100

Today would have been my grandpa's birthday.

James William Caviness, Sr., if still living, would be 100 today.

For many years, our family gathered and celebrated my Grandpa Caviness' birthday.  It was our end of summer get-together.  Sarah would always bring her chocolate cake and homemade ice cream would be made.  We always had so much fun.

And today is the 10th birthday of his great-grandson - my nephew - James William Caviness, IV (Jay).

It is also his youngest sister's (Kaylee) 6th birthday.

We have a lot to celebrate.

So we did.

The invitation went out.

And the family that could make it came to my house last Saturday to commerate the day.

Raymond cooked the meats.  Sarah brought her chocolate cake.  Linda made the caramel cake that Grandma Caviness always made and Ed and Martha brought homemade ice cream.

We ate, played, celebrated birthdays, swam, made smores, made snow cones, and ate homemade ice cream.  We enjoyed being together as a family.

The 6 children who grew up in this house. 

James, Jr., Edward, Linda, Beth, Raymond, Sarah

(not pictured in that order) 

  

It was a great day!

Reverberations

We are 12 days shy of the 2 year mark of Rob's death.

It has been almost 2 years since my children's father became unconscious during the middle of the night in our then 8 year old son's bed.

Luke is 10 now.  

But even though it's been almost 2 years, the reverberations from that night still, at times, haunt my little boy.

I knew he had been hanging close to me all day today - even opting to lie down with me when I took a rare afternoon nap.

He stayed close to me as I did everything I did today and he even made sure I was just in the next room when he was playing on the computer.  

And tonight, just a little bit ago, his plight of the day finally came to light.  He had tried to bear it alone.  But as night drew closer, he could no longer stand not telling me and, with tears and sobbing that shook his whole body, he shared his heart.  And I tried so very hard to not cry in front of him.

2 years ago, we had a bit of an "Indian Summer."  Since I homeschool, we can choose when we start and end school - as long as we get 180 days in during our year.  In 2011, we had planned on starting school the week before Rob died but we didn't.  I looked at the weather and saw that it was going to be 90 degrees 4 out of the 5 school days and, after talking with Rob about it, I decided to have one last week of "free" summer fun. We spent that week going swimming at our neighbor's inground pool, having some other homeschool friends over to swim at our pool, and just spending some great time together as a family 

(and in hindsight, I see God's Hand all over that decision and His providence in place for that last week as a family). 

So, when we all went to bed on Sunday, September 18, 2011, it was with the plan to start school on Monday morning, September 19th.  

However, it was during the night of September 18th that Luke wanted his dad to lie down with him while he went to sleep and it was the early morning of September 19th that Luke could not get his dad to wake up, the ambulance was called, and Rob was taken to the emergency room.

It was after going to bed that night before we planned to start school the next day that our entire worlds changed.

The boys and I are supposed to start school tomorrow.  Anna started a couple of weeks ago.  I've been speaking to the boys about it on and off all day today - talking about weaning back in bedtimes for them (they've had a great summer of no bedtimes really) - talking about where we will start and just talking about all of the other information I usually discuss the day before.

I knew Luke was reacting with sadness but I just thought it was because he did not want to start back doing school.

I was so wrong.

He's not sad.

He's scared.

His exact words to me were, "I'm scared something is going to happen to you tonight after we go to bed because it was the night before when we were going to start school the next day that all that stuff happened to Daddy and he didn't wake up.  And I don't want anything to happen to you."  

After lots of discussion about the fact that it hasn't been long since I went to the doctor and everything was okay so we have every reason to believe that I will wake up tomorrow...

 And after more discussion that, even if the worst did happen (I no longer make promises to my children that life will be all rosy because sometimes it just isn't and they've had to learn that the hard way), God would take care of him just as God has taken care of him since Daddy died...  

And after even more discussion and listening to my heartbeat and looking in my eyes and listening to me breathe and reminding him that we already started school one time since Daddy died and I was okay and anything else I could think of to reassure my little boy that I plan on waking up in the morning, he seemed okay and went back to playing on the computer.

But his words are sticking to every part of my heart as I'm getting everybody headed to bed - 

this night before we start back to school.

Anna's Senior Fall Formal

My Anna - ready to leave for Fall Formal.

She sure is a beauty - inside and out!

17

All I ever really wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother.

Marrying Rob took care of both.  I became his wife and stepmother to his daughter.

But it was my firstborn, Anna, who made me a mama.

It was my pregnancy with her... 

...and her birth that awoke in me feelings of protectiveness and love and concern and love and fear and love and gratefulness and love and happiness and love and joy and love and every emotion in between.  

And all of those feelings have never gone back to sleep. 

If anything, they have intensified.

She was not breathing when she was born (due to a placental abruption).  We were so frightened when she arrived.  The doctor didn't even say, "It's a girl"  or anything.  They just went straight to work on her.  It took less than a minute for them to get her to make noise.  It was such a weak little whimper.  A sound I will never forget.  The best sound I had EVER heard!  Our baby was alive and making sounds! 

Hurricane Fran was going on outside of the hospital and Rob had to leave the hospital once to go do Charge Conference (still cannot believe that D.S. did not cancel that Charge Conference that was held during Hurricane Fran but he didn't) but other than that, we were cocooned in our little hospital room drinking in all that was Anna.

