Random Thoughts and Photos From Our Weekend

Sunday night - though b/c it's after midnight, I guess it's technically not...

A while ago, my youngest son - my Luke, came into the dining room and said to me:

"You know, Mom... I don't think I ever told you about the first dream I remember having after Dad died.  I dreamed that he was dead and here at the same time.  He just stayed in an extra, really dark room being all sick and dead all of the time.  He was here with us but not here with us at the same time."  

And then he proceeded to say - as a few small tears fell from his eyes, 

"But you know, Mom.  Most of the time now - 

I just forget that other people still have dads because I don't have one." 

And after I hugged him, told him I am sorry he doesn't have a dad anymore, and told him just how very much I love him and how, with God's help, I will always do everything within my power to make his life as complete as possible - he then went back to playing with his legos.

There's so much I do - every day - to try and make up for the fact that my children do not have a father.  But the truth is that there's just no filling up the gaping holes in my children's hearts and lives that were created by the loss of their dad.  All I can do is believe that God will help me to make them feel as secure as possible and that God will always help me to help them remember just how very much they were loved by their dad and God will help me show them daily just how very much they are loved by me.

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Just a little bit before the previous conversation, this is what Luke and I were doing...

And the fudge is just so delicious!

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Earlier today, the boys and I went somewhere together.  Wesley was sleepy and he took off his shoes and decided to try and sleep for the 30 minute trip.  I looked over and noticed which shoes he was wearing.

They were his dad's shoes.

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Yesterday when I was at the store getting my parents' medicine and both their and my groceries, I kept noticing this couple as I shopped.  We seemed to be going on the same aisles for a lot of the time - just in the opposite direction.  They were so cute together.  I'm happy for them.  And the thought crossed my mind that I will never have that with my Rob.  We will never be that couple in their much older years walking slowly doing their shopping together.  It was a poignant moment.

  

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Have I mentioned lately that my kids are great?

They are.

They really are.

My Luke is always designing and building - on the lego computer program and with the multitudes of legos that he has.

This is what he built just yesterday.  One of his projects yesterday was a ring.  

Can you notice the surprise differences in the photos of one of his projects?

And yes, he has on the same shirt yesterday and today.  My boys do this (and I admit I do too :)  He put on different clothes every time we went out this weekend but as soon as he was back in the house, the same shirt went back on until it got chocolate all over it tonight.

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As I was leaving our church tonight and was pulling out of the parking lot, I was facing the cemetery.  

And it hit me all over again.

I really did watch them place my husband's body in that grave.  His body really is in that land. 

Sometimes the "surrealness" of it all hits me anew.  

I decided to go to his grave for a moment and it hit me that the ground is not healed from being disturbed and that encouraged me.

If the ground - which has no thoughts, feeling, or emotions - is not yet healed from being disturbed, then it's no wonder I'm still working on being healed.  

So then I decided to take a look at my grandparents' and great-grandparents' graves to see about the state of their "ground."  Their deaths range from 1984 until 2009 and their graves are at 2 different cemeteries about 15 minutes away from each other.  

The grounds on all of their gravesites are leveled out and healed.  That encouraged me.  Because as much as I still miss every single one of them, I really can think about them without crying.  I can remember the good without remembering the bad.  

So I'll be watching the land on Rob's grave - to see how the rate of healing measures against mine. 

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And lastly, have I mentioned that I live in the country?

I do.

My front porch is a haven for spiders.

I can knock down all of the spider webs one day (like yesterday) and then by the very next day, 

this is what I find.

I've just started trying to find the beauty in how they spin the webs : )

And, as I was coming home from the second cemetery I visited this evening, I came to a stop sign.

This was my view to the left.

This was my view to the right.

Closer view - left.

Closer view - right.

Definite sign of living in the country.  A cow on each side of you at the stop sign.

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Hope you all had a great weekend! 

1 Year

Mason (my cousin) is 1 year old today.

I wrote about his birth last April. Click here to see that post.

It has been a fun year getting to know him and we look forward to many more!

April 26, 2012

April 26, 2013

Happy Birthday Mason!

13

My Wesley...

My son...

My boy...

...is 13 today.

Wesley is around 5' 8" now.

His feet just recently grew to a men's shoe size 10... the same size his dad wore.

So we pulled out his dad's shoes (which I had packed up to donate) for him to try on.

And his feet fit into most of his dad's shoes.

In many traditions, 13 is the age when a boy is considered a man.

But for my boy, he just naturally started stepping up to that position in so many ways when he was just 11 1/2...on the day his dad died.

In many traditions, 13 is the age when a boy is given much more responsibility.

But for my boy, he just naturally started shouldering it on his own.

And even though I've praised him for being "the man of the family," I've tried not to expect more of him than I would have before.

But for my boy, he just naturally started doing it.

Now I still have to remind him to take out the trash.

But that's okay - I had to remind his dad too!

In many traditions, 13 is an age to be celebrated.

And for my boy, that's exactly what I plan to do!

