60

Dear Rob,

You would be 60 years old today.

It’s amazing to me how fast it got here.

The first of your birthdays that I had with you

was when you were turning 35.

(January 18, 1994)

60 seemed so far away then.

25 more birthdays away.

But it is here.

And you are not.

But it is still a day to celebrate you being born!

For that, I will always be grateful!

I don’t get to see you today

but oh how I see you in every day.

I see you…

…in knowing that Crystol is playing her guitar and listening to James Taylor and knowing how much the memories you and she made still sustain her and are such an integral part of her life to this day.

I see you...

…in how that certain facial expression of Anna’s is like watching you give me that look too and how her life is now about reaching out to make sure others know that accepting the salvation Jesus freely offers is the first step to peace. And, just as with Crystol, knowing how much the memories you and she made still sustain her and are such an integral part of her life to this day.

I see you...

…in how Wesley talks about being your little intern and being at the church with you and going visiting shut-ins with you, and your conversations with him.  In hearing him play his guitar (which was your guitar), and helping him map out his college classes to his ultimate goal of being a minister reminds me of all the planning we did together on your pathway to ministry. The conversations I have with this boy of ours remind me of our early days discussing all kinds of theological issues and the purpose of ministry and our dreams for the future. And just like with his sisters, I see you in knowing how much the memories you and he made still sustain him 

and are such an integral part of his life to this day.

I see you...

…in how almost every single one of Luke’s facial expressions, looks, side glances, and movements are like seeing a reflection of you walking around.  And, as he has gotten older, hearing him laugh is like hearing you laugh again. And hearing him sing is like listening to you sing again, only better (sorry – his voice quality is better than yours was and I’m sure you would be agreeing with me!).  It’s so interesting to me that Luke is uniquely his own person and I see him as Luke yet simultaneously, it’s like seeing you. Wesley says it’s like growing up with his dad. Although it doesn’t work this way for me, Wesley once said it helped him not miss you as much because it’s like having you around. Wonder if God planned it that way for Wesley.  Wonder if God planned it that way for Luke.  Because he is the one who remembers the least. He was just so young when you died. He struggles to remember you. He definitely has memories and, when prompted, he remembers more so I’ve prompted much over the years hoping to reinforce those memories so they become part of him and thankfully, we have lots of photos.  But this child of yours seeks you out in so many ways – not the least of which is that he wears your shirts, suits, ties, jackets, overcoat, and even socks not just because they fit him now, but also because he wants that connection to you. So, I have to wonder if God planned all of these innate likenesses to you as a way for him 

to have a part of you he never got to see.

So I see you all around me

through your children

and through things we did together

and dreams of ours that have come to pass

and in dreams of ours that have not yet happened

that are now just mine.

And, for all of that, I am grateful.

I am blessed to have known you,

Robert Edward Shelton.

I am so glad our lives intertwined

and, as I said on what would have been

our 25^th wedding anniversary,

even with the loss,

it was all well worth it!

Just like every year, I want to say:

Thank you, Rob, for loving me for as long as you could.

Thank you, Rob, for giving me our children

for they are the joy of my life.

And we will always miss you.

Love,

Your Janna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This year, I also want to add a few more words to you, anyone who is reading this.

Rob was far from perfect and he made many mistakes in life but the Rob I knew made such a difference in the lives of his children that it has lasted past his death.  It is agonizing to watch them mourn and grieve and miss their dad.  But I also get to watch how Rob’s investment in his children has unfolded and flourished as they’ve grown – even though he’s not here with them. 

They are his legacy.

I will never know all the answers to life but I do know this about death. When we die, we no longer get to live on this earth.  And all that remains of us on this earth is how we have or have not made a difference in the lives of others. After we die, we do not control our legacies. In fact, we don’t even have a say in the conversation at all.

All of our words are spoken when we are living.

All of our actions take place before we are in the casket.

All of our love is spent while our hearts are still beating.

