Merry Christmas! (a little late)

Merry Christmas 2019!

Noel Dec 22, 2019

His range never ceases to amaze me!

"Come and see what God has done!"

I Heard The Bells Dec 22, 2019

Sometimes words fail me.

Luke is 17

For my Luke 

on his 17^th birthday 

today! 

How fast those 17 years have gone by! 

I am so blessed to be your mama 

– to hear your long stories 

– to hear your prayers 

– to hear you laugh

 – to hear you play the piano as I drift off to sleep

– to hear you sing 

– to hear your dreams 

– to be there for your incredible highs 

– to be there for your heart breaking lows. 

I have loved 

being with you 

for every step

of your growing 

and 

have been blessed 

by watching 

as the layers 

of your personhood 

have unfolded 

to make you 

the great human

that you are.  

Happy Birthday, my boy!  

I love you!

Mama

30 Years

Grandma Beck - 95

My Grandma Beck would be 95 today.

She passed away in 1995.

She was a driving force in my world.

In ways that have lived on far past her death,

right 

up 

to 

this 

moment 

in 

time.

When I think of her,

I can still feel 

the unconditional 

love

she offered so freely

to all of those she loved.

She wanted all of those she loved
to "live right"
but when we didn't,
she
loved
us
anyway.
That love never wavered.

And it seems I can still taste

her cooking! 

I don't know if or how earthly birthdays 

are celebrated in Heaven

but I sure hope she's 

having a great one!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I've written about my Grandma Beck before

in 2013 and 2012...

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Ima Hussey Beck aka Grandma Beck

Today is October 12, 2013.  October 12th was my Grandma Beck's birthday.

Her full name was Ima Hussey Beck.  Her given name was Ima Hussey - no middle name 

- just Ima.

I'm sure she was picked on for that name.  I know people don't usually believe me when I tell them that was her name.  I asked my Grandma Hussey one time why she named Grandma "Ima" while knowing her last name was Hussey.  Grandma Hussey said she just loved the name.

My Grandma Beck would be turning 89 years old today if she were still living.

She died in February 1995 - from cancer - at the age of 70.

So much of my life has been lived without her.  The only child of ours she ever got to meet was Crystol but her strength has been present as I've been raising them all - especially since Rob died and I've been doing it alone. 

You see, my Grandma Beck raised children alone for so much of the time. 

Grandpa Beck left not long after my mother married and my youngest aunt was a baby and he did not come back home until I was almost grown. 

As I was growing up, I watched my Grandma Beck live out her single parent life 

with grit 

and determination 

and grace.

And, even as a child, I knew that wasn't easy to do.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized just how very hard and heartbreaking that must have been for her.

But no matter what life threw at my Grandma Beck, I watched as she just kept going and as she always just "did the next thing."

And most importantly, I watched as she NEVER wavered in her faith in God and she NEVER stopped waiting on Him to take care of her!

And He did.  He always did.

I imagine she has thoroughly enjoyed her time with Him since she left this earth 18 years ago.

What joy and peace she must have felt when she was finally in His presence.

I can only imagine.

I still miss my Grandma Beck.  There's so much of all of our lives that I wish she could have been here for but I am so happy that I had almost 27 years with her and I am so happy that she was my grandma!

I am grateful for all of her and her witness and example to me and what she was to all of our family!

And as I'm now living out what life has thrown at me, there are many days that I need to and can remember her example of keeping on going - no matter what - and just "doing the next thing." 

And as I'm raising my children alone, I'm hoping to do it with 

as much grit 

and determination 

and grace as I saw in her.

(photo of both of my grandmas - Caviness and Beck - at my wedding, Jan. 1, 1994)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I posted about my grandma on April 7, 2012

Saturday, April 7, 2012

My maternal grandmother

Rob is not the only one in Heaven that I miss. 

My grandma has been in Heaven since February 1995.   

My grandma's unwavering faith in God, her hard work throughout her life, and her perseverance - NO MATTER WHAT - were all such great examples to me!  And her homemade biscuits, milkgravy, and her chicken and dumplings were wonderful! 

