One Year Here

It's hard to believe it but we have lived in this house for a year today.  When we were living in parsonages, our kids called this house our "forever home," one that would always be ours.  But since Rob and I had planned for this house to be our retirement home, I never thought my kids would live here full time, yet Anna turned 16 living here.  Wesley turned 13 and Luke turned 10.  We are still not really settled in because of all of the house issues/repairs still going on but we are living well and God is faithful.  An entire year.  Hard to believe.

What follows are 2 "rerun" posts - the post from last June - the day after we moved here.

And the post I wrote about this house and what it's meant to me.

Posted on Thursday, June 14, 2012

Out and In

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

We are OUT of the parsonage (pulled out of the driveway at 2:34 a.m. last night/this morning)

And we are IN our house (pulled in the driveway at 3:08 a.m. last night/this morning)

God was with us in the transition

And I am SO THANKFUL for God's providence that Rob and I had this house for 6 years before his death

But it was so very hard to leave the parsonage

Even when we were FINALLY ready to leave 

The kids did not want to leave

So we walked around the house 

Talking about the empty rooms - when they were not empty - 

About when one family member was not missing

And me reminding them that the empty rooms aren't what holds our memories

After an hour of walking around empty rooms, taking pictures of each other in those rooms, Luke taking videos with the iPad, and some crying, we finally left

The kids asked to stay and watch as the garage door closed one last time - so we did

It's always hard to move.

But it's so much harder to disassemble a family life together knowing that, this time, when we get to the new place we will be starting a different family life without one of its members. 

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Posted on Sunday, February 26, 2012

The House

Thankful - Day 5 - Feb. 26, 2012

What we are thankful for today: 

Anna - I am thankful for my sister, Crystol.

Wesley - I am thankful for Tae Kwon Do.

Luke - I am thankful that we have a vehicle.

Janna - I am thankful that my children and I will have a place to go come June.
I am grateful for my house... 

...THE HOUSE (written January 8th, 2012) 

Long ago, my paternal grandparents had a dream.  I wasn’t around for that dream but I am now reaping the benefit of their desire.

Long ago, my Heavenly Father had a dream.  I wasn’t around for that dream but I am now reaping the benefit of His planning.

Long ago, my paternal grandparents wanted a house of their very own.

Long ago, my Heavenly Father knew I would need a house of my very own.

Long ago, my paternal grandparents made a way to build their very own house and I’m sure they delighted in moving into that house - with their very own dreams for the future and what all that the house would hold and foster for what they wanted for their family – and they lived out their lives and their family dreams in their house.

Long ago, my Heavenly Father made a way to plant dreams in my mind and desires in my heart that would start my very own plans for the future and what all those dreams would hold and foster for what I wanted for my family – but my family dreams would start and end in parsonages.

Not too long ago, when my paternal grandparents’ house was transferred from one grandchild to another and the house was moved across the street, none of us knew what the future would hold...

...BUT GOD DID.

(the 2005 notebook that held all of the papers, permits, etc. for the move of the house - notice the Scripture I held onto during that process - Psalm 42:11 - same as now)

Long ago, the Lord knew it had to be done somehow.  Long ago, the Lord saw His provision.  In different ways, the homestead place became a way to provide for one of my paternal grandparents’ sons and two of their grandchildren – one through the original land with a new house and the others through the original house with old family land that was new to them.

It so humbles me to feel and think and know that way back then – when my paternal grandparents dreamed of their very own house that God not only saw their dreams realized of raising their six children in the home and having the house being the provision for them – but that EVEN THEN my God also saw this house as His provision for me when I would need it most – when I was left widowed in a parsonage with young children still at home to finish raising to adulthood.  He saw it as His provision that my children would live in the rooms and walk the halls and run up and down the same stairs that their grandfather, great-aunts, and great-uncles did.  He saw it as His provision for them and for me – EVEN THEN.

