Medical Scare, ONLY Parenting, Blessed Parenthood

There’s just nothing like a medical scare to remind me,

yet again,

of how very blessed I am.

Mammogram #1 showed something concerning.

More detailed mammogram #2 still showed something concerning.

Ultrasound cleared it up.

It’s nothing to worry about.

(So thank God I didn’t have to have that very painful needle biopsy this time).

It took a total of 8 days to get from the first mammogram

to the final ultrasound results

along with the radiologist’s report and recommendation.

Having been in this situation before, I was not totally terrified

when I got the phone call after Mammogram #1

like the first times this happened.

In fact, I was okay enough about it - thinking the end

result would be the same as last year - that

I actually planned to have dinner with someone.

A someone who has just joined my ranks

and is just at the very beginning of learning how to be

the ONLY parent left.

However, since there’s always the unknown, the knowledge that

something “new” was found in Mammogram #1 did cause some

concern and worry and it was a trying few days of waiting

and not exactly fun going through it all again.

For,

since I am an ONLY parent,

any medical scare for me is about

so very much more than me.

It’s all about whether or not my kids would have to watch

the ONLY parent they have go through an illness.

It’s all about whether or not my kids would lose

the ONLY parent they have left.

It’s all about whether or not my kids would have their security

yanked out from underneath them

once again.

So finding out that I was okay was so much more

than just a sigh of relief for me. 

It was a sigh of relief for my children and their futures.

My kids are resilient and they are doing well now.

They have survived the horrific.

They have dealt with their father’s death.

Each one is maintaining his “presence”

as much as each needs

in his or her present lives.

And they are integrating and carrying the memories

as they live into their futures.

So finding out that I’m okay makes me so very grateful

that they will not be forced to go through it all again!

And, for me, it makes me ever so thankful that

I have had and will continue to have

the privilege of being their mama!

It also spurs me on to redouble my efforts to

make (or facilitate at least) their lives

as good as they can be!

I have been so blessed to watch my babies and my Crystol grow.

My heart swells with love every single time I think about when they were born

(and when I met Crystol).

They were each a dream come true.

And I look forward to all that will come in the future!

I had a conversation this week with someone about stay-at-home moms.

And that conversation made me thankful for something that I don’t think I’ve ever specifically written about on this blog and that is the fact that my late husband fully encouraged and supported my decision to resign from my teaching position so I could have the privilege of staying home with our children.  When I had Anna, I was able to resign my teaching position and stay home with her. 

I still had to work.  When Anna was born, Rob was a student pastor at a 2 church appointment while he was in seminary at Duke.  We already had Crystol so there was no question that a 2^nd income would be needed for Duke and 2 children so I opened a state licensed in-home day care.  Along with Anna, I kept 6 other children.  Some of them alternated days so that I never had more than the 5 at a time that the state allowed (including Anna).  So I worked.  But I was able to be with Anna full-time.  I also, after Anna was asleep at night, did some at-home transcription work while living there.  Those were the days when I could live and function well on 4 hours of sleep a night. 

After Rob graduated from Duke and we moved from the student church appointment to a full time church appointment, Rob got enough of a raise that I did not have to work at a public job at all while we lived there (although I did do a little tutoring).  It was not financially easy but it was what we both wanted so we did what we had to do to make it happen.  And God blessed those years as He had the other ones.  I was able to go through 2 more pregnancies (horrible nausea the whole time) and I gave birth to both of our perfectly healthy sons while we lived there.  I was also homeschooling Anna from Kindergarten – 2^nd grade while there so I was teaching, being pregnant, nursing babies, diapering babies with cloth diapers, and being Rob’s full-time administrative assistant

(he was never good at paperwork and deadlines and such). 

So I still worked – I just didn’t get paid for it.

When we moved to the next church appointment, our youngest was 18 months old.  By that time, I had started taking on some caretaking of my parents.  Rob and I had talked about me going back to work part-time there.  However, we moved into a pretty bad school system and that, combined with what I was doing for my parents, was enough for us to decide for me to continue to homeschool and do what we had been doing.  Rob told me he was glad I would still be available to do the bulletin

(he really didn’t like typing the bulletin). 

