Reverberations

We are 12 days shy of the 2 year mark of Rob's death.

It has been almost 2 years since my children's father became unconscious during the middle of the night in our then 8 year old son's bed.

Luke is 10 now.  

But even though it's been almost 2 years, the reverberations from that night still, at times, haunt my little boy.

I knew he had been hanging close to me all day today - even opting to lie down with me when I took a rare afternoon nap.

He stayed close to me as I did everything I did today and he even made sure I was just in the next room when he was playing on the computer.  

And tonight, just a little bit ago, his plight of the day finally came to light.  He had tried to bear it alone.  But as night drew closer, he could no longer stand not telling me and, with tears and sobbing that shook his whole body, he shared his heart.  And I tried so very hard to not cry in front of him.

2 years ago, we had a bit of an "Indian Summer."  Since I homeschool, we can choose when we start and end school - as long as we get 180 days in during our year.  In 2011, we had planned on starting school the week before Rob died but we didn't.  I looked at the weather and saw that it was going to be 90 degrees 4 out of the 5 school days and, after talking with Rob about it, I decided to have one last week of "free" summer fun. We spent that week going swimming at our neighbor's inground pool, having some other homeschool friends over to swim at our pool, and just spending some great time together as a family 

(and in hindsight, I see God's Hand all over that decision and His providence in place for that last week as a family). 

So, when we all went to bed on Sunday, September 18, 2011, it was with the plan to start school on Monday morning, September 19th.  

However, it was during the night of September 18th that Luke wanted his dad to lie down with him while he went to sleep and it was the early morning of September 19th that Luke could not get his dad to wake up, the ambulance was called, and Rob was taken to the emergency room.

It was after going to bed that night before we planned to start school the next day that our entire worlds changed.

The boys and I are supposed to start school tomorrow.  Anna started a couple of weeks ago.  I've been speaking to the boys about it on and off all day today - talking about weaning back in bedtimes for them (they've had a great summer of no bedtimes really) - talking about where we will start and just talking about all of the other information I usually discuss the day before.

I knew Luke was reacting with sadness but I just thought it was because he did not want to start back doing school.

I was so wrong.

He's not sad.

He's scared.

His exact words to me were, "I'm scared something is going to happen to you tonight after we go to bed because it was the night before when we were going to start school the next day that all that stuff happened to Daddy and he didn't wake up.  And I don't want anything to happen to you."  

After lots of discussion about the fact that it hasn't been long since I went to the doctor and everything was okay so we have every reason to believe that I will wake up tomorrow...

 And after more discussion that, even if the worst did happen (I no longer make promises to my children that life will be all rosy because sometimes it just isn't and they've had to learn that the hard way), God would take care of him just as God has taken care of him since Daddy died...  

And after even more discussion and listening to my heartbeat and looking in my eyes and listening to me breathe and reminding him that we already started school one time since Daddy died and I was okay and anything else I could think of to reassure my little boy that I plan on waking up in the morning, he seemed okay and went back to playing on the computer.

But his words are sticking to every part of my heart as I'm getting everybody headed to bed - 

this night before we start back to school.