So speak wisely.

Live intentionally.

Love dearly.

Do something to make a difference in someone’s life

or in lots of someones’ lives.

For 

THAT 

is truly living.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And, as always, I will repost all of the birthday posts so all of the photos are in one place!

2018

Thursday, January 18, 2018

59

(January 18, 1994)

January 18, 2018

Dear My Rob,

Today would have been your 59^th birthday.

We would have celebrated and I would have started talking about how

you would only be 1 year away from the big 60!

We probably would have noted that you would be turning 59 and you were born in the 

year ’59 (1959) and that your birthday this year is the 18^th in the year ’18 (2018).

Just as we had the year when Wesley was born, we would be talking about this being 

the year that we would have 2 graduations –

Wesley from high school and Anna from college.

Simply put, we would be living life together.

But it didn’t work out that way.

For the 7^th time, we are crossing your birthday without you.

And, as I always did on your birthday when you were living

and as I have since your death,

I will spend some time being thankful

that you were born!

Your children and I are living our lives but we will never stop remembering you.

In fact, all I really have to do these days is glance in the direction of our youngest son to be reminded of you.  Although I see you in all of your children, Luke is looking the most like you overall and the older he gets, the more he looks like you!  

He reminds me of you in so many ways – big and small.  

For instance, it takes him forever to decide what he wants at a restaurant – 

and then when the server arrives, he might even change his mind –

JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DID! 

As frustrating as that can be at times, it always makes me smile...

Just like every year on your birthday, I want say a few basic things.

Thank you, Rob, for loving me for as long as you could.

Thank you, Rob, for giving me our children

for they are the joy of my life.

And we all still miss you.

Love,

Your Janna

****************************************************************

2017

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

58

Dear my Rob,

You would be 58 years old today.

Other than the facts that:
I spent the morning at the doctor;

I have bronchitis and am coughing like crazy
(guess I caught it from my dad - he's been so sick);

and that my fever is 100.2 as I type this,

it's been a great day

of celebrating you.

The boys and I picked up Anna at her college 

and went out to eat a late lunch.

(I wish we could have driven to Crystol's state and picked her up too).

As we live in our present,

we are ever thankful for the years we had with you.

We wish it could have been more

but since that wasn't to be,

on this,

your birthday,

the 18th of January,

we celebrate the years we were given with you.

We didn't spend a lot of time talking about you today.

We just enjoyed being together on your day.

But you sure would have loved the conversation that was taking place

between your children.

They are such good kids, Rob.

I couldn't ask for any better.

As always, thank you for giving me our children...
...all 4 of them.

Thank you for our family.

As I've done from the beginning,

I found a stranger to give a birthday present to in memory of your birthday.

A $20 bill.

Given to someone who has nothing to do with me personally.

Sometimes I leave a note.

Sometimes I tell the person that it's in memory of my late husband's birthday.

Sometimes I just leave it without any explanation other than,

"This is for you."

Last year, I gave it to a cashier.

This year, I gave it to our waitress at lunch.

She seemed like she needed a boost.

I left a note.

All in all,
it's been a good day...
...even as we missed you.

And, as I was typing this,
our Luke came and showed me the birthday card he made you.
I didn't even know he had made one this year
but I should have known he would.
He always does.

And you would be proud of his "clicking feet" stick man
that looks so much like the ones you drew!

To sum it up,
I'm so thankful you were born 58 years ago today
and that fact is always worth celebrating.

Love,
Janna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2016

Monday, January 18, 2016

Fifty Seven

My Rob would have been 57 today.

Instead, he died at age 

52 years, 

8 months, 

and 2 days.

I’ve started this blog post for his birthday

too many times to count

but just never could get it written because

I never knew quite what to say…

…until now.

Dear My Rob,

Since your last birthday, so much has happened.

So much has happened with our children.

So much has happened with me.

Some good things.

Some not so good things.

Some things I’ve written about.

