Turning 50

I am not 50 yet but I am getting closer.

Rob would have turned 56 in January.

I remember when he turned 50.

It was a celebration for us.

He had been pretty sick once or twice that year

and we had a “scare” that he wouldn’t make it to 50.

But he did.

He made it all the way to 52 years and 8 months exactly.

My birthday is a couple of weeks away

I will be 47.

It is not something I dread.

I am aware that I am getting older.

I am aware that I will be one step closer to 50.

But it truly just does not bother me.

Getting older just means that I am still alive.

I

am

still

living.

And that,

in and of itself,

is a gift.

A gift.

LIFE.

It is a gift.

A delicate gift.

A gift to be enjoyed

and well-lived

but not to be taken for granted

or taken lightly.

I learned that so well on the day that my Rob’s life on earth

hung between the balance of life and death.

That line between life and death.

It’s such a very thin line…

…something I never really understood until that day.

It truly was as if I was peering through that very, very thin veil…

So this gift of life I have on this Earth.

I am so incredibly grateful for it!

I am grateful for new mercies each morning!

I am grateful I am here for my children!

I am grateful that, every day, I am closer to 50!

I am grateful for the

strength,

mercy,

and grace

God has given me to live the life I am living!

For me,

as it is for most,

my life has been about

joy and sadness;

gaining and losing;

giving and receiving;

giving birth and covering graves;

many, many tears

and many, many smiles!

And, before I totally paraphrase Ecclesiastes 3, let me get to the point of this post.

I know someone who is turning 50 today.

And I am asking for prayer for that person.

This person is a good friend of mine.

He is married and they have 2 very young children.

Sons who are aged 6 and 8.

And this week,

this friend of mine,

whom I have known for almost 28 years,

was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Although I would love to say that I cannot imagine

a father being taken from his children before

they are old enough to truly internalize and embed

their father onto their hearts and into their minds,

well,

I just cannot say that.

I can not only imagine it.

I lived it.

It happened to my children.

Our girls (who were 29 and 15 when their dad died) remember their dad very well.

Our almost 15 year old son (who was 11 when his dad died)

remembers his dad pretty well but he described it to me the other day like this:

“When I think of my dad, it’s like he was a favorite character

in a great TV show

that doesn’t play anymore.”

Our 12 year old son (who was 8 when his dad died) tells me often that he’s

“sad I cannot remember my dad on my own” (without prompts or photos).

So, unfortunately, I can certainly imagine it.

And I NEVER want to imagine it for anyone else’s family.

I SO MUCH WANT THEIR STORY TO END DIFFERENTLY THAN OURS!

Which is why I’m asking you guys for prayer!

Prayer for complete healing.

Prayer for restoration.

Prayer for the correct treatment plan.

Prayer for his wife and sons.

Prayer for healing.

Prayer for healing.

Prayer for healing.

His first name is Danny.

(He gave me his permission to share his name).

And after you pray for Danny,

please be sure to hug those you love.

Life can be short.

And what I’ve learned in my almost 47 years about that is 

that, even when God blesses you with many years on Earth,

life is STILL too short

to not let those you love know it

AND feel it!

So, taking my own advice before I even wrote it,

I called Danny today

and sang Happy Birthday to him!

I also told him that I know he’s had better birthdays

but it’s still his 50^th birthday

and I’m glad he got to celebrate it

with his wife, sons, and all

of the family who visited!

He laughed and answered,

“That’s right and I am blessed.”

LIFE.

It’s worth celebrating!

Happy Birthday Daniel!

So THIS Just Happened

Just dropped off my oldest son

for his first day of driving for Driver's Ed.

Wesley finished the classroom part of it

in November 2014 but the oldest kids 

got to drive first.

Today was finally his turn.

He was excited.

He was nervous.

He is a good driver, though.

So he should do fine, even in the rain.

And even though this is the 3rd child of ours 

whom I've had the privilege to 

take to Driver's Ed,

the thrill for each one of them

has been new each time!