I will admit and I can certainly say that I am not delighted to be moving into the house because of my widowhood.  I wish that I could be moving into the house with my husband in our retirement years as we had planned.  But I can still certainly say that knowing I have that house has been a hope and a comfort -  knowing that I have a “homeplace,” and knowing that even long ago God had and now He still does have a plan for my children and for me.  And I know that I, just as my paternal grandparents did, will move into that house with my very own hopes for the future and hopes for all that the house will hold and foster for what I want for my family --- and maybe, just maybe, that will be the beginning of some new dreams that I have yet, in the present, to even muster the strength to imagine.

Not Easier - Yes, Different - But Not Easier

As I've been working on unpacking and sorting through some more things this last couple of days, I have come across many items that bring back so many memories - good and bad.  

But the thing that struck me the most were a couple of notes that Luke wrote not long 

after his dad died.  

He was supposed to be working on his math the day he handed me these notes.  

DeD = SAD  (Translation: Dead = Sad)

DeD + HeviN = i Am SAD  (Translation: Dead + Heaven = I Am Sad)

An 8 year old little boy had lost his dad.

  

And even at 8, he knew what the subtraction of his father from his life meant.
Even when he was supposed to be working on addition - he knew that the loss of his father, 

while it was Heaven's gain, 

really only added up to sadness for him. 

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Please say a prayer for my friend, Marisol, and her children, Jael, Victoria, and Joseph.  Richard, Marisol's husband and her children's father, died 1 year ago today.  Their children were the same age when their dad died as my children were when their dad died.  

Click here and here to read about them.

When I reminded my sons (Anna was still at the theatre for her play) to pray for their family because it was 1 year since Richard's death, Wesley said, "Oh, the death day.  That 1st anniversary is hard.  But we can think of it as Richard's first 're' birth day - his 1st one in Heaven - just like we did for Dad."

I have smart children!

31

She is 31 today.

My oldest child.  The child who made me a mother.

My stepdaughter.

Who is as much my child as the 3 children I carried in my womb.

My oldest daughter.  She came as a package deal with her father.

He walked into our very first date carrying a photo of her.

He made it clear she was his priority.  I admired that.

It seems like just yesterday that she first became a part of my life as I was falling deeply in love with her father...and with her.

I cannot even remember what life was like without her.

I met my Crystol Erin 20 years ago in the spring of 1993.  She was 10 - almost 11.

Now she is turning 31.  How can that even be?

She and I - we've gone through a lot together.

She taught me how to parent.

She's the first one I taught how to do so many things - like how to drive and so many more things that are private.

She's the first one who taught me so many things - like how to love a child unconditionally and so many more things that are private.

She's the first one I watched walk across a high school graduation stage, a bachelor's degree graduation stage, a master's degree graduation stage, and then a second master's degree graduation stage.

She's the first one we moved in and out of dorm rooms and apartments during the college years.

She was in the delivery room when I gave birth to Luke.  She was 20 1/2 then.

She's the first one I had to let go of when she became an adult.

She's the first one I watched walk down her wedding aisle, on the arm of her brother... 

...to marry the love of her life.  

She's the only child of mine who was there both the day I married her dad and the day we watched him die.

As I said - she and I - we've been though a lot together.

And she has brought me such joy over the years- this oldest child of mine.

(her June 3rd birthday, 2012)

I did not carry this daughter in my womb and I did not give birth to her.

But she, along with my other 3 children, will always be carried in my heart.

Happy 31st Birthday, my Crystol Erin!

I love you!

Mother's Day 2013

My children are the best.  They really are.  Anna took them all to the store yesterday.  They presented their gifts to me right before we left for church.

Anna gave me a jewelry/ring holder.

Wesley gave me a card and 13 flowers he picked for me.  He said they represented the 13 years that he has gotten to have me for a mom.

Luke gave me a million dollars wrapped around a candy bar, some other candy, a necklace, and 3 cards.

And they all went together and bought me a very nice silver cross necklace.  

I have great kids.

Wesley read the scripture today at church.  He looks so grown up.

