Sunday Birthday Flowers - January 20, 2013

Luke wanted his dad's birthday publicly recognized in church.  He asked me at least 3 times if I was going to announce it.  He was comforted by the fact that because I had put flowers on the altar in memory of Rob's birthday, his daddy's birthday was announced.  Smyrna always announces who gave the flowers and why if there is a why. The man (Randy) doing the announcements also elaborated on his own that we are all thankful for Rob's ministry in the United Methodist Church and a few more sweet things were said.  I honestly cannot remember if Randy ever met Rob or not but I know Randy, as Lay Delegate for Smyrna, was at Annual Conference in June 2012 for the Conference Memorial Service (See my Ministry Life Cycle post if you want to know about that).  One of the most difficult things about moving to a church where no one knew my Rob is just that - no one knew him - they do not miss him - they do not remember him - so sometimes for the kids and for me it's almost like he never existed - that is SO hard.  So Randy's words about my Rob meant so much - to me and to the children.  Luke told me so after church.    

Rob always liked leaving the Christmas trees and all of our decorations up until his birthday.  He always said that he (as a minister) was SO busy during the month of December that he didn't really get to enjoy the decorations.  So we always did.  I always took the outside decorations down after Epiphany but the inside stuff stayed up until after Jan 18th.  So I left the Christmas flowers on his grave until then as well.  I changed them that Sunday evening after dropping the kids off at youth.  

That afternoon, as I was making plans for the next week, I asked Luke if he could do anything he wanted to do what would it be?  We were not talking about his dad.  We were talking about activities for free time.  But out of the blue, his answer to me made me catch my breath.  His reply ---

 "I would turn into a wizard so I could bring Daddy back or at least make a copy of him so he could have Heaven AND be here with us."

Although the grief walk is different this year than it was last year - or maybe just a "smoother" walk is the word (I will not say easier because it is NOT easier - just different with less unexpected bumps), there are times (like when Luke says or one of the kids say something like that) when it still just grips my heart like a vice grip.  

Evening - January 18, 2013

So instead of just sitting around on Rob's birthday or just cleaning the house or something mundane like that, I decided to take the kids out to eat in memory of the day.  I sent a casual text telling a few people where we were going and what time if they wanted to come too.  We ended up with 18 people there to celebrate our Rob.  They all loved him too.

Casey and Cara came home with us to spend the night.  They do that a lot and we all love it when they're here.

And the next morning, I made my ultimate "Grandma Beck" comfort food (milk gravy) to go with the leftover biscuits I brought home.  It was delicious!  

Morning - January 18, 2013

We woke up to snow on Friday, January 18, 2013. 

 Luke had such high hopes that they could build a snowman and use their new snowman kit.  

Much to his dismay, there wasn't enough snow for that but it was crunchy and icy so even though it was only a covering, it was great for sledding on Uncle Raymond and Aunt Jane's hills.  

But the best sledding was on Maw Maw and Paw Paw's wheelchair ramp that was frozen solid.  Because it is in the shade until late afternoon, it provided hours and hours of sledding.  The kids even had the cat (her name is Tuxedo - Tux for short) going down with them and she didn't mind because she was just happy to be in someone's warm arms.  

The hay bales in our back yard were pretty with the dusting of snow on them.  While we were outside, my Uncle Raymond came and got one of the hay bales to feed the cows and Wesley said the cows were getting their breakfast of frosted mini-wheats.  He's right.  They looked just like them.  

I had not mentioned that it was Rob's birthday yet when we came back inside.  But their dad wasn't far from my kids' minds that morning.  As Wesley said when we were coming back inside, "I miss Dad.  He was always so good at making snowballs with us.  He could always make them for us even when there wasn't really enough snow."  

See my Snow post for Snow Pictures of Rob.  

Fifty-Four

He would have been 54 today.

I was married to Rob for 18 of his 52 birthdays.  I have photos from every single one of them.  And as I've looked at them to decide what to put on the blog, it was great to re-live those moments.

On the pictures from the first birthday I spent with Rob, I noticed the Duke Divinity School video in the background.  This was when he was preparing to prove to Duke that he should be accepted and the video was about the process.  He was accepted and graduated with lots of gratitude.

18 days into our marriage, this was the first birthday I spent with my Rob.  Caleb (my first cousin who had his own room at my house) had made him a cake and colored a coffee cup for him.  Rob and I both had to work that day so I bought him a birthday cookie. 

Then there was 1999 when I gave him a 40th birthday party and inivited his churches and all of our family and friends.  We had almost 200 people there.

There was his 50th (which was on a Sunday).  The church he was serving gave him a covered dish party after church.

And then there was the last birthday we spent together before his death.  We went to the beach with Jamie, Sally, Jay, Sarah, and Kaylee to celebrate.  We had a great time!

And there was SO MUCH LIVING for us in between that first and last birthday.

Birthdays are about celebration of LIFE.  That is what I'm trying to do.  I am trying my best to celebrate the life our God gave to my Rob.  I am working hard to make sure the children know what his life meant to so many people.  I am trying to honor the marriage we had and the life we had together while at the same time, I do feel single again.  I am celebrating the father he was to his four children and his influence on them while at the same time knowing that I am a single mother.  

I do not know what my future holds.  But as I've looked through these photos, I know I've had a great past. And although I am not spending my time LIVING in the past, there are still so many days that I'm sad that it IS the PAST.  A part of me is gone and I don't think that will ever change.  But on most days, I can remember that I enjoyed many wonderful seasons of life with my Rob and I can smile.

For all of those seasons and for all of those memories, I will always be grateful and I will forever feel blessed.

And now today, on what would have been his 54th birthday, I can smile as I know he is spending his second birthday with Jesus.  There's just no thing better that I could wish for him.