Words From Rob

I typed, printed, and folded the bulletins and newsletters for my late husband at 3 of the 4 of his church appointments.  And as I’ve said somewhere on this blog before, the longest running argument I had with my late husband was the fact that he just couldn’t get his newsletter article to me by the deadline.  He just could not seem to do it – no matter what. Sometimes, he would spend a lot of time writing it and editing it.  Sometimes he wouldn’t.  Sometimes he would ask for my help and we would work from his outline.  Sometimes he would write it and ask me not to change anything.  That just sort of depended on how much time he had that month. 

I came across this email the other day when I was looking for another email from that time period and thought I would share it with all of you.  Rob would email (usually from the church) the letters to me so I could proof and edit and so that I could copy and paste and not have to retype like in the olden days.

This is the letter my Rob wrote for the March 2011 newsletter.  Lent started on March 9^th that year so this is his “Lent” letter – exactly as he sent it to me – in which he is challenging the church members to spend at least 15 minutes a day for the season of Lent memorizing Scripture and why it's important.  

It would be the last season of Lent that he would spend on Earth. 

I know some of you will enjoy reading Rob’s words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Date:  Sun, Feb 27, 2011 at 5:48 PM

Subject:  I love you Janna. Here is my letter.

I'm sorry it wasn't ready on the 25th. I really like this and you can leave it the way it is.

Thank you for all the awesome work you do with the newsletter - especially all the help through the years with my articles....I love you.

Your Robert

NewsletterMarch2011

Key point: memorizing scripture is very important and a good discipline for us to practice this year during Lent.

     When was the last time you memorized passages from Scripture?  It might have been when you were in 6^th grade preparing for confirmation.  Or maybe earlier still, in Sunday school, when you learned John 3:16 and Psalm 23.  Can you remember when it was exactly?

    Many Christians unselfconsciously learn Scripture by heart. However, what was common several years ago has become less common today for we live in a time when memorization is not given much importance. Often memorization is summed up as “rote learning” void of conscious thought. Memorizing, we are told often, discourages creativity, critical thinking, and conceptual understanding.

    This really doesn’t make sense. After all, training to be a doctor or a lawyer entails memorization-a lot of it. We don’t foolishly assume that the creativity of actors or musicians is crushed by the formidable feats of memory that their art demands. And why is Indianapolis Colts’ quarterback, Peyton Manning, such a dazzlingly great quarterback? Of course he is a gifted athlete but there are many men who are gifted athletes. However, Manning spends countless hours in the film room, studying defenses, looking for patterns to memorize, so that…in the midst of the action, with a 300- pound- lineman who runs like a cheetah and hits like a truck bearing down on him-he will make the optimal decision in a split second. Manning’s greatest strength comes from the fruit of the work of his mind.

   What Manning does when he studies game films and what great actors do when they learn the lines of their roles is illustrative of what we all do from the time we are born- an ongoing work of memorizing AND forgetting, largely conducted without conscious intent or awareness.  “Whenever you read a book or have a conversation,” the prize winning science writer George Johnson reminds us, and I might add, whenever you cross the road, change a diaper, or bake a cake… “the experience causes physical changes in your brain.  In a matter of seconds, new circuits are formed, memories that can change forever the way you think about the world.” Learning is a lifelong process. As I learned recently, our brains are fully formed in size when we are 18 but we spend the rest of our lives learning and maturing. Much of what we learn is through memorization.

     The impact of MOST of what we memorize is not so dramatic as to change forever the way we think about the world but it can be- because it is real, and its consequences accumulate over time. Therefore, the choices we make about what to put in our mind are of lasting importance. “Memorization of Scripture,” Dallas Willard writes, “is one way of ‘taking charge’ of the contents of our conscious thoughts, and of the feelings, beliefs, actions and habits that accompany them.” Recently I came across a little known work entitled Scripture by Heart: Devotional Practices for Memorizing God’s Word . It is written by a Korean Pastor- Joshua Choonming Kang of Los Angeles, California. Pastor Kang emphasizes the importance of the Word of God becoming “part of us.”

