Janna's View

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

January 1st

Today, January 1, 2013, would have been Rob’s and my 19^th wedding anniversary.

Instead, I am observing our wedding anniversary for the second time without him.

(January 1, 1994)

I did not make plans for today other than taking home some of Anna’s friends who spent the night with us last night. I knew that this year, by God’s grace, I did not need to be as intentional about how I spent the day as I did last year. I knew that today, by God’s grace, I would be okay.

And even though it is still so difficult to believe that my Rob is dead and I am his widow instead of his wife, I have been okay today.

However, last year was different. I had not lived it yet so I didn’t know how the day would be. But I knew that for me, I needed to be intentional about observing the first wedding anniversary without him. January 1^st, 2012 was a Sunday so I decided to worship that day at Ellerbe United Methodist Church where Rob and I were married in 1994. As a teenager, I spent a lot of time in that church while my dad was pastor there. I was the janitor there in high school. And I spent so much time at that altar. Although I only told 2 people ahead of time (in case I woke up and did not feel like going), I prearranged to have Ellerbe UMC to myself during the afternoon (while a high school friend kept my children at her house) so that I could be alone with my God and my memories during the wedding hour.

I knew there was nothing that was going to make that day better so I decided that spending the afternoon alone with God at the place where I gained what I now have lost would help me the most.

I knew there would be more crying than praying at the altar that day but I also knew God would understand the language of my tears...

…and that afternoon, as I watched the video of the wedding (something Rob and I always did on our anniversary)

and as I took pictures of my wedding veil and pictures of our wedding rings

and pictures of the video - catching moments that Rob and I grinned and smiled over each year as we watched -

and as I remembered our marriage and as I prayed…

…I knew that no translation of my suffering was needed…

…I could feel God holding me just as surely as I can feel the hugs from my children each day…

...and just as I wrote in the poem on our wedding program years ago...

"There's a power through Him that takes me through every day"

I felt His power push me on...

...and as I wrote years ago and felt on January 1, 1994 and January 1, 2012...

"No love is greater"

…and I knew, yet again, that I would be okay…

…that God’s grace would be sufficient for that day…

…AND for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12-12-12

December 12th was my Grandma Caviness' birthday. I still miss her. Rob and my dad preached her funeral in August 2009. It's still hard to believe that I was blessed enough to be 21 years old when my first grandparent passed away and that my last grandparent lived until 2009 when I was 41 years old. But my husband died a month shy of 2 years after my last grandparent - when I was only 43 years old.

It all still just seems so incredibly out of order.

But what is in order today is a celebration. Today, 12-12-12, is Isaac's 1st birthday.