(Since Anna was 3 weeks early, the nurses kept encouraging us to give her as much skin to skin contact as possible to help regulate her body temperature so this is Rob helping with that)! 

It was with Anna that I learned that nursing my child, although not as easy as it looks, produced such a bond with her that I still remember those feelings to this day.  

It was with Anna that my dream was realized of FINALLY having my very own baby that I got to take home with me! 

It was with Anna that I learned what true contentment and fulfillment felt like for me.

She is 17 today.  She chose to eat Mexican food for her birthday lunch today with her brothers and me.

 (The kids were watching the digital birthday card Luke had made for Anna).

She is 17 today.  Still so hard to believe.  We've been through a lot together, this firstborn child of mine.

She is 17 today and she is a lovely young woman!

She is 17 today and is so very talented and has so much to offer this world!

She is 17 today and I know my time left with her in my home is limited.

But her time in my heart will never end.

Happy Birthday, my Anna!

I love you - always have and always will!

Memories - Old and New

Today is September 1, 2013.  The 20^th of this month will mark 2 years since my Rob died.  My children have lived fatherless and I have been widowed for 712 days now.   

The memories of and from my marriage to my Rob will never go away. 

They are as much a part of me as is my breathing. 

But more than not now, they make me smile and sometimes make me even break out into a full blown laugh as I remember. 

On some days, the memories pound on the walls of my world. 

On some days, the memories weave in and out of my life seamlessly as the day goes on.  

On some days, the memories present themselves in a more subtle fashion. 

But they’re always there – whether it’s in the way one of my children smiles at me or whether it’s coming across a note he wrote me as I’m continuing the process of going through everything. 

The difference, though, that I’ve noticed in the last little while is that now as the memories make their way into my day, thoughts of gratitude for the moments I have lived with my Rob and the family we had are what comes to mind most. 

This morning in church, we sang this song.

“Here I Am, Lord.”  A song that Rob and I basically adopted as one of the “theme songs” for our upcoming life of ministry.  It was sung at the first Annual Conference I attended with my Rob when he received his “License To Preach.”  Rob was “on loan” to the Western NC Conference while he was a student at Duke Divinity School so this Annual Conference was held at Lake Junaluska.  It was such a fun week for us.  I was finished teaching for the year.  We would be moving into the parsonage of Rob’s first church appointment soon after this conference.  Our dreams were being realized.  He was so happy.  And it was wonderful.  One of the lines in this song – “I will go, Lord, if You lead me.  I will hold Your people in my heart” was especially meaningful to us as we started our journey of ministry and all of the moves we knew it would involve.  Rob used this song often in his ministry and until the nodules on my vocal chords silenced my singing voice, we sang this song as a duet often with Rob playing his guitar for us. 

I’ve heard this song many times over the years in many settings.  And since Rob died, the tears have flowed freely and often as I’ve heard it.  But today, as I sang the words as well as I could and listening to the words when I could not get my singing voice to work, it was as if God was smiling with me as I remembered watching my Rob cross the stage to receive his “license to preach.”  And I didn’t cry.  I just smiled.  And I was grateful that we had what we had.  I am grateful that Rob and I “went where God led” and that we “held His people (at every appointment) in our hearts.”  And I am grateful that since Rob died, I have continued to “go where He has led me.”  And I still “hold all of His people in my heart.” 

Tonight, as I was trying to find something on television to play in the background as I worked on bills (fun night, huh?), I came across the movie; “We Are Marshall.”  And again, I just smiled.  

Rob and I started taking our kids to a place at the beach during the winter months.  It has an indoor water park and we couldn’t afford it in the summer so it became a winter tradition that I have continued to maintain.  We could only afford a couple of nights so we always tried to make the most of every minute the water parks were open.  As soon as we would arrive and get the luggage to the room, Rob would take all of the kids down to swim and I would always stay in the room and unpack.  And because I love having it in the background, I always turned on the television as I unpacked.  One year, a movie caught my attention because of the East Carolina connection and I watched it.  It was “We Are Marshall.”  Marshall’s football team died in a plane crash on their way home from playing ECU and the movie chronicles how the college dealt with the grief and rebuilt the football program.  

It was a great movie.  I watched it again tonight (still haven’t finished the bills) and just like this morning, I didn’t cry.  I just smiled at the memories it brought back of our winter get-aways and all of the fun we would have on those trips.  And I was and am grateful we had those moments as a family.

My children and I have made many new memories since Rob died.  And even though they miss him still, they are doing well.  Nothing can ever replace what we have all lost but I am grateful to God that happiness has found its way back into the lives of my babies.  And, even though I certainly still have my bad days, I am grateful I am not stuck in the quagmire of grief that overcomes so many.  I have been very intentional in my (and our) grief process to not let this happen. 

I will forever feel blessed that I married my Rob and made a family with him.  I will smile when I hear “Here I Am” and I will smile when I happen across a movie that reminds me of him.  But, as I enter into this month – the month that will mark 2 years - I am ready to make and add more new memories to the ones already cataloged in my mind.  And I look forward to having many more moments - old and new - that will make me smile.