    I have been working especially hard in the past few months in memorizing sections of scripture from Paul’s letters (in particular: 1 and 2 Corinthians, Ephesians, Philippians and Colossians) which I have found are extremely helpful in living successfully on a daily basis. I work daily on memorizing these scriptures, i.e. “hiding them in my heart.” Pastor Kang focuses on a highly disciplined daily way of memorizing Scriptures. He writes that in no more than 30 but no less than 15 minutes per day we can study scripture passages in context and through meditating on them and “ingesting” them into our spirits we can actually come to memorize them in a way that we can practically use them in our everyday lives. His point is that we need to meditate on God’s Word the way a cow chews its cud. The cow repeatedly brings its food back up to chew some more before it is “ingested” enough to be ready to be “digested” and become useful for the cow’s health. The Hebrew word for “meditating” on God’s Word in the Bible infers “chewing the cud” as the way we should read, study and learn God’s Word.

   The version of the Bible used to memorize God’s Word is the King James for Pastor Kang. Like me, he believes the King James is especially useful because of its poetical language which lends itself to easier memorization much as we memorize poems or lines from Shakespeare’s writings. Why, you may say, am I harping on memorizing scripture? Well, for one thing because Jesus did. Jesus read Scripture in the synagogue (Luke 4:16); prayed early in the morning (Mark 1:35); prayed on high places (Luke 22:39); and, as a teacher, expounded the Word he knew by heart. Pastor Kang says “when we commit ourselves to memorizing scripture we follow in Jesus’ footsteps. We cultivate his lifestyle. We gather our wits and concentrate.”

    Memorizing Scripture is not an end in itself.  We don’t do it to earn merit badges or points with God. However, Pastor Kang says that when we meditate DEEPLY on the Scriptures we begin to BEAR FRUIT directed by the Holy Spirit. The more we commit God’s Word to memory, the richer our BEING becomes. The melodious concert of His Word will continually echo within us.  Then we’ll encounter the conductor, our Lord Jesus, the Holy Spirit, who helps us remember the Scriptures, and the Father, who’ll receive glory through all of this.”

    For some people, Scripture memorization comes easily because their capacities for memorization is greater, But even if we are not particularly ‘good’ at it, the habit of memorizing Scripture is a good discipline for us as disciples. Through memorization God’s Words reside in our BODY, in our SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT, in the constant orientation of our will and in the depths of our soul. They become a power, a substance that sustains and directs us without our even thinking of them, and they emerge into conscious thought and action as needed. THIS IS WHAT JESUS SPOKE OF AS ABIDING, DWELLING IN HIM.”

      Therefore I challenge everyone to devote at least 15 minutes a day throughout the 40 days of Lent beginning with Ash Wednesday on March 9^th and ending on Easter Sunday. . I promise you it will not be time wasted. We are not just talking about memorizing phone numbers or answers to test questions or work- related facts. We are talking about eternal truths. God promises that His “Word does not return to Him void” i.e. – without accomplishing the purpose for which he intends [to bring fruit in your life and mine]. God promises to bless all those who meditate on His Words and hide them in our hearts. Begin your time by praying for God to bless you during this Lenten season. He will!

A Good Day

Good day today…

1) My dad did NOT break anything when he fell this morning at 5:00 a.m.

2) Getting the permanent crown wasn’t that bad – I love my dentist.

3) Crystol and her husband bought a house.

4) Anna passed a crucial math test.

5) Wesley, without even being asked, fished all of the outdoor furniture out of the pool

-it’s been frozen in there for 2 ½ weeks.

6) Luke only has 28 lessons of his grade 6 math left – way ahead.

7) My dad’s new diabetic shoes were finally ready.

8) The kids and I got to go out to eat.

9) My mom did NOT break anything when she fell tonight at 10:05 p.m.

Like I said, good day!

Forever Changed

Since publishing my “OKAY Will Come” blog post 6 days ago, I’ve received some great responses and I am so grateful for every one of them!  Thank you!  I’ve been told that the post has been used to encourage widows and widowers that OKAY will come – even if he or she cannot feel it right now.  I have been told that my words were printed out and taken to someone who lost a spouse the very day I published the post.  I have been told that my words were soothing and a blessing to so many people.  One person even wrote “I know that your words are a message from God to others that are hurting.  I praise Him for the child of God that you are, that you are a willing servant, that you allow Him to use your pain and loss to show others that God’s love is real, is true, and that through Him they can have peace, comfort and eternal life.  You have always been such a special person, full of love and God’s light.  I just wanted to let you know…job well done!”

I have been humbled at how intricately God has chosen to use that one post in so many lives.

