Three Years

My daddy has been gone for 3 years today.

I’ve missed him a lot lately.

In fact, one day during this past week,

I went over to his house

(which is only 30 feet away from my house)

and sat in his chair and cried.

But, in those same moments,

I gave thanks.

For my daddy.

For all he was to me.

For all he was to all of my family.

For all he was to everyone he knew.

And I gave thanks that he is not dying right now.

I gave thanks that he did not die alone in a hospital room.

I gave thanks that his Jackie

and all three of us children

were able to be with him.

For him and for us.

I cannot imagine all of the patients and families

in our world right now having to face that reality.

Even in the midst of all that is going on in our world right now,

there is much to be thankful for.

I was blessed to be the daughter

of Rev. James William Caviness, Jr.

otherwise known as Daddy.

I miss him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What follows is what I said at his funeral.

Monday, April 24, 2017

What I Said At My Daddy's Funeral

A LIFE WELL LIVED AND A MINISTRY WELL SERVED.

HATE is not a strong enough word for how I feel about dementia.

LOVE is not a strong enough word for how I feel about my daddy.

But oh, how I’ve learned from them both.

I was blessed to have the best father in the world.

He was my hero.

He simply was the best man ever.

His strength tempered by his humanness taught me so much about how to live life

and ultimately, how to face death.

Today is truly a celebration of a life well lived and a ministry well served.

It is a good day for a good man

and he would want nothing less than for me to say, as he would have said,

“I’m thankful it’s as good as it is!”

So I will say it and you can say it with me!  “I am thankful it’s as good as it is.”

Because today, we can CELEBRATE a man, whose heart was so pure and big that, when the doctor was giving me the results of the last test done on his heart just hours before his death, she said that it was sort of like his heart was too strong because one part showed that it was “extra” thick because it was “bulked up by having been worked so hard like a body builder would work his arm muscle.”

I know she was giving me a medical explanation for how the blood flow was actually being constricted by this extra thickness but all I could think in that moment was 

how fittingly that described my father.

Here a doctor was, medically telling me that my daddy had a big and strong heart muscle.

Well, that was something I’ve known my entire lifetime.

And all I could think right then was how his heart was so big and extra strong because he spent his life with his heart getting bigger and bigger with all of the love he felt for everyone he came in contact with and his heart getting stronger and stronger because he spent his lifetime 

working his heart out as a

body of Christ builder

“bulking up” God’s Kingdom!

So what a CELEBRATION of LOVE today should be and is!

And my daddy sure did LOVE!

With unconditional patience and unconditional sacrifice,

my daddy LOVED!

My daddy loved his God – his precious Jesus.

Everything in his life pointed to his love for God.

And his goal in life was to point everyone he met to find this love for Jesus too!

One of my verses for the day that I have emailed to me daily yesterday said,

“God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they shall see God.”

I can only imagine my daddy’s love and excitement as he saw God because 

I cannot imagine anyone in this world with more of a pure heart!

­My daddy loved his Jackie and his children and his grandchildren.

He was married to his bride, Jackie Sue, for 54 years, 3 months, 1 week, and 5 days.

And in every one of those days, he spoiled her with every fiber of his being because he simply loved her unconditionally with every ounce of energy his heart could ever produce.  I’ve never seen such a pure love than I witnessed over the life of my parents’ marriage.         The day before he died, I promised him I would take care of his Jackie.  He looked at me and, in a lucid moment out of his dementia, replied, “Promise?” to which I said, “I promise!”  

His next words were, “Then leave me alone and let me die.”

He was father to 3 – my sister, Joan, my brother, Jamie, and me.  And he loved us.  He did everything within his power to do everything he ever thought we needed.  He even made us Easter baskets every year until we were well into our 40’s.  And he waited for all 3 of us to be at his side before he passed on to see his Jesus.  I joked with him once that the reason he and Mama named us all with “J’s” was so that we would all be in the same name family as Jesus – the “J” family.   Well, he waited for all of the “J” family to be together one last time as we all, Jimmie, Jackie, Joan, Jamie, and Janna, spent one last night together – one last slumber party sleeping and not sleeping in one room as we loved on him and watched him slip away to his reward.  As hard as it was, it was a blessed and sacred night that I will treasure in my memory for as long as ever I can.