At Peace

I just got a phone call from my friend.

Her father, also my friend, died very peacefully over an hour ago.

I can only imagine his view now.

But ours is sad without him in it.

He is at peace.

But we must grieve.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

Psalm 46: 1

What Matters

I received a phone call this afternoon (Thursday) from a friend of mine.

She became a friend of mine when I was her preacher's wife.  And she was the parsonage committe chairman so I really got to know her well over the years.

She phoned me today to tell me that her daddy is dying.  And this woman, grown and married for over 20 years, told me that it gave her strength to know that my children know how she feels.  She's the second grown woman in the middle of a death of a parent who has told me that... that if they, as young children, can make it through it - so can she.

She also told me that something my late husband said a lot when he was her preacher has helped her through this very difficult time.  

I am good friends with her family too.

Her dad brought a cooler full of ice on the day Rob died and he kept refilling it every day for a week or so.

Her mother brought food and comfort.

Her father loves being a Ruritan.

Her mother loves snowmen.  When I looked for a Christmas gift for her, I tried to find snowmen items.

Her father loves to talk.

Details I know from getting to know them.  Details I know from being a part of their lives.

And them a part of mine.

That's what happens with friends.

I still remember the glistening tears in their eyes the first time I saw them after Rob's death.

I went to the Hospice Home tonight to see my friends.

And to wish him "farewell."

My friend who had called me was so happy that I came.

The visit with her dad was beautiful, peaceful, and even through the sound of his rattling lungs as he struggled to breathe, it was a visit full of grace.

And he still likes to talk.

He told me how good it was to see me.

He said he didn't want to go without seeing me - that he wanted to see all of his friends 

and I was one of them.

I told him that I was honored that he counted me as one of his friends he wanted to see before he left us.

He told me how much my late husband had meant to him and that Rob was "such a sweet man."

He told me that our family and our ministry meant a lot to him.

He told me he had thought about me and my children so much lately.

I told him Wesley will be 13 on Sunday.  He couldn't believe Wesley is that grown up.

We talked about how God will take care of his family and how sad he is to be leaving them.

He will be leaving behind a wife, a grown daughter and son-in-law, and a grown son.

We talked about death.  

We talked about what matters now - the love of God.  

I told him to tell Rob I said hello, that we miss him, and that we're doing okay.

And as we talked about Heaven, I told him I am a little jealous of him.  

He will get to be with Jesus soon and will get to see Rob and all of the other loved ones he knows who are already there.  He will be at peace.

It was tough to say goodbye knowing it might be the last time.  

He didn't want to let go of my hand - so I didn't let go either - and we talked a little longer.

I kept making him laugh with things I would say - which made it harder for him to breathe.

So I had to try to stop making him laugh - but it was good to see him smile.

And as I did say goodbye and that I love him, I told him I would try to get back to see him.

He grinned and said he would see me - either here or there.

I said, "That's right, I will see you one way or the other."

I watched his wife as I turned around and I saw in her eyes how tired she is - and how sad.

But I also saw strength.  And because I know her and because I know of her trust in God, I know she will survive.  And I know God will help her.

He had told them all (his sister, his wife, his daughter, and his son) that he wanted them to go home for the night so they were leaving.  None of them had eaten and they invited me to go with them to get some supper (it was almost 9 p.m.) and I went.  And even though it was in sad circumstances, it was good to be with them.  It was good to be there in their time of need and it was good to see them.

And on a personal note, it was good to be with church members who remember our ministry - people with whom I have a history - people who know me.  It was good to be with church members with whom I can reminisce about things my Rob said or did.  In fact, they were the ones who brought up his name first and because they miss him too- they reminisced right along with me instead of looking at me like they are tired of hearing it or that I really should be "over it" by now.

It was good to be with people to whom my presence mattered. 

Post Office

This is a personal message to a postal worker I know.

I just got home from the post office.

I had gone there to mail our (mine and Mama and Daddy's) tax returns.

And my friend was gone.  

I knew she was changing post offices soon but I didn't know it was this soon.  

The workers there said I missed her by a couple of hours.

So, since I know she reads this blog... 

(in fact, last week she told me she had missed my writing since I really haven't posted many blog entries lately - 

I have just been so busy with life and taxes and such!!!!!!) ...

...and since I know of no other way to get in touch with her 

(since I cannot remember her last name)...

...I thought I'd use a blog entry to say, "I'll miss you!"

: )

20 years - April 3, 1993

Twenty years ago today, I met my Rob.  

(Click here to see last year's post for more on the day I met him - April 3, 1993). 

During our life together, we had discussed this day many times.

It was to be the beginning of our year of celebration.

20 years since we met.

20 years since our first date.

20 years since our first kiss.

20 years since he asked me to marry him.

All leading up to our 20th wedding anniversary on January 1, 2014.

We had talked of taking a cruise for our 20th.

Instead, I am chartering waters without him.

And, without even meaning to, I am counting time backward instead of counting time forward.