Staci

I went to high school with a girl named Staci.

We were in so many classes together.

I slept over at her house with all of our friends.

She slept over at my house with all of our friends.

One time, we all even had a sleep over at the church

where my dad was pastoring at the time.

We were friends.

We were together through boyfriends, marching band,

carpooling to school, the PSAT, the SAT, 

graduation, and so much more.

We lost daily contact after high school

and we went to separate colleges and towns.

But we were still friends.

I was at her 1^st wedding.

She was at mine.

And I went to visit her when her first son was born.

As life went on and we lived in different towns, we lost even more contact but we did exchange baby announcements when we had more babies (Staci had 1 more son in her first marriage and 1 son in her second marriage).  And I sent Christmas cards to her as long as I could find her address.

I still consider her my friend.

She, along with my other high school friends, came to the funeral home when Rob died.

I cannot tell you how much it means to someone (at least it did to me) to go the visitation and the funeral if at all possible.

Today, just a little bit ago, I got word that Staci’s oldest son

–        the one I went to visit when he was born –

Zachary

(age 21)

died in a 4 wheeler accident.

I cannot describe how death affects me now.

But I will say that every time I hear that someone I love is

having to survive the aftermath of death,

especially sudden death,

it just shakes me to my very core.

And it takes a while for me to get my bearings.

I cannot imagine losing a child.

Please pray for my friend, Staci, and all of Zach’s family.

(Zach May 1993)

(Staci and Zach; our friend Connie and her son Jonathan; 

our friend Angie and me in June 1993 at Angie's son's 1st birthday party).

Road Trip - Memory Trip

I need birth certificates for my sons next week.

Sounds simple enough.

And before, I would have known exactly where they would be.

In my “important” folder.

Which was kept in the house in which I am now living.

That way, it was safely in our “retirement house” and didn’t get moved around with all of the 

parsonage moves and never got “misplaced.”

But now, well, now is just different.

I just can’t even begin to remember where it is.

I had it right after Rob died – because I needed all of those important items like birth certificates and social security cards to apply for the death benefits that my kids would receive (until age 18) from their dad’s social security.

So I retrieved it from this house and took it to where I was living then.

I carried that folder, along with the just purchased file box containing Rob’s death certificate, will, and estate papers, to the Social Security office a little over a week from when Rob died.

I came home from that appointment – emotionally drained, depleted of energy, sad, lonely, overwhelmed by the loss my children had gained and would be burdened to carry for the remainder of their lives, and just in a state of overall sorrow.

I set the file down on my then desk.

And that’s the last time I remember seeing it.

In the last house.

9 months before we moved out of it.

I know it’s somewhere.  I’m sure it wouldn’t have gotten thrown away.  Pretty sure it got mistakenly packed with all of the bulletin and newsletter stuff on the desk that I knew I would not need for a long time – if ever again at all.

And since I don’t relish the thought of digging into my storage buildings yet, it’s just easier to slowly rebuild my “important” file – as needed.

When I needed Anna’s birth certificate in March 2013 for something she was involved in, I drove to the county where she was born to get a couple of copies. 

I also got copies of Crystol’s and Rob’s since they were all born in the same county.

A gasp and silent tears accompanied the sight of Rob’s birth certificate as the clerk handed it to me – 

she didn’t warn me that the word

“DECEASED,”

in capital letters,

would be superimposed over the entire document.

It’s not like I didn’t know he was dead.

But seeing the “legalness” of the circle of his life on this earth – the beginning and the end – with the ending so largely printed in red letters over all of the facts of his birth –

was literally breathtaking.

When Anna needed her social security card to register for college (because there was a typo error on her application and we had to prove her identity), we went to the Social Security office and ordered a duplicate one.

(Just for your information and something good to know  – you are limited to 10 Social Security cards in your lifetime – not including name changes such as marriage, etc).

Now that I need birth certificates for my sons by next week, I had to drive to the county where they were born, 2 ½ hours from where I live, to get them.

(Another good thing to know that I found out yesterday – in some counties in the state where I live, you can now get copies of birth certificates for persons born in other counties if both counties participate in whatever the program is called – which all of the counties I needed for my children do.  The copies cost more that way but it would have been worth it if I had known in time for me to have that one-stop shopping option!).