By the time we moved to what would end up being our last church appointment, the caretaking of my parents had increased dramatically – especially for my dad.  But because of the medical bills that Rob had incurred by then, we both knew I would have to at least do some substitute teaching while there.  I had budgeted to the penny how much I would need to make each month to pay what we needed to pay and we asked God to provide a job that would fit our needs but still allow me to homeschool the children.  And, in God’s way that He has of taking care of things, I got offered the job of doing the bulletin and the newsletter AND getting paid for it!  At that time, this church already paid for someone to type the bulletin and since the volunteer who had been doing the newsletter had resigned, they were going to pay for that too.  I remember coming home from that church board meeting telling God that He has such a good sense of humor.  I had gone into that board meeting planning to tell them that I was going back to work part-time and, with homeschooling, I would no longer have time to do the bulletin and newsletter and they would need to find someone else.  I came home from that board meeting knowing that God had met our needs by having me get paid for something I was already doing and, in fact,

had done for most of our ministry! 

I held that job until the day Rob died.    

All I truly ever wanted in my life

was to be a wife and a mother.

I was blessed to be Rob’s wife for almost 18 years.

I was and am blessed to be a stepmother and a mother.

And I was even more blessed that this is what Rob wanted as well!

We may have gotten married a short 8½ months after our first date

but we talked about so much before we ever got married.

And he made it clear to me that, if I wanted to be one when the time came, he wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom.  We had no idea at that time if it would work out or not but we both knew that we, at the very least, wanted me to stay home with our children until the youngest one started school. 

I never once felt like I didn’t have his support in this shared goal!

It was because of Rob’s support that I was able to be there for our children’s firsts.

It was because of Rob’s support that I never had to feel that awful tug of leaving my babies on the first day back to work.

It was because of Rob’s support that I was able to homeschool.

It was because of Rob’s support that we were able to sneak in family time during the day between meetings and Bible studies.

It was because of Rob’s support that I was able to be available to help him whenever needed. 

It was because of Rob’s support that we were able to make such great family memories not encumbered by my work schedule.

It was because of Rob’s support that our children were blessed with such intensive family time on a very flexible schedule (which works well with a preacher’s schedule since it’s always subject to change and often does).

It was because of Rob’s support that my kids (except Luke b/c his memories of his dad are so vague) have so many memories of their dad coming in and out throughout the day and having lunch with them almost every single day.

It was because of Rob’s support that I never felt like we were pulling against each other on this issue.

And finally, it was because of Rob’s support that my children were blessed with so much time with both of their parents when we were still an entire family unit.

For Rob’s support then, I was thankful and I told him so often.

For all of the memories that live in our minds and shine in the photos, I am thankful.

For God’s providence in place before we even knew why, I am thankful.

For time with my children in their infancies, I am thankful.

For time and experiences with my children, including my Crystol,

as they’ve grown, I am thankful.

For the wisdom, grace, mercy, and strength God has given me to do my best to fill both parental roles as I’ve ONLY parented since my Rob died, I am thankful.

For final results from a medial scare delivered in today's mail that says I'm fine, I am thankful.

For the chance to continue being my kids' mama, I am thankful. 

For all of it, I am thankful.

For all of it, I am blessed and my heart is full.

Blessed

So very blessed to have the privilege of being their mama.

Happy Birthday And I'm So Sorry

In May 2013, 1 year and 8 months after Rob died, I prayed a couple of very specific prayers.  Later on that day, when looking for Mother’s Day cards for my mom and for Rob’s mom, I came across 2 greeting cards that matched exactly what I had prayed for.  Along with the Mother’s Day cards, I also bought both of the other greeting cards.  

Buying those cards was a tangible act of faith.  

The cards were to be used when the prayers were answered.

When Rob first died, so many folks gathered around my children and me.  They provided comfort, food, prayers, and hope that life would go on.  But after a little while, those folks had to get back to their own lives and my children and I had to start figuring out how to live in our “new normal.”  To say it was awful and lonely and agonizing is the biggest understatement I could ever write.  