Some things I haven’t.

But with every single bit of it

came the

DEEP LONGING

to talk with you about it.

For you were my best friend.

The best friend I have ever had.

And THAT is what I’ve missed

the most this past year.

Your friendship.

Not just

A

friendship

but

YOUR

friendship.

Simply put,

no one else has ever

known me

or understood me

or cared about me

the way that you did…

…not before you

and not after you.

I miss that.

So, to end 2016’s birthday post,

I will quote the chorus to a song released

since your last birthday.

(“See You Again” by Charlie Puth / Wiz Khalifa)

“It’s been a long day

without you

my friend.

And I’ll tell you all about it

when I see you again.

We’ve come a long way

 from where we began.

Oh, I’ll tell you all about it

when I see you again.

When I see you again.”

Love,

Your Janna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2015

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Fifty Six

He would have been 56 today.

This will be the 4^th time that we will observe that day without him.

On some days, it still seems impossible that he’s gone.

On some days, it seems so long ago that

he WAS alive

it almost seems that he was only a dream

and was not really truly ever here.

Of course, I know he was.

I remember…

…almost every detail.

And, of course,

I gave birth to 3 of his 4 children

and I see parts of him in all 4 of his children.

So I know he was here.

I know it wasn’t a dream.

But on days like this…

…on what would have been his 56^th birthday…

...and while looking through all of the photos of him to post on his day…

(the photos that will never change again because

updating them is now a thing of the past)

…these are the days that it’s hard to believe that I had him for 18 years.

But oh how much I remember when I do look through the photos.

So, for those of you who knew him,

I will post the photos today for you to remember with me.

For those of you who didn’t know him,

well, you missed out.

His children and I were blessed.

He would have been 56 today.

And, even though we are all okay,

we are living life to the best of our abilities in the present,

and we are looking forward to the future,

we 

miss 

him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2014

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Fifty Five

My Rob would be 55 YEARS OLD TODAY - if he were still living.

You can read what I wrote about him last year on his birthday here.

As I pass the day called his birthday for the 3rd time without him, 

I am ever more grateful for all of the days I did have with him.

As I said to Rob in the letter I wrote to him for his 40th birthday party:

"And mostly, I have been taught in an ever true way that GOD IS FAITHFUL!  We have had to rely on HIM for so many things and HE has NEVER disappointed us!

Just as I couldn't have known 5 years ago what trials we would go through nor could I have imagined what growth we would achieve, as individuals and as a couple.  I never imagined how truly "one" two people can be.  You see, I truly feel that you are a part of me and I a part of you.  When I looked at you sleeping just now (and listened to your snoring), all I could think about is what all I would have missed by not having you in my life (okay, so I wouldn't really miss the snoring all that much).  I'm so grateful that God allowed our paths to cross!  So you see, Robert Edward Shelton, I would have married you sooner because I cannot imagine a better life than the one I have with you and if I could do it over again, I would marry you 6 months 

EARLIER!!!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1959 - 6 months old

Kindergarten

High School - Licking Heights High School, Ohio

Bachelor Degree in Speech Communication - UNC-Greensboro

Master of Divinity - Duke University

For his 40th birthday, I threw him a big party - 

inviting all of our families and both of the churches he was serving at the time.  

He had a great time!

He even wrote me a fancy thank you note! 

I so loved my Rob.

I miss him.

We all do.

But I am so happy, grateful, and blessed that, 

for a while (3 months shy of 18 years), 

I had the privilege of calling him 

my husband

and hearing him call me

his wife.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the letter I wrote to my Rob 15 years ago 

for his 40th birthday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2013

Friday, January 18, 2013

Fifty-Four

He would have been 54 today.

I was married to Rob for 18 of his 52 birthdays.  I have photos from every single one of them.  And as I've looked at them to decide what to put on the blog, it was great to re-live those moments.

