Janna's View

Saturday, April 16, 2016

April 16th

Today is one of "our" dates...

Rob's and mine...

One that I will always remember...

No matter how much time passes by...

And even if I've moved forward...

I will never forget the magic of our first date...

23 years ago today.

Looking back over my blog, I have only written about this day twice -

- last year and in 2012.

It is affirming to read both posts and notice the growth and healing that took place

between 2012 and 2015

and even on to today in 2016.

But I will never forget the anticipation of my first date with my Rob.

I will never forget the excitement of being in his presence for so many hours.

I will never forget the sweetness of the evening.

I will always be thankful.

And I will always know

that I was and am blessed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What follows is what I wrote in 2015 and in 2012:

Written on Thursday, April 16, 2015

4-16-15

22 years ago right now, I was on my first date with my Rob.

22 years ago tonight, we had dinner at our mutual friends’ house.

22 years ago tonight, he walked in the door with photos of Crystol and, after saying hello, proceeded to “introduce” me to his daughter and tell me all about her.

He made it clear from the beginning that she was his world.

22 years ago tonight, we played Pictionary with our friends after dinner.

22 years ago tonight, after the dinner and the game,

our friends had to get their children to bed

so we said our goodbyes

and walked out of their house.

Not wanting to end the evening,

but since it was 11 p.m.,

we got into my car to talk.

We talked in our friends’ driveway until 3:45 a.m.

If you know me at all,

I’m sure you’re not surprised

that we could talk that late into the night.

However, if you knew Rob at all,

you’d be surprised that

it was Rob that did almost all of the talking.

22 years ago tonight, he told me he was called to the ministry.

He said he had no idea how he was going to make it happen

but that he was bound and determined to see it through.

(He later said he told me then so I would have a chance to run if I wanted to).

22 years ago tonight, he told me his life story, at least the outline of it.

I listened intently and hung on his every word.

22 years ago tonight, I waited for him to kiss me.

It didn’t happen.

I was disappointed.

But it certainly made it more special

when he did

FINALLY

kiss me when we were on our third date.

22 years ago tonight, I started falling in love

with the man I would marry 8 months later.

It was a wonderful night.

One that we ended in prayer –

with Rob asking God to guide us

in this relationship and show us how to proceed.

He did ask if he could hold my hand while we were praying.

Of course I said yes.

And after he finished praying, he didn’t let go of my hand.

He told me later that he kept trying to think of more things to say

just so he could keep holding my hand.

We talked for another hour.

Today was a long day

(which I may or may not write about later)

with it starting with me signing my name or initials and

today’s date at least 20 times.

So, over and over again this morning,

I had to write 4-16-15.

Only twice did I write 4-16-93.

And I didn’t shed a single tear

even though every single time I wrote the date,

a gentle little stab of pain coursed through my veins.

Although it was MUCH better than it

has been in previous years,

it’s still there.

The reality that it’s over rarely hits me hard anymore.

But the memory of the magic of that night

is one that is still so very bittersweet.

Since I can no longer celebrate that date with Rob,
I celebrated it with our sons.

Although they had no idea that’s why we went.

I will always remember all of our “times” and “dates”

and will probably continue to write about them

so that the ones I know are reading my blog

(especially one I talked with tonight)

can be encouraged that, as time goes by,

you will learn to live in the “simultaneous” world

of remembering the great times

(and sometimes maybe even falling apart at those memories)

but also living in your “now”

and going forward.

For me, I no longer feel the need to outwardly

make everything about what was.

Because my life is no longer in what was.

It is in what is.

My sons and I had a great time.

We went to a local place they had never been to before.

(Anna was at her college classes).

It’s a place that’s only open for lunch

and because of homeschooling

and caretaking of my parents

lunch has always been a hard time to get away.

But we made it today.

The food was delicious.

And the company was great!

Even if I did have to tell my boys to stop kicking each other a couple of times!

And I am thankful that,

up until the very end,

God answered Rob's prayer that he prayed

on the night of our very first date.

God guided us up until the very end.

And He is still showing me how to proceed -

as the caretaker of our children,

and as the caretaker of my Rob's memory.

I am blessed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written on Monday, April 16, 2012

April 16, 1993

19 years ago tonight, April 16, 1993, I had my first date with Robert.

Tonight, April 16, 2012, I signed his name on his very last tax return ever...

...as the administrator of his will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday, April 3, 2016

23 Years - April 3, 1993

23 years ago tonight, I met my Rob.