So since I had to make this trip, I thought I would make a day of it.

I tried to plan taking my kids to see my brother and his family (who live in that county not far from where I needed to go) but my brother and sister-in-law were going to be working and my nieces and nephew were going to all be with their caretaker at their school open houses meeting their new teachers.

So I left before Anna got home from class and Wesley didn’t want to go just to be in the car for 5 hours.  I don’t blame him.  

My sister and her husband live a little over an hour into the trip to where I needed to go.

It is my Luke’s turn to go spend a couple of nights with them.

All of my kids LOVE going to stay with Joan and Scot.

And since Luke had missed his earlier in the week opportunity to go because he had been sick, I called Joan and arranged to drop him off at her house on my way to get the birth certificates.

Luke and I started the day with a stop to get some cereal, chocolate milk, and junk food for him to take with him to Joan and Scot’s.

After we got back in the car, Luke’s exact words were,

“I’m happy.  Thank you, Mama, for taking me to Joan’s.”

He also told me thank you for buying him junk food to take with him.

He told me he would miss me... 

...and I miss him...

...but he was thrilled to get to stay!

I then continued my trip to collect what was needed.

It was a beautful drive there and back.

I called and talked with Rob's mom for almost an hour.

I called and talked with a couple more people too.

I love the courthouse. I love old buildings with lots of intricate details.

And the process of obtaining the birth certificates was easy

but looking at Rob's name on them was not.  

Just as it was when I went to get Anna’s birth certificate, it was hard.

 It's still difficult for me to think of my kids

being fatherless. 

And being in that town was bittersweet.

Driving by the OB/GYN office where I had the ultrasounds that showed we would have our first son and then our second son 2 ½ years later.

With Wesley’s ultrasound, I looked over at Rob and said,

“Oh Rob, you’re going to have a son.”

Rob LOVED his girls but he was thrilled to be blessed with a boy…

…and then another one!

Driving by the hospital where I labored and gave birth to my sons 

and where Rob was very first hospitalized when Wesley was just a newborn.

Driving by the building where both of my sons and I had to have surgeries –

a lumpectomy for me when I was 5 months pregnant with Wesley

(thank God it ended up benign), 

some toe surgery for Wesley when he was around 3,

and tubes for Luke’s ears when he was a little over 1.

Driving by the area where Crystol lived when she was in college there

(this town was where she met her then future husband, Alan).

Driving by the area where I went to chorus concerts, inductions, Master level hooding ceremonies, pinning ceremonies, and graduations for Crystol, my brother, and my sister-in-law.  There are many degrees between the 3 of them.

Being in the town where my Rob was ordained an elder in full connection in the United Methodist Church at its Annual Conference.

Being in the town where my dad formally retired from the United Methodist Church 

at its Annual Conference. 

Lots of memories accompanied this trip to get birth certificates. 

I didn’t summon the memories. 

They just arrived. 

That’s the way my mind works.

Most of them made me smile.

  

It’s only the 2^nd time I’ve been to that town since Rob died. 

And even though we never lived in the town itself 

(we lived in the same county but 30 minutes away), 

we spent so much time there and so many monumental things happened there,

it’s like visiting one of the places where “we” were.

When there’s no longer a “we” to remember it with.

And that is hard.

Because even with all of the happy memories that parade through my mind, the ending is always the same – he is dead and he is not here to be my husband.  

He is not here to be our children's father.

But I am still ever so grateful that I have those memories.

They are all cherished.

And interwoven into the life we are living now.

I never forget that he is dead.

But I also never forget that I’m alive.

I never forget that I am a widow and alone.

But I also never forget that, for now, I still have 3 children at home who keep me company.

I never forget that our children are fatherless.

But I also never forget that they are happy and well-adjusted in spite of that fact.

And even though every single memory of our past life - even the good ones - 

lead to the same ending that Rob is dead, 

I am thankful that I was blessed to live the life to have made them to begin with.

And my road trip yesterday was a good reminder of that.

And Off She Goes...

And off she goes...

...to her first day of college...

...as she starts the next chapter...

...in the book of her life.

I pray it's a great read.

