Thursday, April 3, 2014
21 years - April 3, 2014
I met Rob 21 years ago today.
And my world came alive
in a way I had never known before.
It is has been so difficult as this day has approached.
Since grief has visited me so differently for the last while (a good differently), I really didn't expect the difficulty with dealing with all of Rob's and my April anniversaries this year.
But the most important thing I've learned about this "new normal" of mine is that
nothing is ever as expected and nothing is ever normal
and grief shows up whenever it chooses.
Anyway, I really do not think it would have been the same degree of difficulty except that Anna is a senior this year and we are going to graduation meetings and I'm hearing people being nominated to speak at her graduation ceremony. I had to work really hard to not cry at this last meeting because I was remembering the time when Anna was little (Kindergarten or so) and I had been to a homeschool meeting where we lived then. They were discussing graduation and I came home and told Rob that he needed to start working now on what he might would say if he were chosen to speak when our kids graduate (my dad did the baccalaureate at ours).
Rob made up a speech right then.
I wish I could remember it.
And for the last couple of weeks, Anna and I have been going through photos to choose what she wants to put in her yearbook and for her graduation ceremony.
Thus, for what is needed for my daughter's and my PRESENT world,
I've had to relive, through the photos, my past life with Rob.
I have a very photographic memory - I do not mean the kind of photographic memory where I remember everything I ever see or read - I mean that I have a vivid memory of almost every photo I've ever taken and when I see one of my photos, I can almost immediately, emotionally, be transplanted back into the moment.
It's just how my memory works. My memory is not usually an active moving film.
It's usually a series of still photos flashing through my mind.
So, for the last couple of weeks, as I've gone through all of our family photos
(and there are thousands and thousands),
I've lived it all again.
I've smiled and laughed and cried as I've lived, through the photos;
our wedding, the birth of our children, birthdays, vacations, dance recitals,
college move-in days, baptisms, moves to different churches,
preschool, high school, college, and graduate school graduations,
serious moments, silly moments, and so on and so on and so on.
And, once again, I have been so keenly aware of all I've lost.
And I really did lose so much of that past - I lost it in a very important way.
There is no one else in the world who lived it with me other than Rob.
I think one of the things that surprised me about not having the man I had made a life with is how much having that someone to "remember with" matters.
It's almost as if,
since there is no one else to "bounce" the memory ball around with,
it didn't even happen.
Someone told me that I dwell too much on remembered dates and memories and such.
I don't agree.
I get up every day and rarely talk about any of it.
I take care of my children and my parents
and I keep going.
I rarely even speak of Rob anymore
because most of the people around me
didn't even know him
and do not remember.
And unlike when he first died,
it's not the first thing that hits my mind when I first awake.
But I do always remember the dates.
I'm a date person.
I still remember that January 3rd is my 6th grade boyfriend's birthday and one of my high school boyfriend's birthday is October 19th and one of my college boyfriend's birthday is March 26th.
It's just the way my mind works.
When Rob was alive and I would say to someone on an April 3rd that it was 15 years since Rob and I met, the response would be something like,
"Aww, that's so sweet that you remember all of your dates - that's some kind of love."
Now that he's dead, if I happen to mention it to someone, the response can be something like,
"You really should try and move on and not dwell on those dates."
I never quite know how to respond to those comments.
But I do know that it's the same as when he was alive.
I remember that first April 3rd day as if it were yesterday.
And I don't even have any photos of it.
I don't need them to remember that day.
Those photos live in my mind.
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Written on:
20 years - April 3, 1993
April 3, 1993
19 years ago today, I met him.
19 years ago today, I was wearing this outfit to go with Emilie to the Easter Drama, The Last Supper, at their church. I had just turned 25 years old 4 days earlier.
19 years ago today, I first laid eyes on Robert Edward Shelton. And I immediately thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen.
19 years ago today, he was dressed to portray the role of Judas. I wish I had pictures. He had a full beard. He was barefooted. I noticed he had hairy feet.
19 years ago today, his church had praise and worship singing before the drama began.
19 years ago today, he was playing his guitar in the praise band the first time I ever saw him.
19 years ago today, he was bouncing up and down while playing his guitar - playing with such exuberance, praising our God.
(May 1993)
19 years ago today, I watched him move about and heard him speak with such conviction during the drama as his character was betraying our Jesus - and I noticed the pain on his face as he threw the silver coins as he portrayed his character's guilt and remorse over that betrayal. I admired how deeply he felt the pain.
19 years ago today, I watched as his character went off to die.
19 years ago today, he changed clothes after the drama before coming out to meet me for the first time. He changed into blue polyester golf pants and a golf shirt. I still thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen.
19 years ago today, we stood at the back of that church and talked as if no one else was even around. It really was one of those magical, blessed moments that I somehow knew would change my world. I could have stood there all night long drinking in all that I saw in his eyes. He later told me the exact same thing - that he could have stood there all night "swimming in the blue of my eyes." However, I was riding with Emilie and she had a young son to get into bed. She had to come tell me it was time to go at least 2 times, maybe more.
19 years ago today, I left my Rob's presence reluctantly but I felt a peace about him and somehow I knew he would become part of my life.
(June 1993 - this was before it happened but this picture was taken on the day he proposed)
6 months ago, I watched as he - not a character he was portraying in a drama - lay dying. I remember noticing, from the first moment that we found him unconscious, that there did not seem to be any pain showing on his face and I gave thanks for that then and now...
...but as I caught a glimpse of my face in the glass pane there in ICU and as I looked around at our children and our families and friends, I saw reflected the pain on all of our faces as we had to reluctantly let go of being in his presence.
19 years ago today, I came home from that Easter drama and thanked God for allowing me to meet
Robert Edward Shelton.
(August 1993 - in the Bahamas - on a one day cruise there and back)
Today, my prayer is the same.
"Thank you God, that 19 years ago, I met my Rob. I imagine him bouncing up and down praising You with such exuberance that it is magnified thousands and thousands of times since that time when I first saw him praising You 19 years ago. I imagine him being free of all issues and only because I imagine him being in Your presence can I even begin to deal with the fact that he is not in mine.
Thank you for that peace!"
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*P.S. "WOW."
Our internet at the parsonage is out today and they said it will be out until sometime tomorrow so I came up to the church to publish this post. I was proofreading it once more before I hit "publish." I have had the radio on K-Love the entire time I've been here. Just before I hit "publish," the song, "I Can Only Imagine" came on and it is playing as I type these words. So, to add another prayer---
"Thank you God, for that reminder, that Rob is indeed "forever praising and worshipping You."