On the pictures from the first birthday I spent with Rob, I noticed the Duke Divinity School video in the background.  This was when he was preparing to prove to Duke that he should be accepted and the video was about the process.  He was accepted and graduated with lots of gratitude.

18 days into our marriage, this was the first birthday I spent with my Rob.  Caleb (my first cousin who had his own room at my house) had made him a cake and colored a coffee cup for him.  Rob and I both had to work that day so I bought him a birthday cookie. 

Then there was 1999 when I gave him a 40th birthday party and inivited his churches and all of our family and friends.  We had almost 200 people there.

There was his 50th (which was on a Sunday).  The church he was serving gave him a covered dish party after church.

And then there was the last birthday we spent together before his death.  We went to the beach with Jamie, Sally, Jay, Sarah, and Kaylee to celebrate.  We had a great time!

And there was SO MUCH LIVING for us in between that first and last birthday.

Birthdays are about celebration of LIFE.  That is what I'm trying to do.  I am trying my best to celebrate the life our God gave to my Rob.  I am working hard to make sure the children know what his life meant to so many people.  I am trying to honor the marriage we had and the life we had together while at the same time, I do feel single again.  I am celebrating the father he was to his four children and his influence on them while at the same time knowing that I am a single mother.

I do not know what my future holds.  But as I've looked through these photos, I know I've had a great past. And although I am not spending my time LIVING in the past, there are still so many days that I'm sad that it IS the PAST.  A part of me is gone and I don't think that will ever change.  But on most days, I can remember that I enjoyed many wonderful seasons of life with my Rob and I can smile.

For all of those seasons and for all of those memories, I will always be grateful and I will forever feel blessed.

And now today, on what would have been his 54th birthday, I can smile as I know he is spending his second birthday with Jesus.  There's just no thing better that I could wish for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heart Stopping Moment

***Edited on January 17, 2019 to add this update...
Luke came through the surgery just fine
with absolutely no issues with the anesthesia!!!
He is in some pain
(which is to be expected when one has 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed)
but, so far, he is managing well.
Thank you so much for your prayers for my boy!***
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please pray for my Luke tomorrow (January 15, 2019). 

He is scheduled to have all 4 wisdom teeth removed in the morning. 

In 2009, his heart stopped during surgery for a broken arm. 

He had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia. 

I will never forget hearing the code blue being called over the speaker. 

Please pray that he will do well with the anesthesia tomorrow 

and that his healing will be swift.  

Thank you!

Great-Grandma Hussey And Her Children

My Great-Uncle Paul died yesterday.

He was the last living sibling of my Grandma Ima Beck.

Now my Great-Grandma Hussey 

has all 4 of her children 

with her again.

Photo shows Bertie Hussey sitting in the chair.

Standing are Ima, Ruby, Janie, and Paul.

2nd Semester

It so seems like he was just born but alas, 

my Wesley is off to start his second semester of college. 

His first semester was a hard fought semester

but he ended up making the dean's list! 

I'm so proud of my boy. 

His tenaciousness, 

throughout his schooling and his entire lifetime, 

has always impressed me. 

Godspeed, my boy!

Silver Wedding Anniversary

Today is the 25^th anniversary of my wedding…

but it is not my 25^th wedding anniversary.

Because Rob died 3 months before our 18^th wedding anniversary,

I only got to have 17 wedding anniversaries with him.

Today would have been 25 years.

Our Silver Anniversary.

Rob was 34 when we married so he joked

that he might not live to age 84 to celebrate

our Golden Anniversary of 50 years in the year 2044

but that he would do his best to make it age 59

so we could celebrate our Silver Anniversary in the year 2019.

He kept his word by doing his best.

He just didn’t make it.

Someone asked me not too long ago if,

knowing all that I know now

and

having lived through all I’ve lived through,

would I do it all over again

or

would I change things…

Well,

I’m sure we all have things we would change

and I am no different.

