Janna's View: 31 Years

31 years ago today.

Sweet memories.

Still miss him.

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For those who are new to my story

or are new widows or widowers, I am reposting what I wrote early on about what I did

the first time I crossed January 1st after Rob's death.

For me, it has always helped to read the stories of others

so maybe my story will help someone else.

If you make it the end of that, you will also see that I am posting links

to all that I have written on the anniversaries of our wedding.

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Written on Tuesday, January 1, 2013

January 1st

Today, January 1, 2013, would have been Rob’s and my 19^th wedding anniversary.

Instead, I am observing our wedding anniversary for the second time without him.

(January 1, 1994)

I did not make plans for today other than taking home some of Anna’s friends who spent the night with us last night. I knew that this year, by God’s grace, I did not need to be as intentional about how I spent the day as I did last year. I knew that today, by God’s grace, I would be okay.

And even though it is still so difficult to believe that my Rob is dead and I am his widow instead of his wife, I have been okay today.

However, last year was different. I had not lived it yet so I didn’t know how the day would be. But I knew that for me, I needed to be intentional about observing the first wedding anniversary without him. January 1^st, 2012 was a Sunday so I decided to worship that day at Ellerbe United Methodist Church where Rob and I were married in 1994. As a teenager, I spent a lot of time in that church while my dad was pastor there. I was the janitor there in high school. And I spent so much time at that altar. Although I only told 2 people ahead of time (in case I woke up and did not feel like going), I prearranged to have Ellerbe UMC to myself during the afternoon (while a high school friend kept my children at her house) so that I could be alone with my God and my memories during the wedding hour.

I knew there was nothing that was going to make that day better so I decided that spending the afternoon alone with God at the place where I gained what I now have lost would help me the most.

I knew there would be more crying than praying at the altar that day but I also knew God would understand the language of my tears...

…and that afternoon, as I watched the video of the wedding (something Rob and I always did on our anniversary)

and as I took pictures of my wedding veil and pictures of our wedding rings

and pictures of the video - catching moments that Rob and I grinned and smiled over each year as we watched -

and as I remembered our marriage and as I prayed…

…I knew that no translation of my suffering was needed…

…I could feel God holding me just as surely as I can feel the hugs from my children each day…

...and just as I wrote in the poem on our wedding program years ago...

"There's a power through Him that takes me through every day"

I felt His power push me on...

...and as I wrote years ago and felt on January 1, 1994 and January 1, 2012...

"No love is greater"

…and I knew, yet again, that I would be okay…

…that God’s grace would be sufficient for that day…

…AND for the rest of my life.

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For those who are new to my blog or are new widows or widowers or for those who just want to revisit them, I am posting links to all of my other wedding anniversary posts.

2013
https://jannasview.blogspot.com/2013/01/january-1st.html

2014
https://jannasview.blogspot.com/2014/01/20-years.html

2015
https://jannasview.blogspot.com/2015/01/21-years.html

2016

https://jannasview.blogspot.com/2016/01/22-years.html

2017

https://jannasview.blogspot.com/2017/01/wedding-anniversary.html

2018

https://jannasview.blogspot.com/2018/01/24.html

2019

https://jannasview.blogspot.com/2019/01/silver-wedding-anniversary.html

2020