I simply felt all alone.

And in so many ways, I was.

I was not physically alone since I was with my children all of the time but I was the only adult left in our world.  I had to lead the way on this “new” path we were walking and 

be the support FOR my children, 

not expect support FROM my children.

I reached out to some of the widows/widowers I knew.  Some were still in the throes of mourning and grief themselves.  Some had remarried and did not need or want to spend time in the agony of the beginning.  And some reached back giving me hope that my okay would come…eventually.

But none of them became the consistent support that I craved – support from someone who, unfortunately, knew how I felt because he or she had gone through it too.

Someone to whom I would not have to explain how I could cry and laugh at the same memory.  Someone to whom I would not have to explain how hard it was to have to move out of the parsonage and try to re-establish my family’s new identity but yet at the same time knowing that the move would provide a little bit of relief from the agonizing memory of Rob’s last night there.  Someone to whom I would not have to explain how or why it was so hard to put away his toothbrush or to even move the bar of soap that he used during his last shower, or move the last newspaper he read, or move the bookmark out of the last book he was reading, or to even bring myself to just touch his brush.  Someone to whom I would not have to explain why I slept for so long cuddled up to Rob’s shirt and with clips of his hair in an envelope under my pillow.

For me, at the beginning, this person who would know how I felt, 

this support that I craved, 

never came.

I’m not sure why God didn’t answer my prayer for a “widow/widower” friend at the beginning.  

I know now that we are everywhere.  

It seems I hear about a new widow/widower a few times a week now.  

But, at the time, I didn’t know that.

The only answer I’ve ever been able to come up with as to why 

God chose to not answer my prayer in the beginning is two-fold:

1) I had to totally rely on and trust in Him to heal my broken heart.  And He did.  He provided in ways I would have never imagined.  Whether it was through a certain devotional or a certain Bible verse delivered to my email inbox at just the perfect time or a phone call from an old friend or a card from a preacher friend of our’s or a note from a church member or a note from a family member or a family member dropping by to see us or through the smile of one of my children, God always provided hope when I so desperately needed it.  Even when it was so incredibly hard to face another day, He never left me hanging.  He, in time and always on time, would always provide the “peace which passeth all understanding…”   (Philippians 4:7)

2) The Bible tells us, in 2 Corinthians 1:4 that “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others with the comfort we ourselves received from God.”

When I was a young preacher’s wife with young children, I remember well a situation that happened when one of our church members became a widow.  She was in her late 70’s and lost her husband after being married for well over 50 years.  For the longest time, she called us every single day.  No matter what I was doing with my young children, I always answered.  Even though her grown children and grown grandchildren visited her on the weekends, she was so lonely without her beloved there with her daily.  She told me how glad she was that I was her preacher’s wife and how grateful she was that I took the time to answer the phone and to listen to her.  I remember her telling me that, without her husband there, she felt like no one really needed anything she had to offer anymore.  I tried so hard to comfort her in her loneliness.  

Looking back at it now, 

I realize how feeble my understanding was 

but I certainly did try.

After losing my Rob and going through most of the healing process leaning only on God, His Word, and His provision, I lived and breathed the first part of 2 Corinthians 1: 4.  I was comforted by God in my troubles.  When our church member became a widow, God used me then, in my feeble attempts, to comfort her but I lacked the understanding to know how she felt.

Exactly 3 years, 10 months, and 3 days ago, I found out.

And I can use what happened to me to help others.

Because God comforted me and because I know how horrible it was in the beginning when I felt so very alone, I always reach out now when I hear someone new has entered our ranks.  Some reach back.  Some don’t.  But I always, in some form, try.  I don’t want anyone else to feel alone.

In May 2013, I specifically prayed again for a friend who would know how I felt and someone who would need the same.  By that time I had lived with Rob’s death for 1 year and 8 months.  I was so weary of not having someone to talk with who would just “get it” without having to always explain.  And that afternoon, I bought the greeting card that I spoke of in the first paragraph.  

As I said, 

it was an act of faith that God would provide what I asked – 

someone who would need me as much as I needed her.