Sometimes I cringe when I see and hear couples fighting over stuff

that I know now really doesn’t matter and I want to get across to them

to not take one moment for granted and to PLEASE stop sweating the small stuff

and love each other for every moment you can. There are times when I want to say, “Would you really be mad over that or would you figure out a way to compromise if you knew he or she was going to die and you would never see your person again?”

And there are times when certain memories of

things and times pop up in my mind like a Facebook memory pops up on my timeline 

–unbidden but there nonetheless -

and I might wish that I could change those things about my marriage to Rob – just things we did or didn’t do that I would now approach differently

with an entirely new perspective.

But marrying Rob…

…there is not a second’s hesitation

that I “certainly would”

marry him

all over again

even knowing

it would end

as it ended.

So very many blessings came from marrying my Rob.

For a time, I was given the opportunity to love the best I’ve ever loved.

For a time, I was given the opportunity to feel loved the best I’ve ever been loved.

For a time, I was given the opportunity to be involved in a ministry team and learn how to love all – from the easily loved to the sometimes unloveables that come with ministry – and to have hopefully made a difference in our church folks’ lives.

For a time, I was given the opportunity to move all over our state and learn and serve in many churches and communities that will always be a part of my heart.

I was given the opportunity to be a part of Rob’s family that all became part of my family and they will all forever be a part of my heart.

And, from the very first moment I married my Rob and until the day I breathe my last breath, I will never stop being thankful that my marriage to Rob gave me the opportunity to mother (stepmother to 1 – give birth to 3) the 4 people who will FOREVER be the most important humans to ever be in my world.

Crystol Erin

Anna Elizabeth

Wesley Robert

and

Luke Edward

So, YES, a resounding YES!

I would marry him all over again

even if I knew I would have to watch him die all over again.

Simply put,

it

was

well

worth

it.

So how does one celebrate a wedding anniversary

that technically doesn’t even exist?

In many ways,

the same as everyone else

who remembers their wedding day.

It is 1:12 p.m. as I write this sentence

and I am remembering that, 25 years ago right now,

I was finished getting dressed for my 2 p.m. wedding.

I was sitting on a tall stool so as not to wrinkle

my wedding dress train but to give my back

as much rest as possible before I would be standing up

for the next few hours.

I was already mothering as I was talking

with our 11 year old Crystol.

She was so sad that she could not go with us

on our honeymoon to Disneyworld.

(For the record, we would have taken her with us

if she had not had to go back to school).

I remember peeking out of the window and out of the room

and looking at all of the folks who had come

to be a part of the best day of my life so far.

I remember my daddy,

dressed in his pastor robe with his white stole,

coming in to check on me.

He whispered a prayer in my ear.

I so wish I could remember what he prayed.

I remember my mama

when she came in to see me in my dress

and seeing her smile.

I remember, as the time got closer,

that I could not believe that

I was ACTUALLY getting married!

And I remember, as the music

(O For A Thousand Tongues To Sing)

started for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to enter,

I was ecstatic that OUR time had arrived.

And then it was just my daddy and me.

Daddy smiled at me and I smiled back as we stood there

waiting for Dot (our wedding director) to give us the signal

for our walk down the aisle that would change my life forever.

So, remembering a wedding day for those of us

who have lost a spouse is much the same as everyone else.

Full of great memories!

But, in so many ways, it just is not.

For instance, when I think of taking my daddy’s arm on that January day in 1994 and walking down that wedding aisle to my waiting groom at the altar, it almost instantly reminds me of that September day in 2011 when my daddy stood in his pastor’s robe at the front of the church and I focused on his white stole as I walked alone with our 4 children walking behind me down that funeral aisle to sit right in front of

my groom’s casket at the altar.

Two walks down the aisle.

Both forever changing my life.

So today,

as I remember that oh so happy day 25 years ago,

and I reflect for a bit on the fact that it would be our Silver Anniversary,

I can still see the “silver lining” of it all

and I have been and I am so very blessed!