It's been 17 years - I still miss her so much.   

(Easter 1993)

Finding JOY In The Sorrow

8 years ago today 

was the memorial service 

at the church where my Rob was the pastor

at the time of his death.

For those who are new to my blog 

and new to our story

and to remind me to ALWAYS seek JOY,

I am reposting what I wrote (in 2016) about that day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following was written on 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2016.

(The photo above was taken on Sunday, September 25, 2011). 

I knew today, September 25, 2016, would be hard…

…and I was right.

Last night, as I was getting clothes ready for church today,

the memories started flooding in…

…of 5 years ago

on the Saturday night after Rob’s death…

…the sounds of my kids and my nieces and nephews in the living room…

…and telling God that He was going to have to help me get through the next day.

So, last night, I asked God to help me get through today and

I determined that

I

would

purposely

try

to

find

JOY

all day long.

Not to drown out the memories

but to at least try to temper them.

For those who do not know,

my late husband was a minister.

5 years ago today was the memorial service

for my Rob held at the church where he was serving

and where we were living at the time of his death.

It was held during the 11 a.m worship service.

So many church members could not

make it to the out of town funeral

two days before.

The church needed to grieve.

And the kids and I needed to grieve with them.

We had much in common.

We were church family.

They had lost their pastor.

So had the kids and I.

Their future was uncertain.

So was ours.

I knew, though, that this memorial service was about more

than just grieving Rev. Robert Edward Shelton.

I had been involved in ministry long enough to know

that it was also the first step in corporate (group) healing.

We not only needed to all grieve together.

We also needed to all take the next step forward together.

Resuming worship.

And that’s exactly what we did.

I lovingly placed my Rob’s clergy robe and some of his stoles on one side of the altar.

A large photo of him was placed on the other side...

...in front of the pulpit.

There were beautiful flowers.

There was beautiful music.

I thought of 1 Corinthians Chapter 13

- the “love” chapter -

as I entered the church that morning...

...and how love truly does endure all things -

even going through the death of my beloved.

It was so difficult as I first glanced at the pulpit that morning.

The one Rob had stood in front of for 4 years and 3 months.

And remembering once again

that he really was dead.

Maybe only other widows/widowers will understand this.

It’s not like we ever forget our spouses are dead.

But there are certain times

(especially at only 5 days into it)

that it just hits us anew

that they’re really dead.

The district superintendent spoke at the service

and gave anyone there that day the chance to speak as well.

So many did and it was so comforting.

I don’t remember how much I did or did not cry during the service itself.

I remember the D.S. spoke on “last words.”

And we do know Rob’s last words.

Before he fell asleep with the boys while settling them down to bed,

Rob and his sons said The Lord’s Prayer together as they did every night

and the last words anyone heard Rob say were

“Good night, Wesley. I love you.”

“Good night, Luke. I love you.”

I remember watching my children intently as the D.S. spoke.

I remember watching the pulpit intently.

I remember looking at all the beautiful stained glass windows,

especially the front one,

and at the woodwork and intricate light fixtures in that church.

I had often thought about how much those light fixtures

look like the ones at the church where Rob and I were married.

And I remember turning to look at each other person who spoke.

At this point, I still felt like the preacher’s wife for this church.

I knew in my head that I was not.

But, only 5 days into it,

my heart had not caught up to that fact yet.

I remember that, as I sat there, I prayed for

“my church folks.”

So many of them were crying.

They were missing my Rob.

They were missing THEIR Rob.

My heart hurt for them.

I remember praying for whoever would fill their pulpit…

…not only the immediate interim pastor

but also who would be appointed the next June.

And I prayed for healing for us all.

After the service, the kids and I decided to take one more

“family” picture with the photo of Rob.

I remember one of the kids asking,

“Do we smile for this?”

The answer was,

“Well, he is smiling in the photo so I guess we do too.”

So we all did, except my Luke.

