And Then I Remember...

There are some days 

when I wonder

why

I 

even 

keep 

trying.

And then I remember...

...His name is God..

...and their names are 

Anna,

Wesley,

Luke,

and Crystol

(even though she's grown and married).

And that is 

ALL 

I need 

to remember.

Father's Day 2015

Today marks the 4th Father's Day without my Rob

- the 4th time my children have faced the day

fatherless.

Luke wanted to wear one of his daddy's ties today.

He even tried to tie it on his own.

Looks like I've still got some more teaching to do.

Luke wanted to make a card for his "Pops" this year

but forgot to do it until it was time to leave 

for church.

So he made it on the way there.

And then he made his daddy another one in his Sunday School class.

The first Father's Day without my Rob was horrible.

But it's better now than it was.

I dare to say it's even okay.

We still miss him.

His absence is still felt heavily.

But his kids are well adjusted

(if one can be such a thing after losing a parent)

and they are happy.

I know he would be proud of them.

And I think he would be proud of me too.

Today in church, I stated what I've found to be true 

in the last 3 years and 9 months.

God will step in and be a father to the fatherless.

(Psalm 68:5 - God will be "a father to the fatherless...")

God is ever faithful...

...even in this.

My Daddy

Happy Father's Day to my daddy...

...still the best person I've ever known.

June 21st - 22 Years Ago

Today marks 22 years since my late husband asked me to marry him.

Today marks 22 years since I said yes.

Today marks 22 years since I knew 

that I knew

that I knew

that WONDERFUL change

was on its way.

Today marks 22 years since we set the wedding date

(yes, we figured it out that fast).

Today will bring the memories

and I will smile

and I will be thankful.

And I will remember what it felt like

to know that, 

on that day,

my Rob made it officially clear

that he wanted me

for the rest of his life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those of you who are new to my blog and are new in this process, 

I will post what I wrote for the last 3 years on this date.

Written on Thursday, June 21, 2012

June 21

19 years ago today

my Rob asked me to marry him

I kissed him for a really long time before I said anything

He finally stopped kissing me back and asked, "Is that a yes?"

Written on Friday, June 21, 2013

20 Years - June 21, 2013

20 years ago, he asked me to marry him.

20 years ago, I said yes.

It is so hard to believe that was 2 decades ago.

It is sometimes still so hard to believe that he's not here to celebrate all of our "20th's."

It also occurred to me that this week, since I became Crystol's full time caregiver for the summer of 1993 while both of her parents worked, marks 20 years since I first became a "parent."  That was the first time I made a choice between working and staying with my children.  I gave up a paid internship that summer to be her caretaker.  I knew it was the right thing to do.  I was right.  Developing and fostering my relationship with my just turned 11-year old future stepdaughter was so much more valuable than any money or any other experience I would have garnered from that internship. 

So as of this week, I have parented children, from newborns to age 31 - with all of the joys and trials that all of those ages bring, for 20 years - 2 decades.

No wonder I'm tired.

And thank God I have been and am so blessed! 

Written on Saturday, June 21, 2014

21 Years Ago Today

21 years ago today

he asked me to marry him.

21 years ago today

I knew God had sent me my man.

21 years ago today

I knew God had sent me my family.

21 years.

Hard to believe.

And even harder to believe it's the 3rd year I've passed the day without him.

I wrote a blog entry last night for today but then decided not to post it.

But today, my Crystol texted me and said, 

"Very thankful for the day my dad asked you to marry him. : )"

She also said, 

"I almost didn't say anything because I didn't want you to think 

about it if you weren't already but I took a chance."

I was so glad she remembered.  

Without him to remember with, sometimes it almost feels as if it never really happened.

And after thanking her for mentioning and remembering the day that happened 

not long after she had turned 11, 

I also told her that I will never NOT think about it.

I'm a date person

I remember dates.

And that day is going to always be in my mind.

Even if it's not spoken of out loud.

So for her to remember too was special. 

When I think of that day, I smile.

When I think of that day, I miss him, but I mostly remember the great day I had with Crystol and him.

When I think of that day, I remember the "feelings" of the day,

even before he asked me to marry him.

When I think of that day, I remember how purely happy we all were just being together

and I smile.

I asked Crystol what she remembered about that evening and the morning after when we told her he had proposed and I had said yes.

She said she remembers the same things I do:

"sitting on the beach together,

sitting in the hammock (which, by the way, is where he proposed after Crystol had gone to bed),

and just the feeling. I was happy."

We all were.

And, just as Crystol said, 

I am thankful for the day, 21 years ago,  that her dad asked me to marry him.