It’s just, for me, the silver is tarnished by the ashes of death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, to be blunt for a moment.

Before I get emails or messages about how I’m living in the past

and that I need to forget the former things if I ever want a future

and other things folks really don’t think through before they say it, I would like to say I am just remembering the first best day of my life when I married my Rob with the next best days of my life being when our children were born.  Our wedding day was a happy day and deserves remembering!  And I’m a writer so that’s how it gets remembered.  And there are folks who are really new to this widow/widower thing and I’ve been told that my writing has helped them process their own circumstances and helps them to know they are normal for thinking and remembering all of the things that come with this world of grief we are thrown into when our spouses die. None of us asked for this.  My mourning ended long ago, years ago to be exact, but I know, for me and most everyone I know (even happily remarried folks), the grief part never ends. I find it really interesting that folks post things all the time about remembering their mothers, fathers, children, and siblings. No one ever seems to say to them that they are “living in the past.”  In fact, for the most part, folks seem to say things like, “Oh, how sweet” and “You have such a good memory” and “Such great memories!”  But, if a surviving spouse posts something about the deceased spouse, folks are so quick to say we are living in the past when we are simply remembering.  If I can give any advice on how to talk to a surviving spouse, please don’t tell us we are living in the past when we are simply remembering the same things most folks do.  So, if I can help myself by writing and help others by writing, I will continue to do so.

For those who have wondered,

I have dated since Rob died.

I’ve had first dates with 5 men,

2 or more dates with 2 men,

and I fell in love with one man

who I dated for 6 months

before I got my heart broken.

I survived,

I healed,

and went on some more dates after that

but I have yet to find

my “next” love.

For those who have asked,

I don’t know if God will send me another husband or not.

I always thought He would.

I never thought I would not remarry.

But I recognize that I’m a strange one

with lots of circumstances

that widely narrow the dating pool.

I have 4 children and a son-in-law

and a mother to care for.

I’m still homeschooling one of my kids.

I come with a big life

that not many men are willing to take on.

I’ve been told I’m boring

and that I don’t know how to have fun in life

and I’ve been told that I’m too much

and I don’t know how to be still.

And I’ve also been told that I’m too good

and there’s no way he could ever meet my standards

(even though my standards were never discussed –

that person just broke the 2^nd date after reading my blog).

One man decided not to even go on a first date

after finding out I had been married to a preacher.

He just couldn’t “stomach” dating a preacher’s wife

(that one really made me laugh).

But I don’t drink.

I don’t curse.

And I’m 6 feet tall.

God comes first in my life

and I expect Him to come first in my man’s life.

Andy Griffith is my favorite TV show and

I really do listen to mainly K-Love and The Message.

I like simple living and I don’t require fancy things.

But I do require unfailing commitment to God and loyalty

and I will not settle for less than.

Simply put, I would certainly rather be alone

than wish I was.

And now, I will get back to my current life as I sit at the same table as my children and cousins decorating ugly sweater cookies and ornament cookies. Life is good.

I hope you all have a happy new year and a great 2019!

A Time for Everything

(Ecclesiastes 3)

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

One last thing,

just so I will have them all in one place for those who want to read them all,

I will post the links to all of my anniversary blogs below.

2013

http://jannasview.blogspot.com/2013/01/january-1st.html

2014

http://jannasview.blogspot.com/2014/01/20-years.html

2015

http://jannasview.blogspot.com/2015/01/21-years.html

2016

http://jannasview.blogspot.com/2016/01/22-years.html

2017

http://jannasview.blogspot.com/2017/01/wedding-anniversary.html

New Year's Eve 2018-2019

I had my annual New Year's Eve party.

We had a lot of fun and we had lots of family here

But I missed having my Anna here.

She had to work.

Hope you all had a great New Year's Eve!

And this is Luke lifting his left leg

so he can

"start the New Year off on the right leg!"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!