Comfort - God's Perfect Timing

Thank you for all of your responses and concern (by email and comments).  I've tried to be real on this blog and the last post is real.  I still feel that way.  I still want to wake up from this nightmare.  I STILL WANT HIM BACK!  But some days are worse than others.  And some days are better than others.  And moving and packing is bringing it all to the forefront of my mind and into my actual physical space. 

The absence of his presence is EVERYWHERE!

I found a bag of what he called his "fat clothes" that he had meant to donate to the yard sale last August but I guess this one bag didn't make it there.  It was in the outbuilding.  I actually am glad he never got it there though b/c the bag of clothes will provide more material for the 5 quilts I'm going to have made from his clothes (1 for me and 1 for each child).  But unexpectedly finding that bag (I thought I had finished his clothes) and seeing those clothes that he wore so much made me melt down into a puddle of mush.  It is all just so incredibly hard!  I covet your continued prayers!

But the reason I haven't blogged in almost a week is just b/c I've been so busy - not b/c I'm hiding under the covers somewhere (although hiding under the covers sounds delightful and I wish I had time to do it! : ) 

So I posted the last post on a Tuesday and it was 11:31 p.m. when I clicked on the publish button.  Some of my last words in that post were that God always provides JUST the right comfort for me soon after I've had a time of being really sad.  I even said that it has ALWAYS happened - WITHOUT FAIL.  Last Tuesday was no exception. 

Anna has been having lots of practices for her upcoming concert (her Chorus concert was yesterday), dance recital, and her play.  They've been going really late - especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Last week, we did not leave her practice until 9:20.  We live 20-25 minutes away and so my children are always up late on those nights.  I decided to write that post while they were all having a late snack at around 10:30 p.m. (we'd had a VERY early supper b/c we had to leave at 4:30 to get to Wesley's Tae Kwon Do class).  That's the way it's been going lately.  I feel like I live in the car.  I'm either driving one or two or all of the kids somewhere or I'm taking a load of stuff to my storage barn at my other house or I'm taking someone to the doctor or another person to the doctor to get a tick's head removed (the doctor had a REALLY hard time getting it out too so I didn't feel so bad that I just COULD NOT get that head out) and so on and so forth.

ANYWAY, I hit publish at exactly 11:31 p.m.  At exactly 11:33 p.m., Wesley and Luke came in my room when I was still powering down the computer and they were both laughing hysterically.  Laughter really is most of the time contagious.  Turns out that while they were eating, they had somehow gotten on the subject of nursery rhymes and lullabies and how ridiculous and violent they are and they had been singing lots of them - making themselves laugh harder and harder with each one they sang. 

But the one that brought them to my room and got me laughing so hard was one that my mother sang to me when I was little.  They came in to ask me if I knew what it meant and they performed a hilarious rendition of it while asking.  Funny how God uses my kids so many times! 

I do actually remember my mother singing it to me and we also have an audio tape of it as well.  For some reason, my mother called me "Monkey Button" when I was very young and even occasionally throughout my life.  She told me once that b/c the word monkey was in this jump rope rhyme that it stuck with her and that's why she sang it.  But I always asked her if she really wanted to get rid of me:)  

The rhyme / song contains these words:

Had a little monkey

Sent him to the country

Fed him on ginger bread

Along came a choo - choo

Knocked him coo coo

Now my monkey's dead

So my boys are singing this over and over to me - all the while they are laughing uncontrollably - asking if my mom wanted to "send me to the country" - and before I knew it, I was chasing them both and tickling them and singing the song to them.

I guess you really had to be there.  And I didn't take any pictures.

But if you CAN picture it -

you're looking at a view of God's perfect timing

for providing just the perfect comfort

that is custom tailored for me at just the moment

that I needed it!  

Isn't God awesome?

Time

This grief walk is hard. 

I can be perfectly fine one moment.

And then NOT the next.

Sometimes something reminds me.  

Sometimes it's just nothing.

But I never forget. 

I wonder if I ever will NOT think of it.

I really am functioning just fine and my children are okay.

I am not depressed so please don't ask me that again.

I am just very sad. 

My husband died.

At the young age of 52.

Unexpectedly.

With our youngest child only being 8 at the time.

I'm still learning to live without him.

And I'm moving - without him.

I'm leaving the last house we shared.

I'm packing his things.

I'm listening to his children miss him.

We're planning Crystol's wedding and he is not the preacher for the ceremony.

This is just so hard and there's just no sugarcoating that fact.

It is hard.

I miss him.

I want him back.

I want to wake up from this nightmare.

I want my children's father back.

I'm tired of being a widow.

I'm tired of being a single mom.

I'm just tired.

It has been 7 months 10 days...

...32 weeks...

...224 days...

...since Rob died.

Not a single one of those days has gone by without my tears.

And not a single tear has fallen that I haven't known that my God has seen, noticed, and soon after provided just the comfort that I needed - without fail!

But it is still SO VERY HARD! 



Distance - Known and Felt

As I've been packing, I've come across some notes I took of things I wanted to remember were said after Rob's September 2011 death.

This is one that I still know and feel daily.

Conversation with Luke on November 13, 2011

Luke to me: "We are farther away from Daddy today than we were yesterday...

...and tomorrow we'll be farther away than we are today."



Me to Luke: "What made you think about that right now?"

Luke to me: "Pretty much everything makes me think about it - walking, talking, breathing, just everything makes me think about Dad."

Out Of Our Touch - Out Of Our Reach

As I've been packing, I've come across some notes I took of things I wanted to remember that were said after Rob's September 2011 death. 

