Sometimes It Depends On How You See Things...

A bit of my conversation with my dad in the car today as I took him to the podiatrist.

Janna:  "The leaves are in their last phase of peak color, Daddy.  I'm sorry that you cannot see the colors."

  

(My dad is color blind).

Daddy: "That's okay."

Janna: "I guess, as far as you were concerned about the changing leaves, living so close to the Blue Ridge Parkway for those 3 years didn't benefit you that much."

Daddy: "But it did.  Even though I couldn't see the different colors, your mother loved that season.  She would identify the changing colors for me and you children would talk about it.  There was one tree right there in the parsonage yard that your mother thought was particularly beautiful.  So I did get to enjoy the season of the changing leaves.  I got to see it through all of you." 

Closure?

Someone recently asked me if I’ve come to a point of closure now that it’s been over a year since my husband died and we’ve lived through most of the “firsts.”

First, I can only speak for me.

I have only ever been me.

I have never been anyone else.

I have never seen life from anyone else’s perspective other than mine.

Although I was born with an over-abundance of empathy and sympathy for others and a certain amount of naivety when it comes to helping others and although I have spent most of my life in fields that required me to think like someone else -  

(from being a mother to being a minister’s wife to being a teacher assistant in a BEH classroom to being a K-6 classroom teacher and even all the way back to the 3 year job / 1 year internship I had at a counseling center when I was in college with a counseling major)

- to try and see their lives from their perspectives

- to try and help them see how to get farther along on their own paths of life,

I still can only authentically see life from my own eyes and from my own experience.

Anything else is retelling it – not having lived it.

So I know that I can never presume to know how anyone else feels – even if it seems that he or she is in the exact same situation as me.

I can only claim to know what it’s like to be me - to feel what I feel. 

It’s like childbirth.  I was told about it, I read about it, and I even witnessed it but I didn’t truly know what childbirth was like until I went through it – and even with that, each of my 3 childbirths were different.

I’ve learned a lot this year – every one grieves differently and even one person can grieve 2 situations differently (ex. grieving the loss of a spouse and then grieving the loss of a child).

So, I can only speak for me.

And the question wasn’t what I’ve learned about grief in the last year.  That’s an entire book in itself. 

The question was about coming to a point of “closure.”

My long answer would take a while – with an outline covering the relief that did come on the 366^th day after Rob’s death (it was extremely subtle but relief that we had made it an entire year was there) to the fact that in any moment, usually with no warning, I can be instantly taken back in my mind to standing at Rob’s hospital bedside watching, hearing, feeling, and even smelling him die and having to watch my children watch their daddy die.  At times, it is excruciating at best. 

And my short answer is that since closure implies the “end” of something, I do not know if or when I will ever truly know closure. 

I do know that God is still holding my hand and leading me along the path.  And even when my heart feels as if it’s breaking all over again (like when Luke pops up and says things like “I can’t remember Papa’s laugh”), I know God is still diligently holding all of the pieces of my heart in His very capable Hands!

And I do know that joy in my life does happen.  There have been many moments of joy.    

But I also know that the sorrow never leaves.  

Cassidy

Last night (Nov. 8th), we video chatted with my cute little niece, Cassidy Jill, so we could sing her a special song on her special day.  It was her birthday.  It's so hard to believe that she turned 7 years old!

(Cassidy and Anna in June 2012)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASSIDY!

WE LOVE YOU!

Gratitude

Thank you for your prayers for Rob's mother and my children's grandmother, Pat, following her knee replacement surgery that took place on Monday, November 5th.

Second Stop - Florida

Our second stop on our 10-day trip in September 2012 was Florida 

to visit Rob's father and stepmother, Jim and Sandi. 

We left South Carolina on Saturday afternoon, September 15th around 1:30 p.m. and we arrived in the town where Rob's father and stepmother live around 8:30 p.m.  After checking into the hotel that was one block away from the beach and only a 5 minute drive from Jim's house, we went over for a visit with my children's grandfather.  Since it was already pretty late, we didn't stay long that first night but I did get this one photo.

  

After breakfast the next morning, we decided to go to the beach trying to beat the rain that was supposed to start late that morning.  We did actually make it to the beach before it rained but as soon as we got to the place where we were going to set our belongings down, the rain started and everyone else packed up and left.  We stayed a while anyway.  

In our family, we've never let a little rain stop us!  

On the way back into the hotel room to have lunch, the rain actually stopped so we took advantage of the hotel pool and hot tub.

We then went to Jim and Sandi's house for the rest of the day.  

The boys swam and helped clean Paw Paw's pool

while Anna read.

And, of course, I had them pose for a few photos.

We video chatted with Bryan (Rob's brother) and his family.  They took us on a virtual tour of their new house.  That's Jenny on the screen.  