I’ve written much about that day. As I’ve gone through the day today,

I’ve thought about what I might write about the night that changed my life

or if I would even write anything at all this year.

And now, as this day comes to an end

and the clock says that I’ve once again passed the hour

when I was introduced

to the man who changed my world…

the man who loved me enough to make me his wife…

and the man who gave me 4 wonderful children,

I am once again reminded of God’s grace, mercy, and strength.

It’s been 23 years since the night I first said hello to my Rob

and it’s been 4 ½ years since I last said goodbye to him.

I still remember the beginning and the end

as though they were both just yesterday.

I sill miss him more than words can ever express.

But I also still remain so grateful and thankful

that our love story ever happened at all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What follows is something I wrote in May 2013 about the night I met my Rob

and after that is a reposting of my April 3^rd posts from previous years.

(There’s someone reading this blog who wants to read them

and isn't sure how to find them).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written on:

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Where It All Began

Twenty years ago, I was in the beginning stages of falling in love with my Rob.

This is Rob and Crystol in April 1993.

This is the 3 of us in a photo booth not long after we started dating.

Yesterday (Tuesday, May 7, 2013), I visited the place where it all began - the church he attended at the time - the place where I first ever saw his handsome face, first heard him play his guitar as he praised our Lord Jesus Christ, first watched him in front of a congregation as he portrayed Judas in The Last Supper, first heard his voice as he played his part with conviction - and I stood in the spot where I was first introduced to the man who would become my husband.

It wasn't a planned visit but I believe God planned it - much like I believe He planned our meeting 20 years ago. Click here to read about that day. The short version of that night is:

We stood at the back of that church and talked as if no one else was even around. It really was one of those magical, blessed moments that I somehow knew would change my world. I could have stood there all night long drinking in all that I saw in his eyes. He later told me the exact same thing - that he could have stood there all night "swimming in the blue of my eyes."

Yesterday, I needed to be in the town where we met for something and the place I needed to be was only a mile or so from the church where Rob and I met. I had my sons with me so I decided to see if there was someone at the church who would let me show them where I met their dad. I had not been back to this church since we attended the wedding shower they gave us at the time of our marriage.

When I first pulled into the back parking lot and saw where Rob always parked his car,

I almost pulled right back out.

It was IMMEDIATELY that painful.

However, as with many things since Rob's death, I knew I needed to push through my instinct to run away from the pain.
Pushing through the pain has proven to be the labor that births my solace in so many situations since September 2011.

As the associate pastor showed us around, my boys were impressed by the children's area complete with a children's worship area, classrooms, and a game room. Rob would have loved it. It was awesome. I should have gotten more photos of it

Since the associate pastor was not at the church 20 years ago and since I only visited the church a few times (I was a member at a church in another town when I met Rob and he started going to church with me soon after), I first thought the children's area was the old sanctuary where I met Rob and it had been divided up into children's rooms when they finished the new sanctuary.

But as we walked into the sanctuary, I absolutely knew THIS was the room where I met my Rob.

I've talked to many people who have lost a spouse or a close loved one and they have told me that they can "feel" or that they "know" their loved one's presence or spirit is nearby. For me, I've very rarely had that sensation since Rob died. But one time that comes to mind is the last Sunday I was at Mt. Hermon UMC when I walked into the side door for the very last Sunday I would worship in that church. Lots of times when I would get to the church on Sundays, Rob would be right there at that door coming out of his study or coming out of the choir room. That Sunday is the only Sunday morning at Mt. Hermon after he died that I "felt" my Rob. It was just an overwhelming sensation of his presence there waiting for me as I opened the church door that June 10, 2012 morning - almost a deja vu moment. It was so powerful that if someone had not spoken to me right then, I would have probably turned around and walked out for a few minutes.

Yesterday, when I stepped into the sanctuary of this church where I met Rob, I had to take a deep breath to even steady myself. I continued conversing with the associate pastor as if nothing was happening in my mind and in my spirit - but it was. And it is hard to define. I just know that when I turned my head to the left side of the way they have the sanctuary oriented now (pretty sure it was oriented differently 20 years ago) I felt such an overpowering sensation of my Rob that it literally was breathtaking. It was something akin to what I felt 20 years ago when I met him. A breathtaking moment then and a breathtaking moment yesterday. And when I turned toward the sound booth (again, pretty sure it was oriented differently 20 years ago too - in the middle of the back instead of off to the side like it is now), the sensation got even more powerful. You see, it was in front of that sound booth where Rob and I were first introduced and we stood and talked that very first time we met - the time when neither one of us wanted to leave each other's presence.

