Memories - Old and New

Today is September 1, 2013.  The 20^th of this month will mark 2 years since my Rob died.  My children have lived fatherless and I have been widowed for 712 days now.   

The memories of and from my marriage to my Rob will never go away. 

They are as much a part of me as is my breathing. 

But more than not now, they make me smile and sometimes make me even break out into a full blown laugh as I remember. 

On some days, the memories pound on the walls of my world. 

On some days, the memories weave in and out of my life seamlessly as the day goes on.  

On some days, the memories present themselves in a more subtle fashion. 

But they’re always there – whether it’s in the way one of my children smiles at me or whether it’s coming across a note he wrote me as I’m continuing the process of going through everything. 

The difference, though, that I’ve noticed in the last little while is that now as the memories make their way into my day, thoughts of gratitude for the moments I have lived with my Rob and the family we had are what comes to mind most. 

This morning in church, we sang this song.

“Here I Am, Lord.”  A song that Rob and I basically adopted as one of the “theme songs” for our upcoming life of ministry.  It was sung at the first Annual Conference I attended with my Rob when he received his “License To Preach.”  Rob was “on loan” to the Western NC Conference while he was a student at Duke Divinity School so this Annual Conference was held at Lake Junaluska.  It was such a fun week for us.  I was finished teaching for the year.  We would be moving into the parsonage of Rob’s first church appointment soon after this conference.  Our dreams were being realized.  He was so happy.  And it was wonderful.  One of the lines in this song – “I will go, Lord, if You lead me.  I will hold Your people in my heart” was especially meaningful to us as we started our journey of ministry and all of the moves we knew it would involve.  Rob used this song often in his ministry and until the nodules on my vocal chords silenced my singing voice, we sang this song as a duet often with Rob playing his guitar for us. 

I’ve heard this song many times over the years in many settings.  And since Rob died, the tears have flowed freely and often as I’ve heard it.  But today, as I sang the words as well as I could and listening to the words when I could not get my singing voice to work, it was as if God was smiling with me as I remembered watching my Rob cross the stage to receive his “license to preach.”  And I didn’t cry.  I just smiled.  And I was grateful that we had what we had.  I am grateful that Rob and I “went where God led” and that we “held His people (at every appointment) in our hearts.”  And I am grateful that since Rob died, I have continued to “go where He has led me.”  And I still “hold all of His people in my heart.” 

Tonight, as I was trying to find something on television to play in the background as I worked on bills (fun night, huh?), I came across the movie; “We Are Marshall.”  And again, I just smiled.  

Rob and I started taking our kids to a place at the beach during the winter months.  It has an indoor water park and we couldn’t afford it in the summer so it became a winter tradition that I have continued to maintain.  We could only afford a couple of nights so we always tried to make the most of every minute the water parks were open.  As soon as we would arrive and get the luggage to the room, Rob would take all of the kids down to swim and I would always stay in the room and unpack.  And because I love having it in the background, I always turned on the television as I unpacked.  One year, a movie caught my attention because of the East Carolina connection and I watched it.  It was “We Are Marshall.”  Marshall’s football team died in a plane crash on their way home from playing ECU and the movie chronicles how the college dealt with the grief and rebuilt the football program.  

It was a great movie.  I watched it again tonight (still haven’t finished the bills) and just like this morning, I didn’t cry.  I just smiled at the memories it brought back of our winter get-aways and all of the fun we would have on those trips.  And I was and am grateful we had those moments as a family.

My children and I have made many new memories since Rob died.  And even though they miss him still, they are doing well.  Nothing can ever replace what we have all lost but I am grateful to God that happiness has found its way back into the lives of my babies.  And, even though I certainly still have my bad days, I am grateful I am not stuck in the quagmire of grief that overcomes so many.  I have been very intentional in my (and our) grief process to not let this happen. 

I will forever feel blessed that I married my Rob and made a family with him.  I will smile when I hear “Here I Am” and I will smile when I happen across a movie that reminds me of him.  But, as I enter into this month – the month that will mark 2 years - I am ready to make and add more new memories to the ones already cataloged in my mind.  And I look forward to having many more moments - old and new - that will make me smile.