Janna's View: Silver Wedding Anniversary

Today is the 25^th anniversary of my wedding…

but it is not my 25^th wedding anniversary.

Because Rob died 3 months before our 18^th wedding anniversary,

I only got to have 17 wedding anniversaries with him.

Today would have been 25 years.

Our Silver Anniversary.

Rob was 34 when we married so he joked

that he might not live to age 84 to celebrate

our Golden Anniversary of 50 years in the year 2044

but that he would do his best to make it age 59

so we could celebrate our Silver Anniversary in the year 2019.

He kept his word by doing his best.

He just didn’t make it.

Someone asked me not too long ago if,

knowing all that I know now

and

having lived through all I’ve lived through,

would I do it all over again

would I change things…

Well,

I’m sure we all have things we would change

and I am no different.

Sometimes I cringe when I see and hear couples fighting over stuff

that I know now really doesn’t matter and I want to get across to them

to not take one moment for granted and to PLEASE stop sweating the small stuff

and love each other for every moment you can. There are times when I want to say, “Would you really be mad over that or would you figure out a way to compromise if you knew he or she was going to die and you would never see your person again?”

And there are times when certain memories of

things and times pop up in my mind like a Facebook memory pops up on my timeline

–unbidden but there nonetheless -

and I might wish that I could change those things about my marriage to Rob – just things we did or didn’t do that I would now approach differently

with an entirely new perspective.

But marrying Rob…

…there is not a second’s hesitation

that I “certainly would”

marry him

all over again

even knowing

it would end

as it ended.

So very many blessings came from marrying my Rob.

For a time, I was given the opportunity to love the best I’ve ever loved.

For a time, I was given the opportunity to feel loved the best I’ve ever been loved.

For a time, I was given the opportunity to be involved in a ministry team and learn how to love all – from the easily loved to the sometimes unloveables that come with ministry – and to have hopefully made a difference in our church folks’ lives.

For a time, I was given the opportunity to move all over our state and learn and serve in many churches and communities that will always be a part of my heart.

I was given the opportunity to be a part of Rob’s family that all became part of my family and they will all forever be a part of my heart.

And, from the very first moment I married my Rob and until the day I breathe my last breath, I will never stop being thankful that my marriage to Rob gave me the opportunity to mother (stepmother to 1 – give birth to 3) the 4 people who will FOREVER be the most important humans to ever be in my world.

Crystol Erin

Anna Elizabeth

Wesley Robert

and

Luke Edward

So, YES, a resounding YES!

I would marry him all over again

even if I knew I would have to watch him die all over again.

Simply put,

was

well

worth

it.

So how does one celebrate a wedding anniversary

that technically doesn’t even exist?

In many ways,

the same as everyone else

who remembers their wedding day.

It is 1:12 p.m. as I write this sentence

and I am remembering that, 25 years ago right now,

I was finished getting dressed for my 2 p.m. wedding.

I was sitting on a tall stool so as not to wrinkle

my wedding dress train but to give my back

as much rest as possible before I would be standing up

for the next few hours.

I was already mothering as I was talking

with our 11 year old Crystol.

She was so sad that she could not go with us

on our honeymoon to Disneyworld.

(For the record, we would have taken her with us

if she had not had to go back to school).

I remember peeking out of the window and out of the room

and looking at all of the folks who had come

to be a part of the best day of my life so far.

I remember my daddy,

dressed in his pastor robe with his white stole,

coming in to check on me.

He whispered a prayer in my ear.

I so wish I could remember what he prayed.

I remember my mama

when she came in to see me in my dress

and seeing her smile.

I remember, as the time got closer,

that I could not believe that

I was ACTUALLY getting married!

And I remember, as the music

(O For A Thousand Tongues To Sing)

started for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to enter,

I was ecstatic that OUR time had arrived.

And then it was just my daddy and me.

Daddy smiled at me and I smiled back as we stood there

waiting for Dot (our wedding director) to give us the signal

for our walk down the aisle that would change my life forever.

So, remembering a wedding day for those of us

who have lost a spouse is much the same as everyone else.

Full of great memories!

But, in so many ways, it just is not.