And the grandchildren.  He spoiled them too!  He would push them on swings, play in sandboxes, play ball, and stop everything he was doing to go buy chocolate ice cream after he had only bought vanilla – just because one grandchild only liked chocolate!

My daddy loved his family and friends.

He was part of a big family and he married into a big family.  And he had a multitude of friends from childhood and all parts of his life.  He loved you all!  He would do whatever was needed for every single one of you and I don’t think any one of you ever doubted that!

And my daddy loved his church people, also known as his friends!

You, his church people, were his life’s work.

You were his calling.

You were his life’s blood that kept him going.

But more than all of that,

you were his friends!

And I think every one of you knew that.

As someone recently said to me,

“He could remember my middle brother’s wife’s father’s dog’s name!”

His great memory and attention and care for not only the salvation of his church people but also the daily lives of all of you also made him a friend to you.

He loved all of you dearly!

And thank you for loving him the same!

What a legacy of love we have to CELEBRATE and TREASURE in all that my father has taught us simply by living and by loving his Jesus and loving us all!

We would all do well to follow my daddy’s exemplary lifelong presentation of living out John Wesley’s Rule, which, by the way, he was already doing as a child and young man way before he knew what John Wesley’s Rule even was:

John Wesley’s Rule:

Do all the good you can,

By all the means you can,

In all the ways you can,

In all the places you can,

At all the times you can,

To all the people you can,

As long as ever you can.

I always knew my daddy was brilliant and strong, but as I watched death give way to victory over the last few days and hours of my daddy’s life, I gained an even greater respect for my daddy’s intellect, an even greater perspective on his strength tempered by his humanness, and I was simply in awe of how deeply ingrained the Word of God was into his spirit, heart, and mind – even in his state of dementia.

As I was grasping for anything that might comfort my daddy in his last 2 days, I was reading Scripture to him.  Not knowing if I would get a response or not, I asked him what he wanted to hear.  Without hesitation, he replied Psalm 28.  So, out of the Gideon Bible provided by the hospital b/c the one I brought with me was way too small print for me to see well, I read Psalm 28 not even knowing what it was (b/c I’m not my dad and I sure don’t have the entire Bible memorized!).  If I ever doubted my dad’s ability to know what Scripture was needed in a certain situation, 

that moment forever erased it all.

In the pain of his last days, my daddy would raise his hands and say, “I need help.”

The Scripture he requested in his last 2 days is printed on the back of your bulletin.

I will read 4 of the verses:  Psalm 28: 2, 6, 7, and 8

Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help,

when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary.

Blessed be the LORD! For He has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;

my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him.

The LORD is the strength of His people;

He is the saving refuge of His anointed.

I was a witness to how God answered my dad’s pleas.

As my daddy got closer to meeting his Jesus and not too long after my mama had arrived to the hospital, my daddy sat up and in his strength tempered by his humanness, he said,

“I don’t have the knowledge to know how to do this.”

To which I immediately replied, “Oh yes you do, Daddy.  You’ve been preaching it your entire lifetime!  You know exactly what to do, how to do it, and where to go and you just keep doing it.  You are doing a great job!  You just keep going to where you know to go.  You are the best man ever and you can do this.  Just keep going, Daddy, just keep going.”

A little while later, he sat back up and said, “Lord, I need your help – just one more time. 
Just one more time, Lord, I need your help.”

A little while later, he sat back up and said, “I’m SO EXCITED! I’m SO EXCITED!”

My personal belief, as I heard my daddy say those words, is that he was getting a glimpse of heaven and what was in store for him in the next hours.  Maybe he was even responding to hearing our God say, “Well done, thy good and faithful servant.  Well done.”