I have been awed that God has used what I have left to offer

– my written words.

I am blessed.

Again, thank you!

However, for those of you who may have thought I made getting to OKAY sound easy and that I didn’t remember what it felt like to be heartbroken and mired in grief, I decided to post something today that I have not shared on the blog before - a letter I wrote to my Rob.

I also want to share with those who are so very new to this grief walk a glimpse of what it was like for me at 3 weeks – when the nightmare was all so very new.

Although I am living in my OKAY and

I am looking forward to the future,

and I thank God that I'm not at the beginning anymore,

I have not forgotten being there.

I 

will 

never 

forget.

  

In my mind, I can instantly transport myself right back to when I wrote the following letter.

I was sitting at my desk in the parsonage…

just trying to process the fact that Rob was gone.

I wanted to talk to him SO BADLY.

I needed to talk to him SO BADLY.

So I wrote him a letter.

A letter that I knew could never be mailed.

That time period was miserable.

It was heartbreaking.

It was awful.

I remember so well.

I am living proof that God held true to His Word stated in Psalm 34:18:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(What follows was written on Tuesday, October 11, 2011

 – exactly 3 weeks to the day from when my Rob died – 

and it was emailed to family and friends).

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Hi All,

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for all of the prayers for our family at the death of my husband (I've had to stop saying "loss" of my husband because my 8 year old keeps telling me that we did not lose Daddy - we know where he is -his body is in the ground at the church and his spirit and soul are with God.  That Luke - so much like his daddy).  Your prayers are needed, coveted, and are a blessing as my children and I make our way through this time.

We are surviving

- some moments are better than others

but none are good so far.

There have been moments of laughter as the kids would laugh about silly things their dad did or said.  There have been smiles as sweet memories flood in but for the most part, there's been sadness and feelings of loss around our house.  The kids are back in their activities and doing well with that and they have been over to play at friends' houses some.  And family has visited and kept my children company.  All of which has kept their mind focused on something else.  I've had mounds of paperwork dealing with Rob's death and as difficult as it is to explain how hard that has been; at least it's kept my mind busy.  

So again, as we keep trudging along this path we're having to walk, thank you for the prayers and please continue for as long as you are able...  

What follows is a letter I wrote to my Rob today.  Since I cannot deliver it to him, I thought I'd share it with all of you.  

Enveloped in the arms of God - in good times and bad,

Janna Shelton

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

My dearest Rob,

Three weeks…So long ago – yet such a short time ago.

Has it really been 3 weeks since Tuesday morning, September 20, 2011 at 4:13 a.m. when your heart stopped (while still on the ventilator) and you breathed your last breath?

Has it really been 3 weeks and 2 days since I’ve seen your smile, heard you say my name, watched and listened to you preach, or felt your presence in the room?

Time stopped for me on the night of September 18, 2011.

Technically, it was 4:45 a.m. so it was really the 19th but since I was awakened during the night, I believe it will always feel like it was Sunday night.

Has it really been 3 weeks and 1 day since I screamed your name so loudly trying to get you to wake up that I scared our children so much?

I was both so scared and so hopeful when Luke came to get me and told me you were throwing up in his bed where you had fallen asleep earlier that evening while trying to get him to sleep and then when your breathing noises and the throwing up awakened him,

he could not get you to wake up.

You were so “not there” – totally unresponsive - yet you WERE breathing

and your heart rate was strong at that time.

There have been so many times that I have been beside you in our bed just lying there watching you sleep and watching to see if your chest was rising and falling – keeping watch that you were breathing through whatever you were going through at the time – bronchitis, pneumonia, and even the horrible pain of pleurisy.

There were so many times that I was afraid that hairy chest

that I loved snuggling up to would stop rising and falling.

But in reality, I don’t think I ever REALLY thought it could happen until that night.

You always pulled through everything else.

You made it through all of the other bouts of sickness and would return to your normal self.

So I had a small ray of hope that you would pull through this.

You pulled through every other time

- every time that is -

until you didn’t…

Everyone keeps saying that I’m so strong.

I don’t really get that.

I AM relying on God in a way I have never had to before

and I AM confident that it is only through Him

and the strength He is giving me

that I am able to get up every day

and put one foot in front of the other.

