18 months - 1 and 1/2 years

It has been 18 months today since my Rob was alive on this earth.

1 and 1/2 years.

18 months sounds shorter than 1 and 1/2 years, doesn't it?

But no matter which way you decide to mark that passage of time in words... 

- 18 months or 1 and 1/2 years -

...it's still the same.

He is not HERE.

He is not here with me.

And he is not here with them.

Forlorn

Mark 10: 8

"And the two will become one flesh.  So they are no longer two, but one flesh."

I miss so much about my Rob but yesterday and today, I am especially missing conversation with him. 

Yesterday something happened that I had to work really hard to not react to.  And it was a simple thing - really not noteworthy to anyone but me.  But it was hard.  In response to a question asked, I spoke.  What I said is irrelevant but it was obvious that what I said did not matter and was maybe not even heard.  It really was not a big deal.  But in that moment, for some reason, it was huge to my heart that the person did not take the interest or the time (1/2 of a minute) to finish hearing my answer.  

And in that moment, I missed my Rob more intensely than I have in a while. 

I so miss him coming home and telling me about his day.

And I so miss having someone to tell about mine.

I miss talking with him about his past, his present, and his future.

And I so miss having that one person who knows and cares about the details of my past, my present, and my future.

I miss listening to him ramble on and on while getting his point across.

And I miss him listening to me ramble on and on while making many points.

(And I even miss the times when I know he wasn't really listening 

but he cared enough about me to try to fake listening).

I miss having someone who remembers the days our children were born, someone who remembers the milestones they have marked, and someone to be with me as they mark new ones. 

I miss having someone I have history with.

I miss having someone with whom I know I have a future.

So as the verse I quoted above says, "the two will become one."  That's the way I felt about all of my life with Rob.  His troubles were my troubles.  My troubles were his troubles.  His joys were my joys.  My joys were his joys.  And even in disagreement, I always felt like we had the same ultimate goals.  

And when his death happened (which in 2 days will be 18 months ago), that "twoness" felt like it was literally ripped from my body, my intellect, and my emotions.  It literally felt like I lost a limb.  

I'm not a math person but this is the way it has added up and has been subtracted for me.

When I married Rob, we went from being separate ones - "two" - to being "one."

But when he died, I did not feel like I went back to being my separate one of "two"
that I was before Rob.

It felt like I was reduced to 1/2 of the "one" we were - only 1/2 was left.

And now, even though on most days I am truly fine, there are some days - like yesterday and today - when it seems as if I'll never feel like a whole "one" again.  

Sometimes Life Gets In The Way...

Just to let you know we have been very busy living life...

For those who wonder where we've been for the last week and a half since I last posted...

Well - lots of places that are ordinary...

Church, home, grocery shopping, etc., etc, etc.,

Podiatrist appointment for my dad...

Dental visits (check-ups/cleaning) for all 3 of the kids and for me...

3 dental visits for my mom (she is beginning the 4-6 month process of extensive dental work - she has another appointment this week and many, many more in the weeks to come)...

A friend's 16th birthday party...

But we did have one family event that we attended that was not ordinary... 

It was Anna's play and it was extraordinary and I will try to post about it soon...

Her theatre group did a reader's theatre play this time...

It was different than most of their plays and it was great...

And that was followed by going out to eat to celebrate Anna and to celebrate my sister's birthday...

Life is busy... and sometimes it gets in the way of having the time to post...

And some days I am so busy with all that life has handed me that I almost wish it would all stop...

At least for  a few days...

But life never gets in the way of remembering to thank God for the fact that I am living...

And still walking...

And that I have the privilege of watching my children grow and knowing they are healthy...

And watching my babes - that is what brings me joy...

Even if, and almost especially when, life is so busy that I do not have the extra time to post about it all!

Forward

In August 2011, the month before Rob died, I opened a new email account for the express purpose of using that email to start a blog about our family.  The intent was to start archiving (with photos and with words) our family's past; to chronicle our present; and to watch (through the blog) our future turn into our present and then into our past.  That was my intent.

Since both of my parents were living with us in the parsonage at that time (my dad had fallen and broken his pelvic bone and his arm and they were living with us while he recuperated), I did not have much free time to actually get the blog started.  Mama and Daddy moved back to their home during the last week of 

August 2011 just in time for a planned work / family trip to work out after all.  Rob had a conference in Myrtle Beach, SC.  And for the first time in forever, Crystol's schedule worked out for her to fly down and join us for the 4 day trip.  So Rob, Crystol, Anna, Wesley, Luke and I spent the last week of August getting a family photo made (which was always a fun adventure - ask Crystol) and then heading to the beach.  And in between conference sessions, Rob joined us for family time.  