This is my corsage that Anna gave me.  Isn't it beautiful?

This is Luke leaning against me during church...

...and thus crushing the corsage.  

But it just made me smile because it just means that I still have a child wanting to lean on me! 

A couple of photos of my sons...

We had lunch with my Uncle Raymond (my dad's brother) and my Aunt Jane and their family.

It was delicious!

And even though we only live a hundred yards or so from my uncle's house, my Wesley said that since we were going "out to eat" could he please drive his dad's car from our driveway to Raymond's?  This is the car he wants to drive when he is 16 "because it was his dad's" so one of his jobs is to drive it around our circle drive to keep it charged.  He loves it and he is a good driver already.  So I let him drive it to lunch.

And even though I do not have any photos, I did spend time with my mother today as well.  We were in and out of her house all day today.  I still cannot believe I did not take one single photo of her.  But she loved all of her Mother's Day cards and gifts from her  children.

My Crystol called me and talked about an hour.  And my son-in-law texted his Mother's Day wishes to me.  No photos of these either.

Yesterday when my children got home from their Mother's Day shopping, Luke said with such anticipation in his voice, "Tomorrow is going to be your best Mother's Day ever!"
He was SO excited!

I told him I couldn't wait!

Today, close to the end of the day, Luke came up to me and asked,
"Was it your best Mother's Day ever?"  

My answer...

"Other than your dad not being here, sweetheart, it certainly was!"

Where It All Began

Twenty years ago, I was in the beginning stages of falling in love with my Rob.

This is Rob and Crystol in April 1993.

This is the 3 of us in a photo booth not long after we started dating.

Yesterday (Tuesday, May 7, 2013), I visited the place where it all began - the church he attended at the time - the place where I first ever saw his handsome face, first heard him play his guitar as he praised our Lord Jesus Christ, first watched him in front of a congregation as he portrayed Judas in The Last Supper, first heard his voice as he played his part with conviction - and I stood in the spot where I was first introduced to the man who would become my husband.

It wasn't a planned visit but I believe God planned it - much like I believe He planned our meeting 20 years ago.   Click here to read about that day.  The short version of that night is:

We stood at the back of that church and talked as if no one else was even around.  It really was one of those magical, blessed moments that I somehow knew would change my world.  I could have stood there all night long drinking in all that I saw in his eyes.  He later told me the exact same thing - that he could have stood there all night "swimming in the blue of my eyes." 

Yesterday, I needed to be in the town where we met for something and the place I needed to be was only a mile or so from the church where Rob and I met.  I had my sons with me so I decided to see if there was someone at the church who would let me show them where I met their dad.  I had not been back to this church since we attended the wedding shower they gave us at the time of our marriage.   

When I first pulled into the back parking lot and saw where Rob always parked his car, 

I almost pulled right back out.

It was IMMEDIATELY that painful. 

However, as with many things since Rob's death, I knew I needed to push through my instinct to run away from the pain.
Pushing through the pain has proven to be the labor that births my solace in so many situations since September 2011.

As the associate pastor showed us around, my boys were impressed by the children's area complete with a children's worship area, classrooms, and a game room.  Rob would have loved it.  It was awesome.  I should have gotten more photos of it  

Since the associate pastor was not at the church 20 years ago and since I only visited the church a few times (I was a member at a church in another town when I met Rob and he started going to church with me soon after), I first thought the children's area was the old sanctuary where I met Rob and it had been divided up into children's rooms when they finished the new sanctuary.

But as we walked into the sanctuary, I absolutely knew THIS was the room where I met my Rob.

I've talked to many people who have lost a spouse or a close loved one and they have told me that they can "feel" or that they "know" their loved one's presence or spirit is nearby.  For me, I've very rarely had that sensation since Rob died.  But one time that comes to mind is the last Sunday I was at Mt. Hermon UMC when I walked into the side door for the very last Sunday I would worship in that church.  Lots of times when I would get to the church on Sundays, Rob would be right there at that door coming out of his study or coming out of the choir room.  That Sunday is the only Sunday morning at Mt. Hermon after he died that I "felt" my Rob.  It was just an overwhelming sensation of his presence there waiting for me as I opened the church door that June 10, 2012 morning - almost a deja vu moment.  It was so powerful that if someone had not spoken to me right then, I would have probably turned around and walked out for a few minutes.