At the end of September 2014, I clicked onto a national widow’s blog that I read.  A woman named Susan had left a comment and I clicked over to her personal blog and started reading it each day but did not comment right away.  It was amazing to me how much what she said could have been what I would have said in the beginning.  The beginning is all just so horrible.  On October 2, 2014, she posted a list of petitions to God.  Her #4 request was asking God for “a new friend for me.  One that, unfortunately, will completely understand what I am going through.”  I still did not comment but I did start praying about it.  On October 10, 2014, she wrote a post that sounded exactly like something I would have said and I just had to comment.  She responded back and our friendship was formed almost instantaneously.  We have a lot in common.  We both lost our husbands suddenly.  We both still have children at home.  We are both stay-at-home moms.  We became fast friends.  We can almost finish each other’s sentences.  Susan lives 5 hours from me but we have spent hours and hours on the phone and we have supported each other through many issues.  We pray for each other’s prayer requests – from the trivial to the serious ones.  She calls me anytime and I call her anytime.  Sometimes more than once or even more than twice a day.  We met in person for the first time in January 2015.  I was taking the kids to the beach in memory of what would have been Rob’s 56^th birthday so I told her she should bring her kids (and grandkids) and come too.  So, except for 1 grandchild, they all came.  We had a great time!  And then a couple of weeks ago, 2 of her kids, 1 of her daughter’s friends, and she met us at Carowinds when our church went for the day.  It was good to see her in person again!

One thing Susan and I do not have in common is a pretty big one.  My Rob died on a normal day.  Her husband died on her birthday.  July 23, 2014.  That’s right.  Her husband died suddenly
ON HER BIRTHDAY. 
Exactly one year ago today, her beloved passed away from a sudden heart attack.

So, in May 2013^th, when I was buying the birthday card for who I hoped would be a new widow friend, I had no idea why I was almost compelled to buy a birthday card instead of 

a “happy you’re my friend” kind of card.

But God did.

I had no idea the significance that a birthday card would be in a friendship formed from grief.

But God did.

I had no idea that the new friend who would “get it” without explanation would need a special birthday card from someone else who knows how it feels.

But God did.

I had no idea how much we would lean on each other in this season of our lives.

But God did.

And for that, I am thankful.

If it were within my power to change things for Susan so that she would never have known how I’ve felt, I would.

But since I cannot, I am thankful that God has used me to help her.  And I am thankful that God has used her to help me.

I have no idea how long this season in our lives will last.  I’m sure the time will come when she doesn’t need me as much.  I’m sure the time will come when I don’t need her as much.  But I do know for sure that she is a lifelong friend – even when the seasons change.

So today, on her birthday and on the one year time marker of her husband’s death, I say to my dear friend (and I have already talked with her on the phone at least 3 times today):

Happy Birthday Susan!

and

I’m so sorry you lost your beloved.

I love you!

Janna

 (January 2015)

(July 2015)

On The Cusp

Today has been 3 years and 10 months.

Somehow that makes it seem like it’s just on the cusp of 4 years.

And it is.

So hard to imagine that it’s close to 4 years since my Rob died.

How in the world have almost 4 years passed since that day?

I missed him a lot today.

I was fine.

I really was and am.

My heart is still healed.

I am not mourning him.

But I will always grieve the fact that my Rob died.

And I still miss him.

In between doing everything that had to be done today,

I missed him.

I will never forget.

My God Through All Of It

I needed this tonight.

A Decade

What a difference a decade makes!

VBS 2005

and

VBS 2015

Lunch, Visit, VBS

Busy, fun day yesterday.

Great time having lunch with friends from high school

(Angie and Staci)

We each had some of our children with us.

(Anna was home with my dad).

The boys and I then visited with my mom.

And to top the day off,

I got to see my kids participate and help lead in

the closing program for our church's 

Vacation Bible School!

I am so proud of my kids!

(VBS 2015)

And, just for the fun of it, I looked up last year's photo to compare.

Look how much my sons have grown in one year's time!

Wesley is 6' 5" now and Luke is starting to hit his growth spurt.

Wonder if he will be taller than me by VBS next year! 

(VBS 2014)