My then 8 year old Luke was the only one who looks like we all felt.

But I’m so happy we took it

because seeing this photo comforts me now.

I don’t look at it often but when I do,

I love the “humanness” shown in it.

I see my Luke’s necktie thrown halfway back on to his already unbuttoned shirt.

I see a little bit of my Rob’s stoles on the left side of the photo.

I see the pulpit on the right side of it.

I see the altar where Rob last served us communion.

I see the baptismal font to the left,

and the extinguished candle

and cross behind us.

All of which were/are symbolic to me and

were/are such a part of our family’s life and ministry.

I see the way we, as a family, clung together in those first days.

I see the missingness in our eyes right along with

the resolve to keep his memory alive

and a part of us as a family unit.

I see that we were forever changed.

But that we were going to be okay.

Mostly though,

I see love.

How much we had.

How hard it was to lose it.

How much we still had.

And those are the thoughts and memories from my past

that I tried to remember today

as I walked through my present.

The JOY from being loved by my Rob

that I will forever carry in my heart.

The JOY from being a part of his family

that I am still experiencing every day.

(All 4 of his children sure are some great kids)!

The JOY from being part of his job

and knowing that I will forever be blessed that I was

a certain preacher’s wife for 5 different congregations

(all of whom have remained in my heart)!

As I got ready for church this morning, I found JOY in the sounds of my kids and my nieces, nephew, and cousins getting ready for church, too.

(They were in town for a family birthday party).

At church, I found JOY as I walked in and looked around

at the beautiful stained glass windows, woodwork, and the intricate light fixtures at the church I now attend.  This church’s light fixtures also look like the ones at the church where Rob and I were married.

I found JOY as I saw the front of the bulletin and was instantly reminded of the many times Rob and I sang the song,

“Lord, You Have Come To The Lakeshore.”

I found JOY as I watched Anna, Wesley, and Luke being a part of the service yesterday

– Wesley and Luke as ushers – Anna in the choir.

Their dad would be proud.

I found JOY as I listened to Mr. Jimmie lead and sing, with vigor,

the JOY down in my heart song.

I found JOY as I listened to my Wesley (and his friend, Corey) sing

“In The Eye Of The Storm.”  They did a great job!

I found JOY knowing that God has been my Anchor and has been present with me every single time I’ve been in the eye of the storm.

I found JOY as I was watching a 4 year old young boy listen to them sing...

...and knowing that my son is being a role model for those younger than him.

I found JOY as I watched the little children at Children’s Time.  They are always so cute!

And I almost laughed out loud as I found JOY when the preacher started preaching and was preaching on JOY – in all circumstances!

I had been so intently focusing on finding JOY in the moment and not focusing on the memories that were marching through my mind during this worship service that I had not even realized that his sermon title was “JOY, Living Content Lives!”

(I was listening so intently by this point that I didn't even think to get a photo of the preacher)!

I’ll be honest and say that I did cry during church today.

Finding and choosing JOY while memories of sorrow are flooding in

is difficult at best 

The memories overwhelmed me for a few minutes during the offertory

but I tried to even find the JOY in that.

The tears reminded me that my heart has not hardened.

And those feelings of sorrow were, once again,

tempered with feelings of gratitude

that my love story with my Rob

happened at all.

As I’ve said many times,

I was blessed.

And that thought brings me JOY.

I will end with a short conversation I had last week with my Wesley

that definitely made me smile and gave me JOY.

I simply loved his perspective!

Not long after Rob died, I bought a front license plate for my vehicle

that simply says JOY.

I needed and wanted to always know and be reminded that

JOY was in front of me

no matter what my current situation was

and that I could carry JOY with me wherever I went.

As the boys and I were walking to the car last week,

I noticed a fallen leaf stuck to my front JOY plate.

I jokingly said,

“Look at that leaf trying to get in the way of my JOY.” 

Wesley quickly replied,

“Or be a part of it, Mom.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James 1: 2-4

Consider it all JOY, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing

Romans 5: 3-4

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope.