Annual Conference - A Clergy Widow's View

Annual Conference started today.

That statement alone brings so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions that it is impossible to name them all -

but they run the gamut from celebration to grief.

For most of my 46 years (first with my dad’s ministry and then with my late husband’s ministry), the events sealed at Annual Conference dictated the life I would lead for each year afterward.

And now, as I watch the live-stream of conference and feel the pull of familiar twinges of the goings on there, I realize yet once again that I am no longer part of that community.

And that, in itself, is sad.

Oh, I could still go to conference.

In fact, I was supposed to take my dad to the retirees’ luncheon but because I didn’t have anyone to stay with my mom, those plans fell through.

But even if I went to conference, it wouldn’t be the same.

Because he’s dead.

And although I rarely dwell on it anymore, the finality of it hits me anew at certain times 

– like now –

with conference going on in the present

and Father’s Day looming on the horizon in just 4 days.

I am very thankful for the years I had with my Rob

. 

I am thankful I know what it feels like to have been loved.

 

I am thankful we had our children – all 4 of them.

I am thankful that we had our ministry – at all 5 of his church appointments.

 

I am thankful that I am “yet alive,” relatively healthy,

and should be able to finish raising our children.

I am thankful that my children are happily living in their presents

and that they are living, full of hope, into their futures. 

I am thankful that God is good all of the time. 

I am thankful that God is present in the nightmares.

 

I am thankful God is present in the laughter.

 

I am thankful that God is present in the tears.

 

I am thankful that God is present in the joy.

 

I am thankful God was there at the Annual Conferences when 

Rob was licensed to preach,

when Rob became a local pastor, 

when Rob was commissioned, 

when Rob was ordained elder, 

and when Rob was memorialized at the clergy memorial service in 2012.

And I am thankful that God is present at Annual Conference 2014.

But today,
in this moment,
it just stings me to my very core

that Rob 

is not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last Annual Conference I attended was in 2012.  This is what I wrote on that day.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Ministry Life Cycle

For me, it now feels as if Rob's ministry life cycle is complete

and the ministry we had together is officially over forever.

We are no longer residents of a parsonage

and the last official service involving anything to do with my husband was today.

Today, at this year's Annual Conference, was the Memorial Service for all clergy who have died since last Annual Conference.

My father went with us.  My sister, brother-in-law, and my aunt met us there.

It took us a while to get anywhere because my father is popular and he kept being greeted by his friends.  My father was SO HAPPY to get to be at Conference and see his friends.  

As I walked in the convention center, the first thing I noticed was the Cokesbury book store arrow on the carpet.  It made me smile as I thought about how Rob would always come home from conference having spent WAY MORE than we could afford on books but always making sure that I knew my dad had paid for part of them.

During the service, my dad took notes.

My son, Luke, did this during the service.  

I wrote him a note saying "I love you."  He added a 2 that changed it to this.  It made me smile.

I was fine until the processional started.  I turned around to see the cross and staff being carried in (the staff was carried by my second cousin, David - who is also a UM minister).  

As I turned to see them walk in - it was as if all of the processionals Rob had been a part of flashed unbidden before my eyes -

his license to preach processional in the Western Conference

his local pastor processional in our Conference

his commissioning processional

and his processional when he was ordained Elder

I was there for all of them - even the time when I was still in the severe nausea stage of my pregnancy with Luke

I was there - watching and supporting my husband as he publicly went through all of the steps of ordained ministry in the United Methodist Church

And today, I was there in an unimaginable and extremely painful role - standing beside his children 

as his widow

still supporting the last official act involving his ministry.

As his name was called, a candle was lit in his memory.

I am still getting notes and letters about how my late husband's ministry touched people's lives and I expect that God will continue to use the good that my husband did.  But for me, the moment that candle was lit completed my late husband's ministry cycle.  And it was so sad.

After the service and the luncheon, the boys enjoyed the escalators.

And we were all tired and ready to be home.

Robert Edward Shelton

Jan. 18, 1959 - Sept. 20, 2011

Ministry Life

June 1995 - Sept. 20, 2011

32

Dear my Crystol,

I cannot believe you are turning 32 years old today. 

I was in my 7^th year of being your stepmother when I turned 32. 

I was 8 months pregnant with your first brother when I turned 32. 

And you were 2½ months away from graduating high school when I turned 32. 

It’s so hard to believe that many years have gone by.

I still distinctly remember your 11^th birthday – the first birthday you had after I had met you.  

We bought you a Barbie house and a few Barbies to go with it.  

Your dad asked me to marry him the same month you turned 11 and I married him 6½ months later.

I remember your 13^th, when I took you to get your make-up done. 

We had such a fun day that day.

I remember your 16^th, when your dad and I gave you a surprise party. 

So many helped with making that surprise happen.  You had a great day!

I remember your 18^th, which we celebrated at the same time as your high school graduation.

I remember your 21^st, when Joan, Jamie, your dad, your siblings and I all took you out to eat in your college town (will add a photo when I have time to find it). 

I remember your 30^th, the first one after your dad died. 

That one was hard.

We both missed him being there so much. 

But we managed to have fun celebrating you.

And that was the birthday when your mother and I

picked out and gave you the exact same card. 

You loved that!

Yesterday, I watched you drive away from my house after you had been 

here for your sister’s high school graduation.  

It seems like just yesterday that I was watching you graduate from high school.  And now, here you are turning 32 years old and have been married to Alan for almost 2 years.  That almost seems impossible.

I’ve been one of your parents through a lot of things, my Crystol.

 

Barbies, all that’s involved with growing up, first high school job interview at the YMCA, starting a checking account, teaching you to drive, first date, boyfriends, helping to calm your nerves when you were starting middle school and getting to take you to find your locker so you wouldn’t be lost on your first day, high school graduation, taking you to record your album that is a wonderful collection of the songs you had written, college admission, college transfer, college graduation and 2 graduate school graduations, job searches, decisions about moving out of state, death, grief, engagement, wedding, and marriage.

I am thankful that I got to be there for you for all of it.

And I’m thankful you are one of mine.

I always will be here for you.

That will never change. 

Crystol Erin, you’ve never felt like a stepdaughter to me.

You’ve always just been my daughter who happens to already have her mother.

I love you, Crystol Erin!

Always have!

Always will!

Happy 32^nd Birthday!

Love, Janna