For instance, when I think of taking my daddy’s arm on that January day in 1994 and walking down that wedding aisle to my waiting groom at the altar, it almost instantly reminds me of that September day in 2011 when my daddy stood in his pastor’s robe at the front of the church and I focused on his white stole as I walked alone with our 4 children walking behind me down that funeral aisle to sit right in front of

my groom’s casket at the altar.

Two walks down the aisle.

Both forever changing my life.

So today,

as I remember that oh so happy day 25 years ago,

and I reflect for a bit on the fact that it would be our Silver Anniversary,

I can still see the “silver lining” of it all

and I have been and I am so very blessed!

It’s just, for me, the silver is tarnished by the ashes of death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, to be blunt for a moment.

Before I get emails or messages about how I’m living in the past

and that I need to forget the former things if I ever want a future

and other things folks really don’t think through before they say it, I would like to say I am just remembering the first best day of my life when I married my Rob with the next best days of my life being when our children were born. Our wedding day was a happy day and deserves remembering! And I’m a writer so that’s how it gets remembered. And there are folks who are really new to this widow/widower thing and I’ve been told that my writing has helped them process their own circumstances and helps them to know they are normal for thinking and remembering all of the things that come with this world of grief we are thrown into when our spouses die. None of us asked for this. My mourning ended long ago, years ago to be exact, but I know, for me and most everyone I know (even happily remarried folks), the grief part never ends. I find it really interesting that folks post things all the time about remembering their mothers, fathers, children, and siblings. No one ever seems to say to them that they are “living in the past.” In fact, for the most part, folks seem to say things like, “Oh, how sweet” and “You have such a good memory” and “Such great memories!” But, if a surviving spouse posts something about the deceased spouse, folks are so quick to say we are living in the past when we are simply remembering. If I can give any advice on how to talk to a surviving spouse, please don’t tell us we are living in the past when we are simply remembering the same things most folks do. So, if I can help myself by writing and help others by writing, I will continue to do so.

For those who have wondered,

I have dated since Rob died.

I’ve had first dates with 5 men,

2 or more dates with 2 men,

and I fell in love with one man

who I dated for 6 months

before I got my heart broken.

I survived,

I healed,

and went on some more dates after that

but I have yet to find

my “next” love.

For those who have asked,

I don’t know if God will send me another husband or not.

I always thought He would.

I never thought I would not remarry.

But I recognize that I’m a strange one

with lots of circumstances

that widely narrow the dating pool.

I have 4 children and a son-in-law

and a mother to care for.

I’m still homeschooling one of my kids.

I come with a big life

that not many men are willing to take on.

I’ve been told I’m boring

and that I don’t know how to have fun in life

and I’ve been told that I’m too much

and I don’t know how to be still.

And I’ve also been told that I’m too good

and there’s no way he could ever meet my standards

(even though my standards were never discussed –

that person just broke the 2^nd date after reading my blog).

One man decided not to even go on a first date

after finding out I had been married to a preacher.

He just couldn’t “stomach” dating a preacher’s wife

(that one really made me laugh).

But I don’t drink.

I don’t curse.

And I’m 6 feet tall.

God comes first in my life

and I expect Him to come first in my man’s life.

Andy Griffith is my favorite TV show and

I really do listen to mainly K-Love and The Message.

I like simple living and I don’t require fancy things.

But I do require unfailing commitment to God and loyalty

and I will not settle for less than.

Simply put, I would certainly rather be alone

than wish I was.

And now, I will get back to my current life as I sit at the same table as my children and cousins decorating ugly sweater cookies and ornament cookies. Life is good.

I hope you all have a happy new year and a great 2019!

A Time for Everything

(Ecclesiastes 3)

3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

One last thing,

just so I will have them all in one place for those who want to read them all,

I will post the links to all of my anniversary blogs below.

2013

http://jannasview.blogspot.com/2013/01/january-1st.html

2014

http://jannasview.blogspot.com/2014/01/20-years.html

2015

http://jannasview.blogspot.com/2015/01/21-years.html

2016

http://jannasview.blogspot.com/2016/01/22-years.html

2017