Yesterday, when I stepped into the sanctuary of this church where I met Rob, I had to take a deep breath to even steady myself.  I continued conversing with the associate pastor as if nothing was happening in my mind and in my spirit - but it was.  And it is hard to define.  I just know that when I turned my head to the left side of the way they have the sanctuary oriented now (pretty sure it was oriented differently 20 years ago) I felt such an overpowering sensation of my Rob that it literally was breathtaking.  It was something akin to what I felt 20 years ago when I met him.  A breathtaking moment then and a breathtaking moment yesterday. And when I turned toward the sound booth (again, pretty sure it was oriented differently 20 years ago too - in the middle of the back instead of off to the side like it is now), the sensation got even more powerful.  You see, it was in front of that sound booth where Rob and I were first introduced and we stood and talked that very first time we met - the time when neither one of us wanted to leave each other's presence.

As I continued to talk with the associate pastor and as I watched my sons walk around this church where their father and I met, my mind swirled with the thoughts that I hoped Rob could see it all.  I hoped he could see his sons checking out the stage in the church where he had played for years on the praise team.  I hoped he could see his sons close to the altar of this church where he told me he prayed so much for a Godly wife and more children.  And I even hoped, for a moment, that he could see my tears because being back where it all began was making me miss him all over again.  

It never ceases to amaze me how many dimensions there are to missing him.

The associate pastor gave me the cell number of Rob's best friend at this church, Ray.  Ray was a groomsman and he played his guitar for the singers at our wedding.  

Ray and Rob were both guitar players at their church and they were very close during the 5 years Rob attended church with him. I wish we had not lost touch with Ray over the years but it just sort of happened.  Rob moved out of that town when we married.  Rob got busy with seminary, the ministry, having more children, and just life in general.  But he never forgot his friend.  I have found Ray's name and the names of all of his friends from this church and the church as a whole listed in many of Rob's prayer journals, especially when we heard that the church was going through a church split and the original church was renamed.  He never forgot this church and what it meant to him at a time when he so needed what they offered.  In fact, this plaque he received from the church hung in every study he occupied in his 17 years of ministry - right alongside his diplomas and degrees.  

After the boys and I left the church, I called Ray as I sat in the parking lot.  It was both a wonderful and a painful conversation.  I had tried to find Ray and his wife, Ronda in the days after Rob died but the number I had in my book was not right so he did not know Rob had died.  Having to tell someone is like reliving it all again.  But that wasn't the most painful part of the conversation.  From my experience with Ray, he is an encourager.  And he really loved Rob.  He was saying such wonderful things about the Rob I fell in love with - my Rob - and with every word, it felt like there was a knife piercing my heart all over again.  Ray was telling me how much he cared about Rob and what a great friend he was.  Ray said Rob was so full of integrity, so much the real deal, so genuine, and was so dedicated and loyal.  Ray also said wonderful things about me.  Ray said that they had been praying for a wife for Rob and that they were all so happy when God sent Rob a good woman.  Ray told me he so much wanted his friends to be happy and that he had never seen Rob happier than when I came into his life.  Ray, speaking with that smile you can just hear in his voice, said, "I'm the kind of person who likes to see my friends happy and I can tell you this, Janna.  You made Rob happy!"  

It was wonderful to hear those words.  But at the same time, it was heartbreaking.

Simultaneous seems to be the definition of my life now.

It was so soothing and yet so sad to hear Ray talk about the time period in which I was falling in love with my Rob.  It was good to be reminded of that time from someone who was there. 

Falling in love with my Rob was so much fun.

Remembering that yesterday was good -

even through the searing pain of knowing it is over.