And then he died 3 weeks later. 

And EVERY thing changed.

I came across a quote today that made me think about my intent for this blog way back when in August 2011.  And it made me think about what someone said to me recently.  Someone said to me (with the purest of heart and with good intentions) that I needed to spend less time thinking about my past and move forward into my future. 

First of all, I have been moving forward into my future since I was able (with God's strength) to take that first step out of the hospital ICU room while turning around to take one last look at my dead husband -  instead of falling onto the floor in a crumpled heap and screaming "no" at the top of my lungs.  

I was moving forward as I told my then 8 and 11 year old sons that their father was with Jesus and would not be coming home with us (my then 15 and 29 year old daughters were in the room when Rob died so they did not need to be told - they witnessed their loss).

I was moving forward as I packed up my husband's ministry and moved us out of the parsonage and into our retirement home.

I was moving forward as we settled into living in our new home, joining a new church, and starting a new life in a new town.

Instead of crawling into bed and staying there, I have been moving forward for 17 months.

And we are doing well.

And as the memories surface (mostly unbidden), I will honor them - as we make new ones.

And as my children talk about their dad, I will try to help them remember him - as we live without him.

And as we dream about our future - my children will know their foundations were built with love.

Many people have kept up with their times and scrapbooked the events of their lives as they happened.  I did not.  So I now have tried to use this blog to do some of that since finally starting to post last February 2012.  I am trying to archive things that the children will enjoy seeing in the future and write down some memories that will be special to them as time goes on.

The quote I came across today was a Helen Keller quote and I've always loved it but I haven't thought about it in a good while.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

  

So, as I write blog posts about my Rob and the things we did with the children, please remember that I am not looking too long at the closed door.  The stark reality of the closed door has lived in my heart for 17 months now.  And I really feel that, by God's grace,  I have stepped through the threshold of the open door to my future.  But I will still try to always be the window THROUGH that closed door for my children (and for me) to peer through when they need to remember.


After all, that was my original intent for this blog - way back in August 2011 -


To archive (with photos and with words) our family's past; 

To chronicle our present; 

And to watch (through the blog) our future turn into our present and then into our past.


That intent.  

It is one thing that has not changed. 

  

Days Gone By - Luke's 1st Beach Photos

These photos are from a time when Rob and I lived only 1 hour 45 minutes away from the beach.  It was a warm day.  We packed up the kids, beach bags, chairs, and snacks and went to the beach for a few hours.  It was Luke's first trip to that beach and I think his first trip to any beach.  Since the kids and I had made this trip many times (Rob usually had to work and could not go), Anna and Wesley were old pros by this time at knowing what to do at the beach.  It was summer 2003.

Daylight

I 

LOVE 

the fact that it is 5:30 p.m. 

and the daylight that is outside 

and falling into my view through my windows is still this bright.

As the days get longer each year, it always encourages me 

because it means

SPRING 

is surely on its way! 

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's been a busy day for us.  

The kids liked their Valentine's Day surprises.

And they got a surprise of their own.  They got a "special delivery."  

Last night, Anna decided to make a valentine for our mailman, Norman.  Luke decided to as well.  Anna made sure they were in the mailbox this morning hoping they would be a nice surprise for Norman.

  

Around 10 a.m., the doorbell rang.  It was Norman and his wife.  He had finished his route and they brought my children a return surprise and a thank you with a hug.  Such a nice start to the day!  

I cooked some food for a funeral at the church today.  I remember how much that meal meant to my family and me after Rob's funeral and I've made it a point to cook for all of the funerals since we've been here.  I drove Rob's car to the church and stopped at his grave.  

I did not stay for the funeral.  I didn't really know them and I had promised my children a Valentine's Day outing including going out to eat lunch.  But I sure have been praying a lot today for that widower.  He lost his 57 year old wife suddenly.  It's such an awful thing to have to go through.  I have been praying for strength for him because that's what I remember needing most on the funeral day.  And for him, it's even worse.  He buried his wife today on Valentine's Day and what would have been their wedding anniversary.  I will be praying for him and her children (all grown) tomorrow and in the coming weeks.  As I said, it's an awful thing to have to go through.

After I got back from the church, the kids and I headed out of town.  We went out to eat.  It was Wesley's turn to pick the restaurant.

We went shopping.  The boys just love waiting for their sister to try on clothes - ha, ha, ha.

I didn't get a photo of it but the boys got their turn to shop.  They got to go to the video game store.

Anna then had to head off to her dance and theatre classes and they boys and I came home.

All in all (except for the sadness of the funeral), it was a great day!

Hope yours was.