It's Been One Year

Today, it has been 1 year since Rob's father passed away.

Hard to believe it has been an entire year since I drove the 12 hours straight

(only stopping to get some supper at the drive-through and to use the restroom twice)

to arrive at the Florida hospital, with my children, around 1:30 in the morning

to say good-bye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What follows are the 2 posts I wrote about that week:

The first one was written on August 12, 2013

(the day before Jim died)

Monday, August 12, 2013

Life and Death - Hanging In The Balance

My late husband, Robert Edward, lived for 24 hours after we found him unconscious.

His father, James David, is in his 10 or 11th day after Hospice was called in.

With Rob, we only had 24 short hours with no interaction because he was unconscious.

With my father-in-law, we've had days with much conversation.

With Rob, we got no feedback.

With Jim, we've had lots of history lessons, stories, and memories told.

With Rob, it was all so sudden,

With Jim, we've had some time to adjust.

With Rob, he was my kids' father, "Daddy."

With Jim, he is my kids' grandfather, "Paw Paw Jim."

With Rob, we were minutes away from the hospital and I never left Rob's side.

With Jim, we drove to Sarasota, FL and were able to visit on and off for 4 days.

In Rob's case, we were achingly and desperately wanting to tell him we loved him, say good bye... 

...AND KNOW THAT HE HEARD US.

In Jim's case, we were able to do just that with like responses back from him.

In both cases, death was and will be the most merciful thing for both men 

that I love and have loved.

But for my children and for me, both cases were and are purely heartbreaking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The second post was written on August 25, 2013

(the day after Jim's NC funeral).

Sunday, August 25, 2013

What I Said At His Dad's Funeral

We formally said good-bye to my father-in-law yesterday.

His funeral was yesterday morning (August 24, 2013).

My Crystol and my Anna sang a song that their grandfather had requested  - Crystol played her guitar for their song.  

Rob and Jim would both have been so, so, so, so, so proud of them.

My sons looked so handsome in their new suits.

Rob and Jim would both have been so, so, so so, so proud of them.

Jim had asked me to speak - so I did.

This is what I said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JAMES DAVID SHELTON

A son, a brother, an uncle, a husband, a father, and a grandfather but I knew him as my father-in-law.

I am Janna Shelton, the widow of Jim’s oldest son, Robert.  Jim asked me to speak today.  I told him I would be honored.

I saw Jim for the first time 20 years ago.  I have photos of that day.

I saw Jim for the last time on August 11th.  And after, not before, his directive of “Is anybody recording any of this?” as 5 of his 6 grandchildren were gathered around him (Crystol’s flight had already departed), I have some photos of those last days as well.

My children and I spent 4 days visiting off and on with Jim in his hospital room.  I did not take photos of him during the first 2 days because I didn’t think he would want me to. But I definitely saw things worthy of noting and captured them in my mind.

-What I saw was a grandfather still giving history lessons to his grandchildren.

-What I saw was a grandson massaging his Paw Paw’s back for hours as he processed the fact that his Paw Paw was really going to die.

-What I saw was a grandfather telling his grandchildren stories.

-What I saw was a grandfather devising with his grandson a joke to play on Mick (Jim’s friend)when he arrived that day.

-What I saw was another grandson crying because he wasn’t going to get the chance to make more memories with his Paw Paw.

-What I saw was a grandfather recalling memories for his grandchildren to hear.

-What I saw was a grandfather asking us each night, even as 1:30 a.m. approached, to “stay a while longer.”  And we did, staying one night until 4:30 a.m.

-What I saw was a granddaughter and grandsons who also did not want to separate and leave the room because they knew that each time, it could be the last time.

-What I saw was a grandson asking his grandfather to tell his daddy hello for him when he gets to heaven.

Photographs could not have captured the essence of those moments, even if I had tried.

Those moments just had to be lived       –       and turned into memories.

During those 4 days, knowing that Jim wanted me to speak today, I asked him a few questions. And he, knowing full well why I was asking and grinning that I was taking notes, cleared his throat and in his best orator’s voice that he could muster with his waning energy level, proceeded to answer in a fashion that any Toastmaster club would be proud to hear.  And each time he spoke, the love he felt for his sons was clearly evident on his face.