Looking Back

Mama and Daddy and me.

Sometime around 1986-1987.

I miss the them they were.

I miss the me I was.

But I am thankful 

that it is as good as it is!

Myrtle Beach State Park August 2010

My sons and I have worked outside a lot over the last couple of days

(Anna is at camp).

Our outdoor thermometer got up to 99 degrees.

So it was hot working outside yesterday!

And today has been too!

But the stuff had to be done so we kept on keeping on.

I told my kids that having to be outside in this heat

reminded me of our last tent camping trip

and how miserably hot it was

but we still managed to have a lot of fun!

Wesley agreed and he remembers the trip well.

Without looking at the photos, Luke only remembers walking to 

the campground store to get slushies.

So last night, we looked at the photos.

I did not have a blog yet then.

But I did send out an email to some folks (and family and friends) 

who had wanted to know about about our trip.

And since it's such a good memory for my kids, I have decided to put the photos on my blog so that they will always have easy access to the memories which accompany the photos.

Luke and Rob had both had bronchitis the week before we went camping 

but both improved enough to go so, even though it was shortened to a 4 day trip, 

Rob and I decided it would still be worth it

- so we went.

So glad we did.  It has been one of my family's best memories.

At the time, 

Anna was almost 14 years old.

Wesley was 10 years old.

Luke was 7½ years old.

(And, even though he did not live to use it, 

Rob and I did buy another pop-up camper 

with an air conditioner not long after that trip)!

This is the email I wrote on August 30, 2010 

- 1 year and 20 days before Rob's death.

ROB HAS PNEUMONIA / CAMPING TRIP

Hi All,

What a subject line but that's our life as it is right now.  Was supposed to take my dad for a diabetic check-up today.  Instead took my husband to the doctor.  His fever has been back up over the last 3 days and he woke up with a 103.5 temperature this morning.  He has pneumonia and a small bit of pleurisy starting.  They sent him for x-rays, gave him a shot in the doctor's office, and sent him home with an antibiotic and an increased dosage of his oral steroid.  We have to be back at the doctor's office first thing in the morning.  If his fever has not broken by then, they said he would then be admitted to the hospital.  So please say a prayer for him.

Some of you have asked if we did get to go camping or not and how it went if we did.  Luke did get better enough for us to go camping on Monday.  We had a great time!  We camped for 4 days.  Everyone was basically healthy while there but I remember now why we haven't tent camped in over 14 years.  It is VERY hard on asthmatics.  Luke took his breathing treatments while watching DVD's on the laptop.  But even with that, the trip was a lot of fun.  Wesley and Luke went fishing on the pier and had so much fun bringing in a catch.  Wesley even caught 2 fish at a time once.  Anna read in the tent a lot.  Myrtle Beach State Park is a beautiful park and we enjoyed its beauty along with its campground.  We have 1 complete family picture - Rob's holding the phone while talking to Crystol so she's "sort of" in the family picture.  We played hard during the day and then watched movies on the laptop after quiet hours started.  Wesley got stung by a jellyfish.  The car wouldn't start one day.  We had great camping neighbors!  It was hot - even with fans.  We went out to eat once & Rob got to enjoy eating a lot of crab legs.  All together, it was a great trip to the beach and a lot of good old-fashioned playing together.  I believe Wesley summed it up the best with what he told me on the last day.  He said, 

"You know Mom, one day I will have a great-great-great-great-great grandchild and maybe that grandchild will be 10 years old in the year 3010 like I am in the year 2010 and I hope that 3010 is as good a year for that grandchild as 2010 has been for me!"   

Made my heart melt!

Love, Janna

(Rob answered this call because it was his brother, Bryan).

(Trying to get a photo of my Rob and me but it was hard because 

he would not quit goofing around.

I still miss that goofball self he could be.

I'm thankful I have these shots of him making me laugh). 

(Okay - so already got an email about this photo since I originally posted a few minutes ago.  I did not blur this photo.  Rob is not holding up his middle finger. 
We just happened to catch his hand in motion).

(Both of the boys' boards broke on the last day but we had duct/duck tape! 

We weren't about to buy new boards for 3 more hours of play!

Worked great!)  

(Wesley's jellyfish sting)

(Trying to get a selfie family photo.

Rob was on the phone with Crystol so it was a 

complete family photo).

(This was the best one of all, even with Wesley's funny face)!

(I wish I could remember why Luke was mad. 

I just cannot but he was mad and was not about to smile)! 

(Starting to get some smiles from Luke by this time).

(Luke wanted this series of photos to show each step 

in drawing his new sword)

GREAT MEMORIES!