Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Saturday, September 20, 2014
3 Years
REVEREND ROBERT EDWARD SHELTON
January 18, 1959
(born at 1:01 a.m. according to his birth certificate)
- September 20, 2011
(passed away at 4:13 a.m.)
Friday, September 19, 2014
Agony Revisited (September 19, 2011)
This is my view today, September 19, 2014.
What a great view I have today!
But remembering the view I had on this date 3 years ago
still makes me catch my breath
every
time
I
say or write
it.
When I think of September 19th, 2011,
I will always think of the word AGONY.
For that day truly was, as I titled it on last year's post,
"the WORST day of my life."
The day my Rob's life hung between life and death.
Rob lived for almost 24 hours after we found him unconscious.
(My then 8 year old Luke found his dad unconscious at 4:45 a.m.
on Monday morning, September 19, 2011.
Rob died at 4:13 a.m. on Tuesday morning, September 20, 2011).
And even though God's strength, mercy, and grace abounded
all throughout the rooms where we were,
those 23 and 1/2 hours were the worst and hardest hours I have ever lived.
I only left Rob's side when the nurses made me leave
(and that was only 2 or 3 times).
My Aunt Sarah brought me a chicken sandwich to eat
during one of the times they made me leave.
It was so dry and tasteless.
To this day, when I have a chicken sandwich,
I have to drench it with as much mayonnaise and ketchup as I can
just to drown out my memory's taste of that day.
My kids and I are doing good.
Taking care of ourselves
and each other.
Anna started the day out today by baking
peanut butter cookies for her Psychology class.
Wesley and Luke, as usual, put off starting school
as long as I would let them.
My kids are happy and doing well.
But even the youngest,
who honestly (without prompts) only remembers
bits and pieces about his dad,
remembers the agony from that day.
And, even though we don't revisit it often,
and we never visit long,
it's always there
waiting patiently
for our presence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What I wrote last year and the year before:
Thursday, September 19, 2013
The Worst Day of My Life
Today’s KLOVE verse of the day: (Very appropriate for me today)
There is a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
~ Ecclesiastes 3:4
September 19, 2011 (2 years ago today) was the worst day of my life. It was the day of struggle between life and death for my Rob. By the time Rob died at 4:13 a.m. on the 20th, I knew and had peace that death was the most merciful thing for him. It was the 19th - while watching the struggle between life and death - that was the most horrible.
Time was both SO relevant and so NOT relevant that day.
Nothing mattered except being with him every second.
But everything mattered as the seconds ticked on and on while I watched his body go through the very efficient process of shutting down.
I remember the doctors telling me early on that if he didn’t wake up by a certain time – that he probably would not. I remember looking at the clock, wanting to grab it off of the wall, and slam it to the floor when the hands ticked past that hour and he was not awake.
I was still by myself with Rob then. I had purposely not called in anyone yet (except my sister who was at my house with my children). We were still in the ER waiting for him to be stable enough to even be moved to ICU. It was just Rob and me – with no one watching except my God. I had wanted that time for just us – because in my gut, I knew he was dying when we first found him unconscious. Although he was unconscious, I took those couple of hours to tell him everything I needed to tell him even as I continued to beg him to come back to us. And I told him he did NOT have my permission to die. I am so glad I took that time with just my Rob and my God. I needed it for the day to come as I called others in and shared him with all of those who loved him. And I’ve needed those hours with him in my memory as time has continued to move on.