Sandi cooked a great meal for us.

Here's a table full of Sheltons.  You can even see a reflection of me taking the photo in the sliding glass door if you look closely.  

It was a great visit with Rob's dad and my children's grandfather...

...but, in all honesty, it was very difficult to be there without the one 

who connected me to this man to begin with.  It made me miss Rob even more that day.

Update

Thanks for the prayers.  Just a couple of updates and one more prayer request.

1. Rob's mother, Pat, came through her surgery just fine.  In fact, when I called her husband's cell phone, he didn't answer.  Pat did.  She has already been up on her feet with the physical therapist.  

2. Today, I called the doctor about Luke.  They said to bring him right in.  So I called Daddy and told him to get ready too.  

Daddy has a place on his leg that, no matter what we've done, just will not heal (not uncommon for diabetics) - it's been there for over 3 months.  I knew he needed to see the doctor again about that.  So I took Daddy and Luke to the doctor.  Let's hear it for family doctors!!!!!

Luke got an antibiotic.  So did Daddy.

Luke's fever is still hovering around 100 - 101.  But you know, the boy did not have one bit of fever at 10 a.m. this morning in the doctor's office : )  

I think that even though they were both going to the doctor and the pharmacy, they both enjoyed getting out of the house!

And on the way home, my dad told Luke the story of how he and my mom both worked for 3 summers in a row (when they were dating and my dad was in college) at the peach cannery in another town.  He told the story of how my Grandpa Beck gave him a car and he would pick up Mama and more workers and drive them all to work.  He told Luke the entire process of the jobs he and my mom did on the production line.  He told Luke that he and Mama got paid $1 an hour.  He told Luke how from where he worked and from where Mama worked they could see each other and it was a joy to be able to watch each other every day.  He told Luke about how, during their 30 minute lunch break, they would find a place to sit together to eat their lunches they had brought.  He told Luke this story with all of the vigor of a young man in love.  It is always so obvious that, even coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary in December, he has never forgotten the first feelings of love he had and still so obviously has for my mom.     

New Prayer Request

A good friend of my sister and a friend of mine (who reads this blog regularly - thank you Debbie) has requested prayer from me and I thought I'd pass the request on to you.  She left a comment on yesterday's post but I thought I would just put it in here too so those of you who do not look at comments will be asked to pray as well.  Debbie, I have been praying for you and I will continue to do so.

Here is her request:

I just prayed for all of your listed concerns and will continue to pray for you and your loved ones. I also thanked the Lord for your children being so responsible and caring. You're doing something right and certainly are a great mom!

Would you please add me to YOUR prayer list? I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mastectomy 10/3. Luckily there was NO lymph node involvement...but I had a port put in on Friday 11/2 and have to start chemotherapy treatments tomorrow morning.

Sending you lots of love!

Debbie

Thankful and Prayer

I'd like to request prayer for a few people.

1.  Luke was getting better and is over the flu like symptoms.  However, he spiked a high fever again last night and started coughing and wheezing.  Maybe it's from lying in bed for 4 days but for whatever reason, he is now sick with lung / asthma issues.  But I am thankful that I have breathing treatment medicine for him and can give him breathing treatments at home until I can call (or go to) the doctor tomorrow to get an antibiotic.

2.  Rob's mother, Pat, will be having knee replacement surgery tomorrow at 12:30 p.m.  Please pray for her. 

3.  Rob's father, Jim, has been in the hospital to drain all of the extra fluid.  He is home now and trying to finish the process there.

4.  My almost 11 month old cousin, Isaac, has been in the hospital for Bronchitis.  He is out of the hospital now and doing much better.

And since Luke and I could not go to church today, Anna drove my dad and Wesley to church. 

 

Now, taking my dad to church is not just as simple as transportation.  Someone who knows how to take care of his blood glucose levels is required.  That's where Wesley came in.  My Anna did the driving.  My Wesley took care of my dad's diabetes.  

Wesley knows how to check my dad's sugar and what to do if it's low.  He carried a back pack with the supplies to church with him.  Wesley checked my dad's sugar between Sunday School and Worship and made sure he ate some crackers and had some water and had the soda ready if it had been low.  

My Anna and my Wesley were, rightfully so, a little nervous this first time of taking my dad somewhere by themselves.  They've seen my dad convulsing in his bed from low blood sugar levels.  They've seen him at his worst.  But they did it and they did a great job.  

As they were driving away, I heard Wesley ask Anna why she had on all purple today.  

My dad swiftly answered excitedly, "Because Anna must have known that I am teaching about Lydia today and how she sold purple cloth."  

I smiled.

I am proud of my babies.  And it is ever present in my mind that they are growing up too fast.  I also know that they will always be my babies no matter how old they get and I am so thankful to be their "Mama!"