As I continued to talk with the associate pastor and as I watched my sons walk around this church where their father and I met, my mind swirled with the thoughts that I hoped Rob could see it all. I hoped he could see his sons checking out the stage in the church where he had played for years on the praise team. I hoped he could see his sons close to the altar of this church where he told me he prayed so much for a Godly wife and more children. And I even hoped, for a moment, that he could see my tears because being back where it all began was making me miss him all over again.

It never ceases to amaze me how many dimensions there are to missing him.

The associate pastor gave me the cell number of Rob's best friend at this church, Ray. Ray was a groomsman and he played his guitar for the singers at our wedding.

Ray and Rob were both guitar players at their church and they were very close during the 5 years Rob attended church with him. I wish we had not lost touch with Ray over the years but it just sort of happened. Rob moved out of that town when we married. Rob got busy with seminary, the ministry, having more children, and just life in general. But he never forgot his friend. I have found Ray's name and the names of all of his friends from this church and the church as a whole listed in many of Rob's prayer journals, especially when we heard that the church was going through a church split and the original church was renamed. He never forgot this church and what it meant to him at a time when he so needed what they offered. In fact, this plaque he received from the church hung in every study he occupied in his 17 years of ministry - right alongside his diplomas and degrees.

After the boys and I left the church, I called Ray as I sat in the parking lot. It was both a wonderful and a painful conversation. I had tried to find Ray and his wife, Ronda in the days after Rob died but the number I had in my book was not right so he did not know Rob had died. Having to tell someone is like reliving it all again. But that wasn't the most painful part of the conversation. From my experience with Ray, he is an encourager. And he really loved Rob. He was saying such wonderful things about the Rob I fell in love with - my Rob - and with every word, it felt like there was a knife piercing my heart all over again. Ray was telling me how much he cared about Rob and what a great friend he was. Ray said Rob was so full of integrity, so much the real deal, so genuine, and was so dedicated and loyal. Ray also said wonderful things about me. Ray said that they had been praying for a wife for Rob and that they were all so happy when God sent Rob a good woman. Ray told me he so much wanted his friends to be happy and that he had never seen Rob happier than when I came into his life. Ray, speaking with that smile you can just hear in his voice, said, "I'm the kind of person who likes to see my friends happy and I can tell you this, Janna. You made Rob happy!"

It was wonderful to hear those words. But at the same time, it was heartbreaking.

Simultaneous seems to be the definition of my life now.

It was so soothing and yet so sad to hear Ray talk about the time period in which I was falling in love with my Rob. It was good to be reminded of that time from someone who was there.

Falling in love with my Rob was so much fun.

Remembering that yesterday was good -

even through the searing pain of knowing it is over.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Written on:

Friday, April 3, 2015

22 Years - April 3, 1993

Today, April 3, 2015, marks 22 years since I met my Rob.

And the blunt truth is that, although I had thought of it leading up to the date, I was actually awake for over 4 hours this morning before I even thought about today and what it meant. And it would have probably been longer if my FB page didn’t remind me that I had posted about it last year.

I would have remembered when I sat down to work on bills and I had to write the date but I honestly did not even think of it this morning. In fact, I had not thought about it since 2 days ago because April 1^st always brings to mind the memories of that April twenty-two years ago
when I met my Rob.

My first instinct was to just let this day pass by with only me remembering it.

But I have some friends who have become widows and widowers in this past year

and I know they read my blog.

I know that some of them,
just as I did in the beginning,

are looking for hope that the pain gets better.

For them, I am posting today.

As I read over what I have written on this date for the past 3 years

(I will repost those below this post),

I can certainly see the “shifts” taking place.

The first year, pure agony and longing were dominant.

The second year, pure sadness and "loss of the future" feelings were dominant.

The third year, pure “missingness” and appreciation of what had been were dominant.

This year,

well,

honoring what was

and all that it meant to me

and, at the same time,

looking forward to what God may have for me in the future

would be dominant.

And the fact that I was awake for over 4 hours before I even remembered

or noticed the date does not mean that I forgot.

In fact, I will never,
nor should I ever,
forget that day.

I can instantly transplant my mind and emotions

to that moment in time

when I was standing before him

talking with him for the first time!

On that night,

I knew

that I knew

that Rob would change my world.

And he did.

I have not forgotten that

“chills all over” specialness

of that first time seeing him.

And I certainly have not forgotten what it felt like to fall in love with him.

