of the funeral), it was a great day!

Hope yours was.

Lent and Basketball

Today is the first day of Lent.

My children were talking about how their dad would always keep the cross on his forehead all night.  There was an Ash Wednesday Service at all of our churches.  Rob always saved the palm branches from the Palm Sunday services each year.  He would then burn them the next year and use the ashes at the Ash Wednesday Service to "draw" a cross on each worshipper's forehead.  I still have the last ashes he burned.  We bought this for him to place the ashes in for the service each year.

 I have a photo of him with the cross on his forehead but I cannot seem to find it right now.  

I'll add it later if I can find it.

Thinking about the first day of Lent and if I'm going to give up anything this year or not and because there happens to be a Duke/Carolina game on right now made me think about the one year Rob gave up something he really loved.  One year he decided to give up watching Duke basketball.  And he did it.  Even though he really missed it, he made it all the way to Easter without watching a single game - even through March madness and everything!  

I was proud of him.

Conversation With My Sons

On the way to the post office today to mail Valentine's letters, my Luke started this conversation.  We had not been talking about his dad at all.  He actually says this every so often and I wanted to get it written down.

Luke:  Wesley, you want to know what's sad?

Wesley:  What?

Luke:  I cannot remember Dad's laugh.

Wesley:  I can.  How could you forget that laugh?

Luke:  Well, I can't remember it.  You want to know what's worse?

Wesley:  What?

Luke:  I can't remember his voice either.

Janna:  Luke, we have plenty of video of your dad preaching and you can hear his voice.

Luke:  It's not the same.  I remember his preaching voice and his home voice was different.

Wesley:  Yeah, his voice with us was different but I remember it.  It was low.

Then Luke abruptly changed the subject to something else and life went on.  

But those moments are hard.

Words I Miss

This time of year last year was suffocating.

It doesn't hurt as much this year but it still stings...

..that these 2 words are not part of my world anymore. 

Super Bowl

My kids and I have had a great day today.

We went to church.

We came home.

My aunt, 3 cousins, and one of my cousin's friends met us for lunch at a restaurant.

They came home with us and stayed for the afternoon.

But even while all of this was going on my kids were making their Super Bowl plans.

One was going to watch the Puppy Bowl instead.  One was going to watch just the Super Bowl.  One was going to switch back and forth between the two.

Because my memory is so long and so active, I had already thought about (but had not mentioned to anyone) our previous years of Super Bowls but it hadn't made me cry - mostly just smiles and laughter this year.  But I didn't know that my kids had already thought about it until they started talking about it.  

You see, for most Super Bowls, we had a "Big Game" Party at the parsonage.  It was usually for the youth but at most places it was open to whoever wanted to come and they usually did.  

I remember the one at our first church.  I was very early pregnant with Anna and I stayed in the bedroom the entire time.  I knew they didn't want to watch me throw up and I knew I couldn't stand the smell of the pizza! : )  

Then there was the 2nd place where there were about 7 or 8 little girls the same age as Anna (ages 2 - 7 for those years at that church).  All of those girls would go in Anna's room and play the entire time and boy, could those women make and bring great snacks to go along with my snacks and the ordered pizza!  Both of my boys were born while we were living there and both of them were the church's babies.  They got passed around all of the time and at the parties at the parsonage, they were thrilled to have so many playmates.  They do not remember that place that much.  I wish they did.  Crystol was in college 30 minutes away from that parsonage and all 4 of my children were so well loved and cherished there. 

There were already "Big Game" traditions in place at the 3rd town where Rob was appointed but Anna still remembers us going to the parties they had at someone else's house.

And Wesley is old enough to remember the last church's parties at the parsonage.  I think we did it 2 or 3 of the 4 years Rob was alive there.  Luke, as with a lot of other things, does not remember as much.  I hate that for him.  But Wesley was talking today about playing with the guys at our last parsonage during the parties.  

We always opened up the entire parsonage and the little kids would always migrate to my kids' rooms and watch whatever they were watching (usually the puppy bowl) or do whatever they were doing (dragging out every toy available - but that was the fun of it!).    

One year, some of the ladies and I watched an Andy Griffith marathon in Rob's and my bedroom (except we would go into the living room to watch the super bowl commercials, of course : ) .

I have great memories from our years of "Big Game" parties at parsonages.  I also know I have many, many, many photos from these events.  I've seen many of them as I looked for photos for the blog post I did about Rob's birthday but if I take the time to find them and resize them for the blog, I'll never get this post done.  But for me, it was fun while searching those photos to see the images from those events - seeing photos of my young children playing with all of the church children while all of their daddies' eyes (Rob's included) were glued to the TV screen - photos of all of those little girls playing dress-up in Anna's room - photos of my sons being passed around - and seeing the photos of them when they got a little older trying to wrestle with some of the young guys - and then one year there was a dance party in Anna's room - and then there were the photos of all of the ladies hanging out with me in the kitchen... 

Fun times during those years...

...And today, right now at 8:55 p.m., as one of my children is watching the Puppy Bowl, one of them is watching the big game, and one of them is switching back and forth between the two, and as I've heard them talk today about their memories of being "the parsonage family..." 

...I am reassured that they, along with me, are looking back and recalling fun times while at the same time living their lives today  - in the present...

...and watching that makes for a great day.