My 3 main questions to him were about his children, his 3 sons:

What are your favorite memories of Robert?

What are your favorite memories of Eric?

What are your favorite memories of Bryan?

His immediate, first answer was:  “There are just so many that it’s hard to choose.”

He then went on to answer about Robert.  For his firstborn son, the favorite memories he told me were:

1-      BOTH of the days Robert got married.

2-      My wedding day when Robert officiated

3-      When Robert was about 2 years old swinging the golf club around and I have a picture of him doing that.

4-      Robert coming home from his first date.  He wore a blue suit and he was driving my blue Datsun 240 Z.

5-      Robert driving off with Bryan in my orange Fiat.

6-      And my favorite photo of him was his Kindergarten graduation photo.

He then drifted off to sleep and it was later that evening when he continued, this time about Eric.

For his middle son, Jim said, “Eric and I loved to play mind games.  We would spend hours guessing what number in cards the other was putting down.  But my favorite memory of Eric was him riding his bike like crazy in our back yard.”

It was the next day before he answered me about Bryan.  For his youngest son, his answers were:

1-      My favorite memory of all time with Bryan was going to the Ohio State Rose Bowl with him.  That was a great day.

2-      Bryan’s wedding day

3-      And a dominant memory of Bryan is what could have been a dangerous one.  I flipped him over when I was riding a bike with Bryan on the back.  He came close to hitting a rock.

I am so glad I decided to ask him these questions and based on his reactions, I feel sure he was glad to be able to answer.  And my children and I were blessed to be able to hear about all of those moments that were lived – and turned into memories.

My late husband loved his father and they could spend hours on the phone discussing sports, health, jobs, and all kinds of topics.  I wish I had asked my Rob his favorite memory of his father but I never did and I will not try to guess but I did ask my children.

My Crystol said her favorite memory of her Paw Paw Jim was their mutual respect for each other - that he not only treated her like a granddaughter but also like his friend.  And she loved that he taught her how to play spades.

My Anna said her favorite memory was when she retold for him in person last September her maid of honor speech she delivered at Crystol’s wedding that he was unable to attend.  He told her she could be a Toastmaster.

My Wesley said his favorite memory was when Paw Paw Jim taught him how to play Battleship. Jim never let anybody win anything on purpose so Wesley was thrilled when he actually beat him not long after being taught to play.

My Luke said his favorite memory is showing Paw Paw Jim the toy Bionicle he built.  My little engineer was proud to show his Paw Paw Jim how he had built it.

My favorite memory would have to be when he first met each of my children but especially when he met Wesley, his first grandson.  He so loved his granddaughters and thought they were so special but when Wesley was born, he was ecstatic that there would be a boy to carry on the Shelton name.  And when Luke followed soon after, Jim told me I had produced 

“an heir and a spare.”

Carrying on – that is what we have to do now.

Whether or not our last name is Shelton – every one here today is here because of James David Shelton and what he meant to each of us.

And as we move forward without Paw Paw Jim living among us, we will carry with us each of our moments lived with him – our moments turned into our memories.

2 years - Crystol and Alan (a day late)

2 years ago yesterday,

I watched our oldest daughter, 

Crystol,

marry her Alan.

She was such a gorgeous bride and he was such a handsome groom.

And,

even before the rain stopped,

it was a beautiful day.

So - 

a day late -

Happy Second Anniversary Crystol and Alan!!

Love you both!!

Where I've Been

Someone asked me where I've been
and how I've been
since I haven't posted anything since July 30th.

We've just been busy.

We went to the Farmer's Day Friday night fun and
the Saturday morning Farmer's Day parade.

We were at the beach for a week.

There have been a few situations going on with my mom that
required my full attention when we got home
(everybody is okay now).

I've taken Anna to buy books

and a new laptop

and stuff she needs

for college.

Hard to believe my baby girl starts college classes next Monday!!!!!

We've just been very busy

and I haven't had time to be on the computer.

In fact, since we didn't have internet at the beach,

I didn't even have my computer turned on for 9 whole days.

So, we're okay.

And I haven't forgotten about Ben and Jenny's wedding photos :)