Janna's View: Alan

To my Alan,

The day was Friday, September 23^rd, 2011.

The funeral for Crystol’s father, my Rob, was over.

We were all gathered in the Family Life Center sharing a meal and time together.

I walked back to the church to get all of the leftover programs from the service.

On my way back to the Family Life Center, I saw the 3 of you:

Crystol’s mother, Sharon; Crystol’s stepfather, Jack; and you.

The 3 of you were standing right outside one of the doors to the Family Life Center.

And you were, by the looks on all of your faces, involved in a serious discussion.

And then it just hit me like a bolt of lightening and I knew.

I just knew.

I somehow, without being told, just knew that you were asking for Crystol’s hand in marriage.

I turned around and walked back into the church…

the church where my husband’s funeral had just taken place…

and faced, so very alone, the very first monumental life event in my so very new “after.”

It would be the first of many, many times that I would utter aloud to a no longer alive Rob, “You should be here for this time in your child’s life.”

After regaining my composure, I walked back to the Family Life Center, making certain to use a different door so as not to interfere in what I knew was happening and I wondered if I would find out soon if I had been right or not.

I didn’t have much time to focus on my wonderings though because, on top of the fact that I had just buried my husband, my youngest son (who always seemed to get sick at the same time as his father) was having a very hard time breathing. His wheezing was so loud that we could hear it from across the very large room. I had a nebulizer in the car but I knew he needed antibiotics too. After all, his dad had just died and we did not know what caused Rob to become unconscious and I definitely wanted to make sure Luke didn’t have any reason to end up with the same thing. So I was busy arranging who would take the rest of my children home from their father’s funeral so I could get Luke to the doctor. (He ended up having bronchitis and was given a double breathing treatment and antibiotics and he was fine after a couple of days).

After taking Luke to the doctor and the pharmacy; stopping by the funeral home to pick up something they had for me; and stopping by my parents’ house, I finally arrived back at the parsonage where we lived then.

You met me in the garage.

Luke, feeling much better by this time, went on into the house to be with his cousins.

You seemed a little nervous.

And I knew.

I knew you were going to ask me too.

And you did.

I asked you all of the questions I knew her dad would have asked

and then a few he probably wouldn’t have thought of.

And again, as I stood in that parsonage garage on the passenger side of the van with you helping me to gather up the things I had taken to my Rob’s funeral and some of the flowers I had brought home from my husband’s grave, I thought to myself, “Rob, you should be here for this time in your child’s life.”