Self-Reflection, Self-Pity, Maybe A Little Of Both, And Encouragement

First of all, a disclaimer.  I originally wrote this just for me.  I wasn’t going to post it.  I just wanted to remember it for my own sake because for me, writing is cathartic, and looking back in the future to how I felt on a certain day helps me see how far I’ve come.  However, in thinking about it and in praying about it, I have decided to post it.  I have always been honest on this blog – through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I know there are some folks out there who can benefit from what I have gone through and what I’m still going through and for those, I am posting this.  
I AM OKAY.  But I am normal.  And when things go wrong, in my humanness, it’s easy to still search for the familiar and wish things could be the way they were, even though I know it cannot be. 

James 1:4  (King James Version)

“But let patience have her perfect work,

that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”

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When I got up this morning,

I could walk.

For that, I am thankful.

When I got up this morning,

my children were healthy.

For that, I am thankful.

When I got up this morning,

all of our needs were met.

For that, I am thankful.

When I got up this morning,

God was still God

and I have full confidence in

His ability to take care of

my children and me.

For that, I am thankful.

So I am well aware and very thankful

that it is as good as it is.

I know it could always be worse.

But having said all of that,

it didn’t take long for my day to start being overwhelming

and for me to start feeling trapped in my own circumstances.

I guess it really started yesterday.

Yesterday, I had some conversations with 2 different people

which were thought provoking.

One of the conversations was about my present.

And another one was about my past – in particular,

about the last night Rob was conscious.

I’m not really sure why I did, but with one person,

I shared some painful details of that last night

that I’ve never told anyone before.

Which, for the first time in what seems like forever,

took me back to that running loop in my mind of that night.
I was successful in putting it out of my mind after a bit

 and kept it out of my mind until my phone delivered a message from the agency that handles the CNA who works with my dad.  In order to listen to the new message, I had to resave all of my saved messages to keep them from being deleted. 

I have messages from my Rob that I have saved since he died.

I could have just chosen resave and skipped over them but

I really just wanted to hear his voice so I listened.

His voice, coupled with the earlier discussion, got to me.

It did not take me back to the “on the floor” crying

but I did cry and the sadness did take me back

to wishing, yet again, that I could change some things

about that last night with my Rob.

And it also made me wish I could change some things about my present.

None of which I can do.

What’s done is done.

And that cannot change.

But, in my humanness, I still want it to.

After 2 separate phone calls with 2 friends

(both of whom have lost spouses)

and some prayer,

my mind quieted down

and I was okay to settle in for the night.

And, even though some heaviness had lingered,

I awoke this morning with a clear mind to begin my day.

Much was on the list.

Oil change for my van, getting Anna’s tires rotated, trips to both my bank and my parents’ bank, paying bills, phone calls about a phone for my mom’s room at the rehab center since she just can’t get the hang of using her cell phone again, going through and choosing photos from the last 3 years for something special, download the information that I will need for Annual Conference (I am the lay delegate for our church this year), washing clothes, washing Mama’s clothes to take back to the rehab center, repair the loose hem in my black pants, get my dad’s prescription refills and fix his medicine for the next 3 weeks, school for my kids, and most importantly – trying to figure out what to do about my dad when I’m going to be out of town for Annual Conference since he cannot be left alone and the plans that were made way ahead of time for the first 3 days have fallen through.

So, after taking care of my dad (the CNA had a doctor’s appointment

and was not going to be here in time to do my dad’s morning routine)

taking care of some things around my house,

and making sure my kids were on call for my dad,

I left to go get the oil changed in the van.

As I said, some heaviness from yesterday had lingered

but I really was okay.

Or so I thought.

I texted back and forth some with a friend while waiting for my oil change.

I texted my siblings about the fact that Daddy needs someone to stay with him.

Since they all 4 have phones now (even Luke), I texted my 4 children and told them all that I love them and they will always be my world.

I took care of getting some paperwork finished that I needed to turn in somewhere.

And then they said my van was ready so I stepped up to the counter.

As the guy started telling me about my van, he turned the monitor to me

so I could see what he was listing aloud to me.

And as soon as he turned the monitor to me,

the tears instantly started to fall.

I

tried

so

hard

to stop them.

But I just could not.

For on that screen popped up my late husband’s name

and the address of the parsonage

where that last conscious night with him took place.

I didn’t remember that the account was still under his name.

He never owned this van. It was bought after his death.

But the license plate was on the previous van so it just transferred over.

Don’t know why I never noticed in the last 3½ years but this was the first time I did.

And I could not stop the tears.

Obviously the guy noticed.

He even asked if I was okay.

I answered that seeing my late husband’s name and our previous

parsonage’s address just caught me off guard.  I added that it’s

been over 3½ years so I wasn’t sure why it caught me so off guard

but it just did.  I handed him my license and asked him if he could please

change the account to my name and current address.

This poor guy was really sweet.

He even said that if he knew me well enough

he would give me a hug.

That made me smile

and I told him thank you and that

I was sorry for crying at his counter.

He smiled and told me not to worry about it

and that he was sorry for my loss.

I left his counter still fighting back the tears.

I drove to my bank and parked.

I managed to stop the tears enough to go through the drive-through

and then headed to my parents’ bank.

But on the way there, I just could not stop crying.

So I parked there for a bit. 

I had to finish the withdrawal slip anyway.

After finally going through that drive-through,

I headed to the next place I needed to go.

Walmart.

Which reminded me of some things about

my present that I wish I could change.

And the tears started again.

And, in that moment, I got so mad at Rob for dying on me.

Because if he had not died, he would not be my past.

He would be my present.

He would be my future.

He would be here to hold me when I’m sad.

He would be here to celebrate with me when I’m happy.

He would be here to tell me it’s going to be okay.

He would be here to listen to me as my mind jumps from thing to thing to thing

and, even though he usually couldn’t keep up,

he would laugh at the speed at which I changed subjects.

He would be here to be able to handle me as I am.

He would be here to finish raising his children, to enjoy them, and to be proud of them that they are such great kids.  And they really are great kids.  They are well-behaved, well-mannered, well-grounded, respectful, intelligent, talented, insightful, spiritual, loving, compassionate, resilient kids!  And despite all that they have lost are enjoying living their lives.  I have awesome kids!

But most of all, what I thought about today was that, if he had not died, I would not be reliving those painful details of that last conscious night with him.

So, since I was still parked in the parking lot, and the tears weren’t stopping, I turned the radio back up (I had turned it down when driving into the bay for the oil change).

I always keep it tuned to K-Love (a contemporary Christian station).

And, as sure as the world I’m living in,

I knew God sent a song of encouragement for me.

For this was the song that came on:

The Glorious Unfolding
(Steven Curtis Chapman)

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don't try to figure it out
Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart
Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it's just not true
There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God's plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we're living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We'll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

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Here is a link to the awesome video of the song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKMjEvF2Fkw

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So, what I’ve learned from the last few days is

that, even at over 3½ years,

I am still navigating the waters of my new normal.

I am still making mistakes.

I am still learning from them.

I learned, yet again, that grief is cyclical

and never-ending.

I learned that, even though I truly do

feel whole and healed,

I will never stop missing my Rob.

I learned that as much as I am sick of living in my Plan B,

(or in all actuality, I guess it’s about Plan M by now),

that God is always there no matter what plan I’m on

and that He will provide the encouragement I need

to keep on keeping on.

So I will try to keep focused on James 1:4 and let patience have her perfect work

so I can be entire and wanting nothing.  

For I know it’s only through His will that this can happen. 

So, I’m waiting God, for the glorious unfolding of the rest of my story.

Bring it on!