It was a glorious time!

But not thinking of this date today for over 4 hours of being awake

does mean,

to me,

that
life
is dominant now.

And that, my friends, is hope.

Hope for you that your memories will become sweet…

Hope for you that the pain does get better…

And hope for you that God holds your future

in His very capable Hands.

I actually have the audacity to pray and hope

that I will fall in love again
and that God will bless me with another marriage.

After having lived through loss,

I know I would appreciate it and savor it

on an entirely different level.

But whatever God holds for me in the future,

whether it be another marriage

or an entire lifetime of widowhood,

I will trust Him with it

and trust that He will provide the grace

that each will call for.

He has held me tightly

as I’ve walked this pathway

that I never chose to walk.

I have every bit of faith that He will continue to do so.

As I look back this year,

to the year I met my Rob;

I look back with;

gratefulness that I met him,

tender memories of the love he had for me,

sweet memories of the love I had for him,

forever appreciation for the children he fathered,

and thankfulness to God

that it happened at all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written on:

Thursday, April 3, 2014

21 years - April 3, 2014

I met Rob 21 years ago today.

And my world came alive

in a way I had never known before.

It is has been so difficult as this day has approached.

Since grief has visited me so differently for the last while (a good differently), I really didn't expect the difficulty with dealing with all of Rob's and my April anniversaries this year.

But the most important thing I've learned about this "new normal" of mine is that

nothing is ever as expected and nothing is ever normal

and grief shows up whenever it chooses.

Anyway, I really do not think it would have been the same degree of difficulty except that Anna is a senior this year and we are going to graduation meetings and I'm hearing people being nominated to speak at her graduation ceremony. I had to work really hard to not cry at this last meeting because I was remembering the time when Anna was little (Kindergarten or so) and I had been to a homeschool meeting where we lived then. They were discussing graduation and I came home and told Rob that he needed to start working now on what he might would say if he were chosen to speak when our kids graduate (my dad did the baccalaureate at ours).

Rob made up a speech right then.

I wish I could remember it.

And for the last couple of weeks, Anna and I have been going through photos to choose what she wants to put in her yearbook and for her graduation ceremony.

Thus, for what is needed for my daughter's and my PRESENT world,

I've had to relive, through the photos, my past life with Rob.

I have a very photographic memory - I do not mean the kind of photographic memory where I remember everything I ever see or read - I mean that I have a vivid memory of almost every photo I've ever taken and when I see one of my photos, I can almost immediately, emotionally, be transplanted back into the moment.

It's just how my memory works. My memory is not usually an active moving film.

It's usually a series of still photos flashing through my mind.

So, for the last couple of weeks, as I've gone through all of our family photos

(and there are thousands and thousands),

I've lived it all again.

I've smiled and laughed and cried as I've lived, through the photos;

our wedding, the birth of our children, birthdays, vacations, dance recitals,

college move-in days, baptisms, moves to different churches,

preschool, high school, college, and graduate school graduations,

serious moments, silly moments, and so on and so on and so on.

And, once again, I have been so keenly aware of all I've lost.

And I really did lose so much of that past - I lost it in a very important way.

There is no one else in the world who lived it with me other than Rob.

I think one of the things that surprised me about not having the man I had made a life with is how much having that someone to "remember with" matters.

It's almost as if,

since there is no one else to "bounce" the memory ball around with,

it didn't even happen.

Someone told me that I dwell too much on remembered dates and memories and such.

I don't agree.

I get up every day and rarely talk about any of it.

I take care of my children and my parents

and I keep going.

I rarely even speak of Rob anymore

because most of the people around me

didn't even know him

and do not remember.

And unlike when he first died,

it's not the first thing that hits my mind when I first awake.

But I do always remember the dates.

I'm a date person.

I still remember that January 3rd is my 6th grade boyfriend's birthday and one of my high school boyfriend's birthday is October 19th and one of my college boyfriend's birthday is March 26th.

It's just the way my mind works.

When Rob was alive and I would say to someone on an April 3rd that it was 15 years since Rob and I met, the response would be something like,

"Aww, that's so sweet that you remember all of your dates - that's some kind of love."

Now that he's dead, if I happen to mention it to someone, the response can be something like,

"You really should try and move on and not dwell on those dates."

I never quite know how to respond to those comments.

But I do know that it's the same as when he was alive.

I remember that first April 3rd day as if it were yesterday.

And I don't even have any photos of it.

I don't need them to remember that day.

