Janna's View: The 19th, The 20th, And Memorial Day

Today is the 20^th.

That means it’s a marked day.

For my Rob died on a 20^th.

September 20, 2011.

Today, it has been 3 years and 8 months exactly.

Time, simultaneously, moves on so quickly and so slowly.

Thank God that I’m not still in the place where the 20^this weighing heavily on my mind

but I still always think of it.

And since today is the 20^th, then that means that yesterday was the 19^th.

And that means that yesterday was really the day of agony in Rob’s dying

– the 19^th of Sept. 2011 was the day my Rob lay dying in a hospital bed.

(Here's a link to what I have written about the “THE 19^th” before)

It so happens that I was in the area of that hospital yesterday.

It wasn’t planned that way.

In fact, when the plans to be in the area were made, it did not even occur to me that it would be the 19^th, even though the event was written on my calendar on the 19^th.

I am not mourning my Rob any more.

THANK GOD, I have moved past that stage.

But my opinion is that actual grief lasts forever

and its place in our lives just changes form

as we move about in our lives.

For me,

on this pathway that I never chose to walk,

the fact that I could make plans for the 19^th and not once,

ahead of time,

even think about the fact that it was “THE 19^th”

is a very good thing.

But yesterday, on the 19^th, as I rode past the hospital where I spent my Rob’s last 23½

hours of life, it hit me like a bolt of lightening that it was “THE 19^th.”

I don’t think I outwardly reacted.

I know I took a deep breath and said to the person I was with,

“That’s the hospital where I walked

in as a wife

and out as a widow.”

It was surreal that I was in that space on “THE 19^th”

but I kept to myself all of the other memories

that flashed through my mind.

And I silently marveled at the fact that,

even though it made me take a deep breath

and horrible memories of the struggle did parade through my mind

and it was very, very sad,

it was not intensely painful.

And that was good.

Today, I had to be at my mom’s rehab center/nursing home for a meeting with the staff.

Since I was just going to be there for a short period of time, I did not take my dad but my Luke said he wanted to see his Maw Maw so he went with me.

This coming Sunday is Memorial Day at our church and I had bought flowers for my Rob’s grave and they were in the van so, as we were leaving, I told my Luke to help me remember to stop at the cemetery on the way home.

All went well at the meeting for my mom and as soon as

Luke and I were back in the van, Luke said,

“Don’t forget Dad.”

That made me smile.

My reply was,

“Thanks for reminding me

but just so you know,

I might forget to stop and put the flowers on his grave

but I will NEVER forget your dad.”

And as we stopped and placed the flowers on his grave

(Duke blue and white flowers and ribbon, of course)

I silently gave thanks for my Rob,

for all I gained from having him in my life,

for the children he fathered,

for all of the churches he pastored and his parishioners,

for the life he gave me,

and

I gave thanks for the fact that I am not in the beginning any more

when I was praying just to make it through another day.

And I said a prayer for those who still are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I mentioned Memorial Day to someone this past week and where she lives and goes to church, this does not happen. She wanted to know what it was all about so I’m going to repost my blog post about the first Memorial Day after Rob’s death.

It was written on May 27, 2012.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

"Where My Husband Is Buried"

My heart still hurts every time I speak those words.

Today was Memorial Day "where my husband is buried."

I bought Duke blue flowers for his grave.

My parents and I bought flowers in memory of Rob for the chancel table inside the church.

The church was packed. Every seat was taken and there were people in overflow areas by the time the service started.

The service was great - I really needed to hear the sermon that was preached and the music was inspirational.

Each glance to my right, however, brought a view of the vase of carnations.

These carnations are given one by one to the families of those who have died since the last Memorial Day. They are to be placed on the graves.

And tears fell each time I caught that view because I knew I would be getting one this year.

The service concludes with each family (and I had lots of family there) going to stand at their loved ones' graves while the benediction is given and while the song "Precious Memories" is sung acapella. It's always been such a special moment as we've stood at my great-grandparents' and then my grandparents' graves.

It was even more so this year as I did the unimaginable task of standing at my husband's grave.

The service is followed by lunch with the most delicious homemade lemonade.

And when we were driving away, it started raining. Just a small shower that only lasted a few minutes. But it was enough to make me smile and think of how it rains on all of Rob's and my important days.