I am thankful that God was the One to orchestrate the events of that day. He made possible so many things that benefitted Rob, my children, and me. I am thankful that Rob (according to all of the tests) never felt any pain even though our pain was only growing. I am thankful for everyone who helped me in any way that day. I’m sure I will leave someone out if I try to list them all so I will not try that right now. But I do want to say thank you to my sister, Joan, who came as fast as possible to be with my children. Thank you to Jimmy Wooten, Rob’s minister friend who stayed until the very end. There are so many more to thank – we had such a parade of friends of family who helped sustain us that day. To all of you, I thank you. And I will, for as long as my mind works, be thankful for and will never forget my Sally Ann. My sister-in-law, Sally Caviness, is an ICU nurse. That day, she was my lifeline to sanity. She stayed by my side from the moment she arrived around 10 a.m. to the moment Rob died the next morning, explaining – through her tears and mine - everything that was happening along the way. There is nothing that prepares a person to watch a husband die. But Sally was God’s buffer for me to absorb it. She tells me she has never been the same since. I’ve heard that from a lot of people about that day.
It was a horrible reality - that day. But it was also a day of being surrounded by the love of all those coming to see him and us (which was at least 60 or more over the 24 hour period). It was also a day of God’s love spread throughout that waiting room and into his ICU room.
God’s presence was palpable. And nourishing to my soul.
I was reminded of how Rob would start most of his church services:
“God is good – all the time.
All the time – God is good.”
Even on the most horrible day of my life.
I’m in a much better place now. In a place of healing. And it feels good to feel good again.
But that September day will always be with me. There are still some days when all I know to pray is for Strength, Mercy, and Grace. But, over the last 2 years, the following has never failed to be true:
"God is good – all the time.
All the time – God is good!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What I wrote on September 19, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Struggle Between Life and Death
September 19, 2011
The day my Rob's life on earth hung between the balance of life and death.
It's such a very thin line...
...something I never really understood until that day.
The day of struggle.
The struggle Rob's body was making to recover from whatever made him unconscious.
The struggle my mind was making to start accepting what I just knew was coming.
The struggle to tell his children that their daddy was not coming home from the hospital this time.
The struggle to call his parents and tell them that another son was dying.
(Rob's brother, Eric - at almost 21 yrs. old - died in 1985).
The struggle to execute decisions that had already been made but I had to authorize.
They will remain only shared with those in them, but I took 7 pictures that day.
I knew I would need to see them later. And I have.
Around 12 hours after we first arrived at the hospital, I took one picture of Rob by himself. He was hooked up to a ventilator by the time I took the picture so wires and tubes are everywhere.
I took one of Anna and Rob. Anna's head is snuggled up to her daddy's side and over his hand.
She was crying.
I took three of the boys as they kissed, hugged, and told their daddy good-bye and how much they loved him.
I took one of Crystol as she, through her tears, kissed her daddy.
And the last picture I have of my Rob alive is around 8:30 p.m. on September 19, 2011. It is a photo of my Rob with both of his daughters - Anna on one side, Crystol on the other.
Each daughter is holding one of his hands.
Those photos have helped me to comprehend and confirm over and over and over that we did all we could do. Those photos have helped me over and over and over know that my Rob was tired. Those photos have helped me over and over and over know that Rob fought as hard as he could to overcome all of the issues and that the doctors, nurses, and his family and friends did all they could to help him fight. Those photos have helped me over and over and over know that he had fought all he could fight and for Rob,
his race was truly finished.
Those photos have helped me over and over and over KNOW
that for Rob,
death was the most merciful thing that could have happened.
For those of us being left behind, it did not feel merciful,
but for Rob by that point,
it was.
Over and over and over that day, I prayed for
STRENGTH, MERCY, and GRACE.
At times, all I could do was quietly whisper the words,
"strength, mercy, and grace."
And here we are, a year later.
Proof that the prayer was answered.
We made it through and we are still making it.
But there are still times when the struggle knocks me to my knees...
and all I can do is quietly whisper the words,
"strength, mercy, and grace."
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Chad - September 18th
So before 2011 when I would think of September 18th,
all I would think of is Chad.
I babysat Chad (and his sisters) all through high school
and into my college years when I was home.
September 18th is his birthday.
And even though I haven't been a part of
Chad's daily life for a long time now,
I ALWAYS think of him and
try to call, text, or now send a FB message to his wife
to say Happy Birthday.