Those photos live in my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written on:

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

20 years - April 3, 1993

Twenty years ago today, I met my Rob.

During our life together, we had discussed this day many times.

It was to be the beginning of our year of celebration.

20 years since we met.

20 years since our first date.

20 years since our first kiss.

20 years since he asked me to marry him.

All leading up to our 20th wedding anniversary on January 1, 2014.

We had talked of taking a cruise for our 20th.

Instead, I am chartering waters without him.

And, without even meaning to, I am counting time backward instead of counting time forward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written on:

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

April 3, 1993

19 years ago today, I met him.

19 years ago today, I was wearing this outfit to go with Emilie to the Easter Drama, The Last Supper, at their church. I had just turned 25 years old 4 days earlier.

19 years ago today, I first laid eyes on Robert Edward Shelton. And I immediately thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen.

19 years ago today, he was dressed to portray the role of Judas. I wish I had pictures. He had a full beard. He was barefooted. I noticed he had hairy feet.

19 years ago today, his church had praise and worship singing before the drama began.

19 years ago today, he was playing his guitar in the praise band the first time I ever saw him.

19 years ago today, he was bouncing up and down while playing his guitar - playing with such exuberance, praising our God.

(May 1993)

19 years ago today, I watched him move about and heard him speak with such conviction during the drama as his character was betraying our Jesus - and I noticed the pain on his face as he threw the silver coins as he portrayed his character's guilt and remorse over that betrayal. I admired how deeply he felt the pain.

19 years ago today, I watched as his character went off to die.

19 years ago today, he changed clothes after the drama before coming out to meet me for the first time. He changed into blue polyester golf pants and a golf shirt. I still thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen.

19 years ago today, we stood at the back of that church and talked as if no one else was even around. It really was one of those magical, blessed moments that I somehow knew would change my world. I could have stood there all night long drinking in all that I saw in his eyes. He later told me the exact same thing - that he could have stood there all night "swimming in the blue of my eyes." However, I was riding with Emilie and she had a young son to get into bed. She had to come tell me it was time to go at least 2 times, maybe more.

19 years ago today, I left my Rob's presence reluctantly but I felt a peace about him and somehow I knew he would become part of my life.

(June 1993 - this was before it happened but this picture was taken on the day he proposed)

6 months ago, I watched as he - not a character he was portraying in a drama - lay dying. I remember noticing, from the first moment that we found him unconscious, that there did not seem to be any pain showing on his face and I gave thanks for that then and now...

...but as I caught a glimpse of my face in the glass pane there in ICU and as I looked around at our children and our families and friends, I saw reflected the pain on all of our faces as we had to reluctantly let go of being in his presence.

19 years ago today, I came home from that Easter drama and thanked God for allowing me to meet

Robert Edward Shelton.

(August 1993 - in the Bahamas - on a one day cruise there and back)

Today, my prayer is the same.

"Thank you God, that 19 years ago, I met my Rob. I imagine him bouncing up and down praising You with such exuberance that it is magnified thousands and thousands of times since that time when I first saw him praising You 19 years ago. I imagine him being free of all issues and only because I imagine him being in Your presence can I even begin to deal with the fact that he is not in mine.

Thank you for that peace!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*P.S. "WOW."

Our internet at the parsonage is out today and they said it will be out until sometime tomorrow so I came up to the church to publish this post. I was proofreading it once more before I hit "publish." I have had the radio on K-Love the entire time I've been here. Just before I hit "publish," the song, "I Can Only Imagine" came on and it is playing as I type these words. So, to add another prayer---

"Thank you God, for that reminder, that Rob is indeed "forever praising and worshipping You."

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Beneath The Cross

Beneath the cross of Jesus
I fain would take my stand,
the shadow of a mighty rock
within a weary land;
a home within the wilderness,
a rest upon the way,
from the burning of the noontide heat,
and the burden of the day.

Upon that cross of Jesus
mine eye at times can see
the very dying form of One
who suffered there for me;
and from my stricken heart with tears
two wonders I confess:
the wonders of redeeming love
and my unworthiness.

I take, O cross, thy shadow
for my abiding place;
I ask no other sunshine than
the sunshine of his face;
content to let the world go by,
to know no gain nor loss,
my sinful self my only shame,
my glory all the cross.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“BENEATH THE CROSS OF JESUS”

The United Methodist Hymnal Number 297
Text: Elizabeth C. Clephane, 1872
Music: Frederick C. Maker, 1881
~~~~~~~~~~

(Photo is from our church's Easter Sunrise Service).