(Wednesday morning - I wrote this last night but for some reason
it did not post as it was supposed to)
Today (Tuesday, June 26, 2012) is Moving Day for United Methodist ministers in our conference.
it did not post as it was supposed to)
Today (Tuesday, June 26, 2012) is Moving Day for United Methodist ministers in our conference.
It has not been lost on me today that I'm no longer in that world.
It's been a sad reminder for me all over again today of how I no longer have my Rob.
It's been a long day of doctor appointments, a Language class for Anna, trying to get the pool pump to work, and trying to make a dent in the unpacking and arranging of stuff in my house.
It's been a long, long day when, even though nothing really bad happened, everything seemed to be a struggle. The pool pump will not work. I have a 6 inch long scratch on my leg from the pool ladder. I hurt my toe so badly when the bottom step of the pool ladder broke that it feels like I might have broken it and I still can't walk through my living room for all of the stuff in the way.
The moving day itself, in our Methodist life (with my parents and with my Rob) was always fun for me. And although it was always so bittersweet because we were leaving friends in each place, moving days were the days when all of the work paid off. We would move to an empty, clean (hopefully) parsonage. We would meet the people who would become part of our daily lives. There would always be a meal prepared for us and some refreshment stocked in the fridge. As I was in the car with Anna a lot today and we were talking about moving day, she told me she has a lot of the same memories and she missed a lot of the same things that I did. I'm glad that I have at least one child who is old enough to really remember the FUN of moving days.
I've felt very ALONE today without my Rob as it was moving day and that's an obvious reminder but also when doing things like working with the pool pump. Rob was the pool pump person. Now it's me.
And when trying to move furniture, there's no Rob to help and so on and so on and so on. Now it's me for all of it. There was an hour or so tonight when I was very discouraged.
However, I have not felt LONELY because I have felt God beside me ALL DAY LONG and unless you've been there yourself, there really is no way to explain how all of the above feelings can be going on at the exact same time that I feel God's peace.
Until after Rob died, I really had no idea what "peace that passes all understanding" meant. Now I do.
So as I've gone about what had to be done today, I have tried hard to acknowledge to myself the grief that I'm feeling over losing the life I lived with my Rob but to push forward with life God has given me for now.
And after I placed the online order for a new pool pump and a new pool ladder, I decided to take some time to look at pictures of the blessing of life - the life that God has given me for now - the life with my children and my family.
We are truly blessed and that is not lost on me either!
It's been a long day of doctor appointments, a Language class for Anna, trying to get the pool pump to work, and trying to make a dent in the unpacking and arranging of stuff in my house.
It's been a long, long day when, even though nothing really bad happened, everything seemed to be a struggle. The pool pump will not work. I have a 6 inch long scratch on my leg from the pool ladder. I hurt my toe so badly when the bottom step of the pool ladder broke that it feels like I might have broken it and I still can't walk through my living room for all of the stuff in the way.
The moving day itself, in our Methodist life (with my parents and with my Rob) was always fun for me. And although it was always so bittersweet because we were leaving friends in each place, moving days were the days when all of the work paid off. We would move to an empty, clean (hopefully) parsonage. We would meet the people who would become part of our daily lives. There would always be a meal prepared for us and some refreshment stocked in the fridge. As I was in the car with Anna a lot today and we were talking about moving day, she told me she has a lot of the same memories and she missed a lot of the same things that I did. I'm glad that I have at least one child who is old enough to really remember the FUN of moving days.
I've felt very ALONE today without my Rob as it was moving day and that's an obvious reminder but also when doing things like working with the pool pump. Rob was the pool pump person. Now it's me.
And when trying to move furniture, there's no Rob to help and so on and so on and so on. Now it's me for all of it. There was an hour or so tonight when I was very discouraged.
However, I have not felt LONELY because I have felt God beside me ALL DAY LONG and unless you've been there yourself, there really is no way to explain how all of the above feelings can be going on at the exact same time that I feel God's peace.
Until after Rob died, I really had no idea what "peace that passes all understanding" meant. Now I do.
So as I've gone about what had to be done today, I have tried hard to acknowledge to myself the grief that I'm feeling over losing the life I lived with my Rob but to push forward with life God has given me for now.
And after I placed the online order for a new pool pump and a new pool ladder, I decided to take some time to look at pictures of the blessing of life - the life that God has given me for now - the life with my children and my family.
We are truly blessed and that is not lost on me either!
Here are some snapshots of "Janna's view" since June 16.
Wesley's 1st (lost count with Anna) time to go on a youth trip. They went tubing in the mountains.
finishing the parsonage paperwork
my last view of what was Rob's church study
the pulpit at Mt. Hermon
Luke at church Sunday: "I want to sit beside Paw Paw."
I did not have a church circle group that provided a meal on moving day (although I was told that if I had told Smyrna Church when I was moving that they would have done it!) but I did have my Aunt Jane who came over when we were putting up the pool (Monday) and made a meal (at my parents' house) for all of us pool workers!
As I was eating my very late lunch today around 4:30, I was looking out of my dining room windows and thanked God for my view. I really do love sitting at this table and looking out over my land.
My great grandfather, who was a circuit riding Methodist preacher, retired and lived on this same land after his ministry.
My father, who 3 1/2 years ago, retired from the United Methodist ministry in his 50th year as a pastor, lives - after his ministry - on this land right beside me.
And now I - a preacher's daughter for 44 years - a preacher's wife for 17 years - a United Methodist minister's widow for 9 months - will - after my ministry with Rob - settle onto this land with my children and discover not only what the future holds, but what today holds as well - each day as I look out over my
new view!
This plaque was on the door of every place I have lived since I have been an adult. It was at every parsonage. And it was always placed on whatever door was used most frequently so that it would be seen and read often. It now lives on my front door. And it is a reminder that, even though it is DRASTICALLY different now, our family's mission of ministry will not change. My passion to know people are accepting Jesus as their Savior has not changed. My passion to know people are growing closer to God has not changed. My passion to know people are producing the fruit of the Spirit has not changed.
Only the venue has changed.
Our venue now will not be in a church with Rob. It will now just be within the framework of our daily living.
Who knows - maybe that's what God has used from me all along anyway.
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