Lastly, I feel sure that my daddy would want nothing less today than for me to tell you that 

he would want you to someday know that excitement too!

In your bulletin, you should find a piece of paper with my daddy’s handwriting on it.  

It is something he made for a revival he preached for my late husband at one of our churches 

over 20 years ago.  I came across it 5 or so years ago and held onto it just for today.

Just as God rescued my daddy from his pain, God can rescue you too!

Whether you need to know more about asking Jesus Christ to be your Lord and Savior for the very first time or whether you just want encouragement in the things of the Lord, today is your chance!

If you have a need, please fill in my daddy’s paper and give it to one of the Preacher Davids right behind me after the service, to your preacher, or to me and I will find who you need.

I have no doubt that God was near my daddy as he called out to Him.

I have no doubt that God is near to you today and wants to be even closer.

All you have to do is ask.

April 3rd

The date never slips by me.

I may not think of it immediately when waking

but it never slips by.

April 3rd.

I met my Rob 27 years ago today.

(Photo from August 1993)

This year, I've thought of it a lot

as the date approached.

I guess all that's going on right now,

from the virus that has a grip on our world,

has me taking inventory 

of all that is important

and all that is loved.

And meeting my Rob is 

an important, loved memory.

April is the month when I met Rob,

when we had our first date,

and our second

and third

and fourth

and fifth

and sixth

and seventh,

etc.

We were together a lot after we first met.

It really was that fast that we knew.

Until the day I die

or unless dementia steals it away from me,

I will NEVER forget

the sweetness

of that 1993 April.

And, even though it makes me cry to think about it,

it also makes me smile and gives me JOY!

In this moment in time,

I need some JOY.

So I'm reading all of the posts 

I've written about meeting my Rob.

And I'm going to repost them.

Who knows?

Maybe our story will give you some JOY, too.

Because, even though our story

didn't end the way I wanted,

it still has a happy ending.

Rob is safely with our Lord Jesus

free from all of his earthly issues.

No worries about whether or not his lungs are working.

No worries at all.

None

at

all.

The kids and I are all good.

And I am happy that my love story with Rob

ever happened at all. 

And that 

is how 

I choose 

JOY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

April 3, 1993

19 years ago today, I met him. 

19 years ago today, I was wearing this outfit to go with Emilie to the Easter Drama, The Last Supper, at their church.  I had just turned 25 years old 4 days earlier. 

19 years ago today, I first laid eyes on Robert Edward Shelton.  And I immediately thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen. 

19 years ago today, he was dressed to portray the role of Judas.  I wish I had pictures.  He had a full beard.  He was barefooted.  I noticed he had hairy feet.  

19 years ago today, his church had praise and worship singing before the drama began.  

19 years ago today, he was playing his guitar in the praise band the first time I ever saw him. 

19 years ago today, he was bouncing up and down while playing his guitar - playing with such exuberance, praising our God.   

(May 1993)

19 years ago today, I watched him move about and heard him speak with such conviction during the drama as his character was betraying our Jesus - and I noticed the pain on his face as he threw the silver coins as he portrayed his character's guilt and remorse over that betrayal.  I admired how deeply he felt the pain.

19 years ago today, I watched as his character went off to die.   

19 years ago today, he changed clothes after the drama before coming out to meet me for the first time.  He changed into blue polyester golf pants and a golf shirt.  I still thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen.  

19 years ago today, we stood at the back of that church and talked as if no one else was even around.  It really was one of those magical, blessed moments that I somehow knew would change my world.  I could have stood there all night long drinking in all that I saw in his eyes.  He later told me the exact same thing - that he could have stood there all night "swimming in the blue of my eyes."  However, I was riding with Emilie and she had a young son to get into bed.  She had to come tell me it was time to go at least 2 times, maybe more. 

19 years ago today, I left my Rob's presence relunctantly but I felt a peace about him and somehow I  knew he would become part of my life.

(June 1993 - this was before it happened but this picture was taken on the day he proposed)

6 months ago, I watched as he - not a character he was portraying in a drama - lay dying.  I remember noticing, from the first moment that we found him unconscious, that there did not seem to be any pain showing on his face and I gave thanks for that then and now...

...but as I caught a glimpse of my face in the glass pane there in ICU and as I looked around at our children and our families and friends, I saw reflected the pain on all of our faces as we had to reluctantly let go of being in his presence.

19 years ago today, I came home from that Easter drama and thanked God for allowing me to meet

Robert Edward Shelton.

(August 1993 - in the Bahamas - on a one day cruise there and back)

Today, my prayer is the same. 

"Thank you God, that 19 years ago, I met my Rob.  I imagine him bouncing up and down praising You with such exuberance that it is magnified thousands and thousands of times since that time when I first saw him praising You 19 years ago.  I imagine him being free of all issues and only because I imagine him being in Your presence can I even begin to deal with the fact that he is not in mine. 

Thank you for that peace!"   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*P.S.     "WOW." 

Our internet at the parsonage is out today and they said it will be out until sometime tomorrow so I came up to the church to publish this post.  I was proofreading it once more before I hit "publish."  I have had the radio on K-Love the entire time I've been here.  Just before I hit "publish," the song, "I Can Only Imagine" came on and it is playing as I type these words.  So, to add another prayer---

"Thank you God, for that reminder, that Rob is indeed "forever praising and worshipping You."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

20 years - April 3, 1993

Twenty years ago today, I met my Rob.  

(Click here to see last year's post for more on the day I met him - April 3, 1993). 

During our life together, we had discussed this day many times.

It was to be the beginning of our year of celebration.

20 years since we met.

20 years since our first date.

20 years since our first kiss.

20 years since he asked me to marry him.

All leading up to our 20th wedding anniversary on January 1, 2014.

We had talked of taking a cruise for our 20th.

Instead, I am chartering waters without him.

And, without even meaning to, I am counting time backward instead of counting time forward.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thursday, April 3, 2014

21 years - April 3, 2014

     Written today: 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

21 years - April 3, 2014

I met Rob 21 years ago today.

And my world came alive

in a way I had never known before.

It is has been so difficult as this day has approached.

Since grief has visited me so differently for the last while (a good differently), I really didn't expect the difficulty with dealing with all of Rob's and my April anniversaries this year.

But the most important thing I've learned about this "new normal" of mine is that

nothing is ever as expected and nothing is ever normal

and grief shows up whenever it chooses.

Anyway, I really do not think it would have been the same degree of difficulty except that Anna is a senior this year and we are going to graduation meetings and I'm hearing people being nominated to speak at her graduation ceremony.  I had to work really hard to not cry at this last meeting because I was remembering the time when Anna was little (Kindergarten or so) and I had been to a homeschool meeting where we lived then.  They were discussing graduation and I came home and told Rob that he needed to start working now on what he might would say if he were chosen to speak when our kids graduate (my dad did the baccalaureate at ours).  

Rob made up a speech right then.  

I wish I could remember it.

And for the last couple of weeks, Anna and I have been going through photos to choose what she wants to put in her yearbook and for her graduation ceremony.

Thus, for what is needed for my daughter's and my PRESENT world, 

I've had to relive, through the photos, my past life with Rob.

I have a very photographic memory - I do not mean the kind of photographic memory where I remember everything I ever see or read - I mean that I have a vivid memory of almost every photo I've ever taken and when I see one of my photos, I can almost immediately, emotionally, be transplanted back into the moment.

It's just how my memory works.  My memory is not usually an active moving film.  

It's usually a series of still photos flashing through my mind.  

So, for the last couple of weeks, as I've gone through all of our family photos 

(and there are thousands and thousands), 

I've lived it all again.

I've smiled and laughed and cried as I've lived, through the photos;

our wedding, the birth of our children, birthdays, vacations, dance recitals, 

college move-in days, baptisms, moves to different churches, 

preschool, high school, college, and graduate school graduations, 

serious moments, silly moments, and so on and so on and so on.

And, once again, I have been so keenly aware of all I've lost.

And I really did lose so much of that past - I lost it in a very important way.  

There is no one else in the world who lived it with me other than Rob.

I think one of the things that surprised me about not having the man I had made a life with is how much having that someone to "remember with" matters.

It's almost as if, 

since there is no one else to "bounce" the memory ball around with, 

it didn't even happen.  

Someone told me that I dwell too much on remembered dates and memories and such.

I don't agree.  

I get up every day and rarely talk about any of it.

I take care of my children and my parents

and I keep going.

I rarely even speak of Rob anymore

because most of the people around me 

didn't even know him

and do not remember.

And unlike when he first died, 

it's not the first thing that hits my mind when I first awake.

But I do always remember the dates.

I'm a date person.

I still remember that January 3rd is my 6th grade boyfriend's birthday and one of my high school boyfriend's birthday is October 19th and one of my college boyfriend's birthday is March 26th.

It's just the way my mind works.

When Rob was alive and I would say to someone on an April 3rd that it was 15 years since Rob and I met, the response would be something like, 

"Aww, that's so sweet that you remember all of your dates - that's some kind of love."

Now that he's dead, if I happen to mention it to someone, the response can be something like, 

"You really should try and move on and not dwell on those dates."

I never quite know how to respond to those comments.

But I do know that it's the same as when he was alive.

I remember that first April 3rd day as if it were yesterday.

And I don't even have any photos of it.

I don't need them to remember that day.

Those photos live in my mind. 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Friday, April 3, 2015

22 Years - April 3, 1993

Today, April 3, 2015, marks 22 years since I met my Rob.

And the blunt truth is that, although I had thought of it leading up to the date, I was actually awake for over 4 hours this morning before I even thought about today and what it meant.  And it would have probably been longer if my FB page didn’t remind me that I had posted about it last year.

I would have remembered when I sat down to work on bills and I had to write the date but I honestly did not even think of it this morning.  In fact, I had not thought about it since 2 days ago because April 1^st always brings to mind the memories of that April twenty-two years ago
when I met my Rob.

My first instinct was to just let this day pass by with only me remembering it.

But I have some friends who have become widows and widowers in this past year 

and I know they read my blog.

I know that some of them,
just as I did in the beginning,

are looking for hope that the pain gets better.

For them, I am posting today.

As I read over what I have written on this date for the past 3 years

(I will repost those below this post),

I can certainly see the “shifts” taking place.

The first year, pure agony and longing were dominant.

The second year, pure sadness and "loss of the future" feelings were dominant.

The third year, pure “missingness” and appreciation of what had been were dominant.

This year,

well,

honoring what was

and all that it meant to me

and, at the same time,

looking forward to what God may have for me in the future

would be dominant.

And the fact that I was awake for over 4 hours before I even remembered

or noticed the date does not mean that I forgot.

In fact, I will never,
nor should I ever,
forget that day. 

I can instantly transplant my mind and emotions

to that moment in time

when I was standing before him

talking with him for the first time!

On that night,

I knew

that I knew

that I knew

that Rob would change my world.

And he did.

I have not forgotten that

“chills all over” specialness

of that first time seeing him.

And I certainly have not forgotten what it felt like to fall in love with him.

It was a glorious time!

But not thinking of this date today for over 4 hours of being awake

does mean,

to me,

that
life
is dominant now.

And that, my friends, is hope.

Hope for you that your memories will become sweet…

Hope for you that the pain does get better…

And hope for you that God holds your future

in His very capable Hands.

I actually have the audacity to pray and hope

that I will fall in love again
and that God will bless me with another marriage.

After having lived through loss,

I know I would appreciate it and savor it

on an entirely different level.

But whatever God holds for me in the future,

whether it be another marriage

or an entire lifetime of widowhood,

I will trust Him with it

and trust that He will provide the grace

that each will call for.

He has held me tightly

as I’ve walked this pathway

that I never chose to walk.

I have every bit of faith that He will continue to do so.

As I look back this year,

to the year I met my Rob;

I look back with;

gratefulness that I met him,

tender memories of the love he had for me,

sweet memories of the love I had for him,

forever appreciation for the children he fathered,

and thankfulness to God

that it happened at all!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Monday, April 16, 2018

25 Years - April 16, 1993

25 years ago, 

on Friday, April 16, 1993, 

I went on my very first date with my Rob.

It was magical.

Such sweet memories.

25 years ago, I could already see a future with my Rob.

25 years ago, I could already see a family with his Crystol 

and my future children with my Rob.

25 years ago, I could already see a future ministry with him.

And I am so blessed that all of that did come to pass.

Today, 

in my present life, 

I am working with my Wesley on 

his high school graduation announcements 

and transferring money for Anna's security deposit 

for where she will live for her job

after her college graduation.

Life continues to move forward and I am so blessed.

But I will never forget those sweet, sweet memories.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And this last post that I am reposting is about where it all began:

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Where It All Began

Twenty years ago, I was in the beginning stages of falling in love with my Rob.

This is Rob and Crystol in April 1993.

This is the 3 of us in a photo booth not long after we started dating.

Yesterday (Tuesday, May 7, 2013), I visited the place where it all began - the church he attended at the time - the place where I first ever saw his handsome face, first heard him play his guitar as he praised our Lord Jesus Christ, first watched him in front of a congregation as he portrayed Judas in The Last Supper, first heard his voice as he played his part with conviction - and I stood in the spot where I was first introduced to the man who would become my husband.

It wasn't a planned visit but I believe God planned it - much like I believe He planned our meeting 20 years ago.   Click here to read about that day.  The short version of that night is:

We stood at the back of that church and talked as if no one else was even around.  It really was one of those magical, blessed moments that I somehow knew would change my world.  I could have stood there all night long drinking in all that I saw in his eyes.  He later told me the exact same thing - that he could have stood there all night "swimming in the blue of my eyes." 

Yesterday, I needed to be in the town where we met for something and the place I needed to be was only a mile or so from the church where Rob and I met.  I had my sons with me so I decided to see if there was someone at the church who would let me show them where I met their dad.  I had not been back to this church since we attended the wedding shower they gave us at the time of our marriage.   

When I first pulled into the back parking lot and saw where Rob always parked his car, 

I almost pulled right back out.

It was IMMEDIATELY that painful. 

However, as with many things since Rob's death, I knew I needed to push through my instinct to run away from the pain.
Pushing through the pain has proven to be the labor that births my solace in so many situations since September 2011.

As the associate pastor showed us around, my boys were impressed by the children's area complete with a children's worship area, classrooms, and a game room.  Rob would have loved it.  It was awesome.  I should have gotten more photos of it  

Since the associate pastor was not at the church 20 years ago and since I only visited the church a few times (I was a member at a church in another town when I met Rob and he started going to church with me soon after), I first thought the children's area was the old sanctuary where I met Rob and it had been divided up into children's rooms when they finished the new sanctuary.

But as we walked into the sanctuary, I absolutely knew THIS was the room where I met my Rob.

I've talked to many people who have lost a spouse or a close loved one and they have told me that they can "feel" or that they "know" their loved one's presence or spirit is nearby.  For me, I've very rarely had that sensation since Rob died.  But one time that comes to mind is the last Sunday I was at Mt. Hermon UMC when I walked into the side door for the very last Sunday I would worship in that church.  Lots of times when I would get to the church on Sundays, Rob would be right there at that door coming out of his study or coming out of the choir room.  That Sunday is the only Sunday morning at Mt. Hermon after he died that I "felt" my Rob.  It was just an overwhelming sensation of his presence there waiting for me as I opened the church door that June 10, 2012 morning - almost a deja vu moment.  It was so powerful that if someone had not spoken to me right then, I would have probably turned around and walked out for a few minutes.