But to me, all I am is

a whimpering,

crying,

wounded shell of a person

with no other purpose in life right now

other than trying harder than anything I’ve ever tried to do before

just to hold it together for our children.

The people who think I’m so strong just do not know that,

if it were not FOR THOSE CHILDREN

and if I were given the choice,

I would rather be in heaven WITH you

than here WITHOUT you.

The people who think I’m so strong

just don’t see me when I’m lying in our bed silently screaming

and crying over the fact that you are no longer here

(silently b/c there’s always a child in bed with me since you died –

which is comforting for them and for me).

I awaken every day around 4 am.

Some days I can go back to sleep.

Some days I cannot.

But even before I open my eyelids,

the heaviness of the reality that I now carry

settles in for the day.

I miss you.

We have NEVER been apart this long since the day I met you on April 3, 1993.

Even when I would have to spend long amounts of time

(months at a time)

caring for my parents at their house

or helping pack up their parsonages for another move,

you would come see us all at least once a week.

This is the longest you have ever been apart

from your youngest three children as well.

And the more time that goes by,

the more your presence is missed.

We all miss you so much that it is unbearable.

I miss you, Robert.

I miss you so much that it literally aches.

I’ll never have another chance to rub your head

and play with your hair like you loved so much.

I’ll never have another chance to go to sleep snuggled up to your chest.

I’ll never have another chance to go to sleep with you holding me.

I’ll never have another chance to go to sleep with you massaging my back

when I was in such severe pain that only your touch could help relieve.

I’ll never have another chance to go to sleep holding you

and rubbing your back or your chest so you could breathe better.

I’ll never have another chance to look into those gorgeous eyes

and tell you I love you.

I’ll never have another chance to hear you preach the Word of God.

I’ll never have another chance to tell you I was proud of your preaching.

I’ll never have another chance to say something that would make your face

break out into that slightly crooked glorious smile of yours.

I’ll never have another chance to see your tears fall at a sweet movie or

hear you laugh so loudly at a movie that other patrons turned to look.

I’ll never have another chance to ask you for some information that you had stored

in that head of yours and it take 5 minutes for you to answer me.

I’ll never have another chance to hear you doing your voice impressions of

whoever was asked of you – you really could imitate almost anybody.

I’ll never have another chance to watch you watching Duke games.

I’ll never have another chance to hear you play your guitar.

I’ll never have another chance to watch you being a dad.

I’ll never have another chance to watch you swim with our children –

playing shark and catching them by surprise.

Oh, you were such a great father.

Wesley said that not only has he lost his dad,

but he’s lost his best friend too.

I think we all feel that way.

We have all lost our best friend.

It was that way in this house.

You really were the best friend to every one of us.

Luke walks around looking at your picture saying,

“Papa” and “Daddy”

and then nothing else.

It was so cute the way he had started calling you Papa

as he would snuggle up in your lap

and now

that same sweet sound from our boy

is just so heart wrenching.

You have been my best friend since April 3, 1993

- 18 ½ years -

and you were my husband

AND

my best friend for 17 years, 8 ½ months

- and now you are just gone from earth.  

I know you are with your first Love

– the One Who gave you life –

the one Who is able to hold and comfort you now.

I know you are with the One you love.

I found a journal today from around 2005.

In so many entries written to God,

you ended your entries by signing them with,

“I love You, Robert”

because He was your first and foremost love.

I imagine you running to Him and

having peace as you enjoy being with Him.

I imagine you never having to worry about breathing again

because He is caring for you.

As you wrote around April 2005 in one of the entries I read today…

“I love these verses:

(and then you quoted them)

‘I have carried you since you were born;

I have taken care of you from your birth.

Even when you are old, I will be the same.

Even when you hair turns gray, I will take care of you.

I made you and I will take care of you.’

Isaiah 46: 3,4”
 
So even though your hair was barely starting to turn gray and you were not old, God is still the same and I imagine Him lavishing you with all of the love and care that those of us left on earth can ONLY imagine. 
 
But that doesn’t change the aching of my entire being 

that was caused by 

your dying.

You are gone from earth

– you are gone from being part of our world –

a glaring absence has been created.

You are just gone forever…

and I am forever changed.

With all of my love for you, my Robert Edward Shelton,

Your Janna

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