33

Dear My Crystol Erin,

All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother.

Because you came as a package deal with your father,

marrying your father fulfilled both.

When I was growing up and envisioning my future family,

I don’t remember ever envisioning being a stepmother.

But I cannot even fathom it having been any other way.

I cannot imagine not having known you.

The 10, almost 11, year old you.

All the way to the 33 year old you.

From barbies

to summer camp

to make-up

to getting your ears re-pierced

to part-time high school and summer jobs

to cars

to dates

to colleges

to full-time jobs

to a wedding

and now just this year to your first house with your husband of almost 3 years.

(my grand-dog, Liebe, enjoying the flowers at your new house)

It has all gone by in a few blinks of my eye, my Crystol Erin.

But what sweet blinks they have been, my girl.

For I have had the privilege of watching you grow up.

I have had the privilege of watching you go after what you wanted.

I have had the privilege of comforting you during your sad times.

I have had the privilege of celebrating with you in your happy times.

And, because it’s part of a good parent’s responsibility and because it helped you develop into the fine young woman you are today, I even call it a privilege to have had the opportunity to (along with your mother and father) discipline you in your not so good times.

It has ALL been a privilege, my girl.

YOU have been and will always be a treasured gift with immeasurable value

and I look forward to many, many more years of privileges with you!

We had a conversation a few days ago about the title of stepmother and you gave me the ultimate compliment when you said that you’ve always thought of me as 

so much more than “just” a stepmother.

Using one of my favorite possessive pronouns, you said,

“You are my Janna.”

And that, MY girl, made me smile!

Happy Birthday, my Crystol Erin!

I love you!

Always have!

Always will!

With all of my love,

Your Janna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And just so, through the photos, you can take a walk down memory lane, 

here are my posts from the last 2 years about your birthdays!

Love you!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

32

Dear my Crystol,

I cannot believe you are turning 32 years old today. 

I was in my 7^th year of being your stepmother when I turned 32. 

I was 8 months pregnant with your first brother when I turned 32. 

And you were 2½ months away from graduating high school when I turned 32. 

It’s so hard to believe that many years have gone by.

I still distinctly remember your 11^th birthday – the first birthday you had after I had met you.  

We bought you a Barbie house and a few Barbies to go with it.  

Your dad asked me to marry him the same month you turned 11 and I married him 6½ months later.

I remember your 13^th, when I took you to get your make-up done. 

We had such a fun day that day.

I remember your 16^th, when your dad and I gave you a surprise party. 

So many helped with making that surprise happen.  You had a great day!

I remember your 18^th, which we celebrated at the same time as your high school graduation.

I remember your 21^st, when Joan, Jamie, your dad, your siblings and I all took you out to eat in your college town (will add a photo when I have time to find it). 

I remember your 30^th, the first one after your dad died. 

That one was hard.

We both missed him being there so much. 

But we managed to have fun celebrating you.

And that was the birthday when your mother and I

picked out and gave you the exact same card. 

You loved that!

Yesterday, I watched you drive away from my house after you had been 

here for your sister’s high school graduation.  

It seems like just yesterday that I was watching you graduate from high school.  And now, here you are turning 32 years old and have been married to Alan for almost 2 years.  That almost seems impossible.

I’ve been one of your parents through a lot of things, my Crystol.

Barbies, all that’s involved with growing up, first high school job interview at the YMCA, starting a checking account, teaching you to drive, first date, boyfriends, helping to calm your nerves when you were starting middle school and getting to take you to find your locker so you wouldn’t be lost on your first day, high school graduation, taking you to record your album that is a wonderful collection of the songs you had written, college admission, college transfer, college graduation and 2 graduate school graduations, job searches, decisions about moving out of state, death, grief, engagement, wedding, and marriage.

I am thankful that I got to be there for you for all of it.

And I’m thankful you are one of mine.

I always will be here for you.

That will never change. 

Crystol Erin, you’ve never felt like a stepdaughter to me.

You’ve always just been my daughter who happens to already have her mother.

I love you, Crystol Erin!

Always have!

Always will!

Happy 32^nd Birthday!

Love, Janna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, June 3, 2013

31

She is 31 today.

My oldest child.  The child who made me a mother.

My stepdaughter.

Who is as much my child as the 3 children I carried in my womb.

My oldest daughter.  She came as a package deal with her father.

He walked into our very first date carrying a photo of her.

He made it clear she was his priority.  I admired that.

It seems like just yesterday that she first became a part of my life as I was falling deeply in love with her father...and with her.

I cannot even remember what life was like without her.

I met my Crystol Erin 20 years ago in the spring of 1993.  She was 10 - almost 11.

Now she is turning 31.  How can that even be?

She and I - we've gone through a lot together.

She taught me how to parent.

She's the first one I taught how to do so many things - like how to drive and so many more things that are private.

She's the first one who taught me so many things - like how to love a child unconditionally and so many more things that are private.

She's the first one I watched walk across a high school graduation stage, a bachelor's degree graduation stage, a master's degree graduation stage, and then a second master's degree graduation stage.

She's the first one we moved in and out of dorm rooms and apartments during the college years.

She was in the delivery room when I gave birth to Luke.  She was 20 1/2 then.

She's the first one I had to let go of when she became an adult.

She's the first one I watched walk down her wedding aisle, on the arm of her brother... 

...to marry the love of her life.  

She's the only child of mine who was there both the day I married her dad and the day we watched him die.

As I said - she and I - we've been though a lot together.

And she has brought me such joy over the years- this oldest child of mine.

(her June 3rd birthday, 2012)

I did not carry this daughter in my womb and I did not give birth to her.

But she, along with my other 3 children, will always be carried in my heart.

Happy 31st Birthday, my Crystol Erin!

I love you!

Sometimes Still

Very, very, very, very, very

rarely

does it take me by

surprise

anymore

that 

he's

dead

but just now,

while cleaning off my hutch,

I came across this.

It took my breath for a moment.

And it made me cry.

It's the bag of photos that I carried around for 

what seemed like forever after Rob died.

It was a small microcosm 

of the world 

I had lost

carried in the reality

of Rob's funeral home

photo keepsake.

It held family photos,

the wallet photos Rob carried in his wallet

(including my wedding portrait photo that he had carried for our entire marriage),

and the memory verses that he was working on 

with a note written to himself to ask the church treasurer 

about something he wanted to order.

The reason I carried it then was twofold.

It helped me face reality

every 

single 

time

I

saw 

it...

...and it helped me remember.

It did the same today.

Step Two For Mama

Spent the day with my mom at the doctor.

The first cast was removed.

The surgical incision from her broken ankle surgery has healed nicely

and the staples were removed.

X-rays were taken.

The bones are healing the way they're supposed to be -

all lining up with the metal plate and screws.

She then had the second cast put on

(a weight bearing cast)

and when I saw it, I knew it was going to be a good one.

Because it's Duke Blue! 

My Dad - The Tag Along

My dad cannot really be left alone anymore.

With his brittle diabetes and his dementia, he needs monitoring.

His need to take care of everything mixed with the inability to do so now 

is sometimes a dangerous mix.

Since my mom is still living at the rehab center for her broken ankle, this means that 

my children and I are “on guard” at all times.

Wesley has been spending the night there since my mom has been gone.

An aide (CNA) comes in from 8 – 10 a.m. on weekdays.

My sister and her husband each have been coming and taking him to see Mama once a week.

My sister-in-law spent the Saturday night of Mother's Day weekend with him
while my brother spent that night in the hospital with my mama.

My cousin came and stayed with him so the kids and I could go get our new cell phones.

But other than that, it’s all on my kids and me.

So last night, when the kids had youth and I had a board meeting at church and I did not have anyone to stay with him, I just loaded him up and took him with me.

It reminded me of all of the times when I would tag along with him when I was a little girl – going visiting, going to the church, going to seminary with him, going to the store.  

I just wanted to go wherever he was going and he usually let me.

He was so excited about going, especially since it was our preacher’s last board meeting 

(Tal will be moving this month).

My dad, the retired preacher, who over the course of his 50 years in the ministry went to countless board meetings, was excited to once again be going to a church board meeting 

for the first time since the fall of 2008.

And he had fun.

He did not nod off one single time.

He intently concentrated on every word the board chairman spoke, 

leaning forward into the conversations taking place.

It was a little like having my dad back again.

And it was nice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And on a side note, you know you really do live in the country when 

a cow tries to follow you to the board meeting!