Some things never change.
So here it is
almost midnight
on September 18th
and it's almost,
but not quite,
too late to say
"Happy Birthday, Chadwick Miles!"
I love you!
Always have!
Always will!
Simply Remembering
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Anticipation - September 16, 1996
To My Anna,
In 1996, today's date, September 16th, was my due date for you.
That date will be forever etched in my mind
for it was the date
that everything I had ever wanted was due.
I had my wonderful husband.
He was living his dream of being a minister
all at the same time as being in seminary.
I was teaching school
(although I already knew I wanted to quit and stay home with you).
The anticipation of the day you would join your daddy and me in our world was almost palpable.
Before then, I had never looked forward to anything more than I did you.
And you did not disappoint.
You have been surprising and thrilling us
- and now just me -
from the very beginning.
You were born early
- on September 3rd.
After you were born,
the pediatrician told me you were really only 37 weeks gestation age
(which I had been trying to tell the doctors all along
because I knew exactly when I got pregnant).
So, even though the calendar said you were 2 weeks early,
your development and presentation at birth
proved that you were really 3 weeks early,
which, along with the placental abruption, explained a lot
about the breathing difficulties you had at birth.
But you overcame those breathing difficulties
and, after a few hours, were finally brought to me
(your dad had not left your side the entire time).
From that moment until now,
YOU have taken my breath away.
I just could not stop looking at you.
Your ten little fingers.
Your ten little toes.
Your perfect little face.
Your perfect little you.
And I never have grown tired of just being mesmerized by you
(even when I'm yelling at you to clean up your room).
From the very beginning knowledge of your existence
(positive pregnancy test on January 9th or 10th, 1996),
you have captured my heart.
The power of anticipation was so strong as I was looking forward to you being born.
But the interesting thing is that the power of that anticipation hasn't diminished.
It has only changed to anticipate each new stage of your life.
And, my firstborn,
I can hardly wait to see where God takes you
in your world!
Love,
Mama
Friday, September 12, 2014
Help - Hotmail/Outlook
Does anyone know anything about recovering hotmail emails after it automatically switched to outlook?
I just logged into the hotmail account Rob and I had from the very first time we had email and it had automatically switched to outlook.
I haven't used it in a while but I was looking for a photo I had on there of my then newborn nephew, Jay.
That's when I discovered that EVERYTHING was gone.
All of those emails all the way back to 1997 -
the photos sent from when Wesley and Luke were born -
emails back and forth from Rob and me -
work emails I wanted to keep for his children about his ordination process -
SO VERY MANY PRECIOUS emails -
just lost.
I've tried the support site with no answer.
I've also tried everything I could find online to try.
It's like losing another part of Rob all over again...
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
The 18th "Anna"versary Of Anna's Birth
At 8:34 p.m. tonight,
my firstborn baby,
my Anna,
turned 18 years old.
In so many ways, it seems like yesterday when my Rob and I
brought her home wrapped in the blanket that
her Nannie Shelton
made for her.
And now she's 18
and in her first year of college.
She had class today.
So, in between her morning and afternoon classes,
her brothers and I met her for lunch.
Her brothers brought her gifts for her to open.
She loved them!
After she got home from class,
the birthday girl wanted pizza.
We went to a place where we have
spent many celebrations!
Her big sister called her while we were there and Anna was thrilled!
We ended the evening with swimming while the sun was setting
and only getting out when some lightening started.
Fresh out of the pool, this is my Anna girl at 8:34 p.m.,
exactly at the moment she turned 18!
It was a great day celebrating my girl!
Although I wrote her birthday post last year
(you can read it by clicking here),
the card I bought her this year fits more than anything I could write today,
so here is what I want to say to my Anna today
(with all the writing credit to connections by Hallmark)...
I gave it to her right after midnight last night -
in the first minutes of her 18th birthday...
18 years ago, I was so very blessed to become Anna's mother.
Today, I am still so very blessed!
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