Today, it has been 1 year since Rob's father passed away.
Hard to believe it has been an entire year since I drove the 12 hours straight
(only stopping to get some supper at the drive-through and to use the restroom twice)
to arrive at the Florida hospital, with my children, around 1:30 in the morning
to say good-bye.
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What follows are the 2 posts I wrote about that week:
The first one was written on August 12, 2013
(the day before Jim died)
Monday, August 12, 2013
Life and Death - Hanging In The Balance
My late husband, Robert Edward, lived for 24 hours after we found him unconscious.
His father, James David, is in his 10 or 11th day after Hospice was called in.
With Rob, we only had 24 short hours with no interaction because he was unconscious.
With my father-in-law, we've had days with much conversation.
With Rob, we got no feedback.
With Jim, we've had lots of history lessons, stories, and memories told.
With Rob, it was all so sudden,
With Jim, we've had some time to adjust.
With Rob, he was my kids' father, "Daddy."
With Jim, he is my kids' grandfather, "Paw Paw Jim."
With Rob, we were minutes away from the hospital and I never left Rob's side.
With Jim, we drove to Sarasota, FL and were able to visit on and off for 4 days.
In Rob's case, we were achingly and desperately wanting to tell him we loved him, say good bye...
...AND KNOW THAT HE HEARD US.
In Jim's case, we were able to do just that with like responses back from him.
In both cases, death was and will be the most merciful thing for both men
that I love and have loved.
But for my children and for me, both cases were and are purely heartbreaking.
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(the day after Jim's NC funeral).
Sunday, August 25, 2013
What I Said At His Dad's Funeral
We formally said good-bye to my father-in-law yesterday.
His funeral was yesterday morning (August 24, 2013).
My Crystol and my Anna sang a song that their grandfather had requested - Crystol played her guitar for their song.
Rob and Jim would both have been so, so, so, so, so proud of them.
My sons looked so handsome in their new suits.
Rob and Jim would both have been so, so, so so, so proud of them.
Jim had asked me to speak - so I did.
This is what I said.
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JAMES DAVID SHELTON
A son, a brother, an uncle, a husband, a father, and a grandfather but I knew him as my father-in-law.
I am Janna Shelton, the widow of Jim’s oldest son, Robert. Jim asked me to speak today. I told him I would be honored.
I saw Jim for the first time 20 years ago. I have photos of that day.
I saw Jim for the last time on August 11th. And after, not before, his directive of “Is anybody recording any of this?” as 5 of his 6 grandchildren were gathered around him (Crystol’s flight had already departed), I have some photos of those last days as well.
My children and I spent 4 days visiting off and on with Jim in his hospital room. I did not take photos of him during the first 2 days because I didn’t think he would want me to. But I definitely saw things worthy of noting and captured them in my mind.
-What I saw was a grandfather still giving history lessons to his grandchildren.
-What I saw was a grandson massaging his Paw Paw’s back for hours as he processed the fact that his Paw Paw was really going to die.
-What I saw was a grandfather telling his grandchildren stories.
-What I saw was a grandfather devising with his grandson a joke to play on Mick (Jim’s friend)when he arrived that day.
-What I saw was another grandson crying because he wasn’t going to get the chance to make more memories with his Paw Paw.
-What I saw was a grandfather recalling memories for his grandchildren to hear.
-What I saw was a grandfather asking us each night, even as 1:30 a.m. approached, to “stay a while longer.” And we did, staying one night until 4:30 a.m.
-What I saw was a granddaughter and grandsons who also did not want to separate and leave the room because they knew that each time, it could be the last time.
-What I saw was a grandson asking his grandfather to tell his daddy hello for him when he gets to heaven.
Photographs could not have captured the essence of those moments, even if I had tried.
Those moments just had to be lived – and turned into memories.
During those 4 days, knowing that Jim wanted me to speak today, I asked him a few questions. And he, knowing full well why I was asking and grinning that I was taking notes, cleared his throat and in his best orator’s voice that he could muster with his waning energy level, proceeded to answer in a fashion that any Toastmaster club would be proud to hear. And each time he spoke, the love he felt for his sons was clearly evident on his face.
My 3 main questions to him were about his children, his 3 sons:
What are your favorite memories of Robert?
What are your favorite memories of Eric?
What are your favorite memories of Bryan
His immediate, first answer was: “There are just so many that it’s hard to choose.”
He then went on to answer about Robert. For his firstborn son, the favorite memories he told me were:
1- BOTH of the days Robert got married.
2- My wedding day when Robert officiated
3- When Robert was about 2 years old swinging the golf club around and I have a picture of him doing that.
4- Robert coming home from his first date. He wore a blue suit and he was driving my blue Datsun 240 Z.
5- Robert driving off with Bryan
6- And my favorite photo of him was his Kindergarten graduation photo.
He then drifted off to sleep and it was later that evening when he continued, this time about Eric.
For his middle son, Jim said, “Eric and I loved to play mind games. We would spend hours guessing what number in cards the other was putting down. But my favorite memory of Eric was him riding his bike like crazy in our back yard.”
It was the next day before he answered me about Bryan
1- My favorite memory of all time with Bryan
2- Bryan
3- And a dominant memory of Bryan Bryan
I am so glad I decided to ask him these questions and based on his reactions, I feel sure he was glad to be able to answer. And my children and I were blessed to be able to hear about all of those moments that were lived – and turned into memories.
My late husband loved his father and they could spend hours on the phone discussing sports, health, jobs, and all kinds of topics. I wish I had asked my Rob his favorite memory of his father but I never did and I will not try to guess but I did ask my children.
My Crystol said her favorite memory of her Paw Paw Jim was their mutual respect for each other - that he not only treated her like a granddaughter but also like his friend. And she loved that he taught her how to play spades.
My Anna said her favorite memory was when she retold for him in person last September her maid of honor speech she delivered at Crystol’s wedding that he was unable to attend. He told her she could be a Toastmaster.
My Wesley said his favorite memory was when Paw Paw Jim taught him how to play Battleship. Jim never let anybody win anything on purpose so Wesley was thrilled when he actually beat him not long after being taught to play.
My Luke said his favorite memory is showing Paw Paw Jim the toy Bionicle he built. My little engineer was proud to show his Paw Paw Jim how he had built it.
My favorite memory would have to be when he first met each of my children but especially when he met Wesley, his first grandson. He so loved his granddaughters and thought they were so special but when Wesley was born, he was ecstatic that there would be a boy to carry on the Shelton
“an heir and a spare.”
Carrying on – that is what we have to do now.
Whether or not our last name is Shelton
And as we move forward without Paw Paw Jim living among us, we will carry with us each of our moments lived with him – our moments turned into our memories.
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