Yesterday, when I stepped into the sanctuary of this church where I met Rob, I had to take a deep breath to even steady myself.  I continued conversing with the associate pastor as if nothing was happening in my mind and in my spirit - but it was.  And it is hard to define.  I just know that when I turned my head to the left side of the way they have the sanctuary oriented now (pretty sure it was oriented differently 20 years ago) I felt such an overpowering sensation of my Rob that it literally was breathtaking.  It was something akin to what I felt 20 years ago when I met him.  A breathtaking moment then and a breathtaking moment yesterday. And when I turned toward the sound booth (again, pretty sure it was oriented differently 20 years ago too - in the middle of the back instead of off to the side like it is now), the sensation got even more powerful.  You see, it was in front of that sound booth where Rob and I were first introduced and we stood and talked that very first time we met - the time when neither one of us wanted to leave each other's presence.

As I continued to talk with the associate pastor and as I watched my sons walk around this church where their father and I met, my mind swirled with the thoughts that I hoped Rob could see it all.  I hoped he could see his sons checking out the stage in the church where he had played for years on the praise team.  I hoped he could see his sons close to the altar of this church where he told me he prayed so much for a Godly wife and more children.  And I even hoped, for a moment, that he could see my tears because being back where it all began was making me miss him all over again.  

It never ceases to amaze me how many dimensions there are to missing him.

The associate pastor gave me the cell number of Rob's best friend at this church, Ray.  Ray was a groomsman and he played his guitar for the singers at our wedding.  

Ray and Rob were both guitar players at their church and they were very close during the 5 years Rob attended church with him. I wish we had not lost touch with Ray over the years but it just sort of happened.  Rob moved out of that town when we married.  Rob got busy with seminary, the ministry, having more children, and just life in general.  But he never forgot his friend.  I have found Ray's name and the names of all of his friends from this church and the church as a whole listed in many of Rob's prayer journals, especially when we heard that the church was going through a church split and the original church was renamed.  He never forgot this church and what it meant to him at a time when he so needed what they offered.  In fact, this plaque he received from the church hung in every study he occupied in his 17 years of ministry - right alongside his diplomas and degrees.  

After the boys and I left the church, I called Ray as I sat in the parking lot.  It was both a wonderful and a painful conversation.  I had tried to find Ray and his wife, Ronda in the days after Rob died but the number I had in my book was not right so he did not know Rob had died.  Having to tell someone is like reliving it all again.  But that wasn't the most painful part of the conversation.  From my experience with Ray, he is an encourager.  And he really loved Rob.  He was saying such wonderful things about the Rob I fell in love with - my Rob - and with every word, it felt like there was a knife piercing my heart all over again.  Ray was telling me how much he cared about Rob and what a great friend he was.  Ray said Rob was so full of integrity, so much the real deal, so genuine, and was so dedicated and loyal.  Ray also said wonderful things about me.  Ray said that they had been praying for a wife for Rob and that they were all so happy when God sent Rob a good woman.  Ray told me he so much wanted his friends to be happy and that he had never seen Rob happier than when I came into his life.  Ray, speaking with that smile you can just hear in his voice, said, "I'm the kind of person who likes to see my friends happy and I can tell you this, Janna.  You made Rob happy!"  

It was wonderful to hear those words.  But at the same time, it was heartbreaking.

Simultaneous seems to be the definition of my life now.

It was so soothing and yet so sad to hear Ray talk about the time period in which I was falling in love with my Rob.  It was good to be reminded of that time from someone who was there. 

Falling in love with my Rob was so much fun.

Remembering that yesterday was good -

even through the searing pain of knowing it is over.  

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Back to today - April 3, 2020

If you've made it all the way to the end of these posts,

I applaud you! 😀

And thank you for taking the JOY journey with me!