This was from sometime in September 2011.

Luke to me:  "I hate it that Dad died and I hate it that we cannot talk to him."

Me to Luke: "I know, son, I know."  

Box Hunting Season

For Methodist preachers and their spouses (and in my case,

a Methodist preacher's widow) moving this June - this time

of the year is called "Box Hunting Season." 

For me, box hunting season has really been in full swing since November

when I first started doing this.

I'll be glad when box hunting season is over.

I know I said it once before on this blog somewhere but I will say it again.

I hate the moving process. 

It is so hard - especially this time. 

But I am thankful to my God that I've been able to do what's needed to be done so far 

and I trust and pray that God will grant me the strength and the endurance to continue!

Mason Troy Quick

Look who we met today.  A new cousin. 

Mason Troy Quick

April 26, 2012

6:12 a.m.

7 lbs 7 oz.

20"

Before today, there were 3.

(Troy, Wendy, & Leah in 2009)

And now, as of April 26, 2012, there are 4.

Troy, Wendy, Leah, & Mason

Second time parents.  Same awe as the first time. 

Troy, Wendy, & Mason 

Delighted Big Sister.  I was told that she squealed with delight when she first saw him but she was too busy playing with my children to pose much with her little brother when I was there.

Happy Grandma Sherrie

Leah and Mason look a lot alike in their "birth" day pictures.

              

     Leah 8-27-2009 

                                                                    Mason 4-26-2012

 

Leah 8-27-2009

Mason 4-26-2012

Leah - 14 days old 9-11-2009 

Mason 4-26-2012 

It was a great day to meet a new family member.  And we were all thankful that Mason was born with absolutely NO complications and he and his mom are both doing GREAT!

His big sister, Leah, was born prematurely in August 2009.  It was a scary day.  She ended up being transported to a specialty Children's Hospital.

Troy, Wendy, & Leah 8-27-2009

You've come a long way, Leah! 4-26-2012

2 healthy children!  For that, we are all happy and thankful!

What a glorious day celebrating new life! 

Thank you for your prayers!

Easter - with family

Easter - April 8, 2012 - with family at my house -

the house where I was supposed to move to with my husband when he retired - but instead our children and I will be moving to because of the death of my husband and their father - 

the house where my mom's family and we have celebrated a total of 6 Easter Sundays together starting in 2006 - I always drove from wherever our parsonage was at the time because Rob was always sleepy from getting up to do the Sunrise Service (okay - who are we kidding - I always drove anyway because Rob was ALWAYS sleepy no matter when he got up :)  

2012 made the 7th Easter Sunday celebration at that house -

it was the first one since Rob's death.

but as the day progressed and memories persisted, I kept thinking that for Rob, this was his first Resurrection Sunday with our Jesus

those thoughts made it so much more of a glorious Sunday in my mind that matched what was a glorious day it was outside

it was a beautiful day and I walked around my property that day as I was preparing for and watching all of the activities and thanked God again for His sovereignty and His provision

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

we gathered and we ate

my aunt wore the necklace she wore in my wedding.  it matched mine exactly except each bridesmaid had a pendant to hook onto hers that matched the color of her dress.  It reminded me of my "Precious Pearls" post from March (i need to learn how to link them) 

we celebrated my Wesley's April 21st birthday a little early (cannot believe he will be 12 tomorrow)

My son is so, so very handsome! 

we dyed Easter eggs

we had an Easter egg hunt and someone found a lizard while turning over things to hunt for eggs (i was very happy it wasn't a snake!)

the boys spent a lot of time playing with beyblades spinners (or whatever they're called)

cousins - born 3 months apart - Heidi (who shares a Dec. 2nd birthday with my Luke) is 3 months older than I am - we've always been close and I always wanted to live closer to her while growing up 

(notice we are both holding our Mt. Dews)

cousins - next generation - born 3 months apart - Casey is 3 months older than Anna - they've always been close and now they will live close to each other for the last of their growing up 

brothers - born almost 19 years apart - both are very important in my life - Bryan is deaf and his high school sign language interpreter was my roommate back in the day and Bryan spent SO much time at my house "studying."  My sign language got so strong during those years.  I missed Bryan so much when he graduated and went off to college.  Caleb was born when I was almost 22 and I only lived 1 mile from him - I've always called him my first son - he even had his own room at my house - he was the ring bearer in my wedding.  When he was 9, I moved with my preacher husband 4 hours away from him.  It felt like I lost a son and Anna thought she lost a brother - watching him standing in the road waving good-bye to us is a memory that will always be etched into my memory. 

(additional fact - Bryan shares a birthday with Wesley - his birthday is tomorrow too!)

 and, as life tends to do, our family continues to grow.  my cousin, Wendy (who is already a mother to Leah) will give birth - any day now - to her son.  We pray for a safe delivery for mom and for a healthy son to join this world and our family!

That was our Easter Day (make sure you read all 5 Easter posts for the complete day - yes, it took 5 posts to get it all in!).  I missed my Rob on Easter.  But I will tell you that not ever has a Resurrection Sunday had more meaning to me than it did this year.  Even though I've had grandparents and great friends enter Heaven, knowing Rob is in Heaven is the closest I've ever felt to "being there" - like a part of me - the part that was Rob's is already there.  It's almost as if I'm now

"only 1 degree of separation from there." 

The forgiveness of all of our sins (if we ask) by Jesus' blood

and the hope of the Resurrection are both so real -

I've always known that - for as far back as I can remember

 - but now I FEEL it in a way that I never have before! 

(2010)

He is Risen!  Indeed!