Our Day So Far

Anna practiced a chemistry experiment in our back yard 

but she absolutely refuses to let me post the

photos of it until after she does it in class. 

My son picked me a flower while Anna was getting the experiment set up...

And...

...Ten short days ago, I bought new bicycles for all 4 of us.

Luke, being the youngest, had never had a brand new bike.

He had always just gotten Wesley's hand-me-downs.

So he was especially thrilled.

All of the kids have been riding every day since then and having so much fun,

especially Luke.

Well, it lasted 10 days.

This happened today!

Bike wheels aren't supposed to look like figure 8's! 

So now, finding a bike repair shop is on my to do list for this week! 

But thank God it's not Luke that's broken!

No Wonder I'm Tired

There really is nothing like seeing one’s life in numbers.

I think this every year when I do taxes.

I just finished my parents’ taxes and my taxes today.

I’ve done our taxes since the year a company charged us $550 because we had so many forms to file with our return.

I started doing my parents’ taxes that year too.

And doing a minister’s taxes is not easy.

Ministers are dual status – employed for tax purposes

-  self-employed for social security purposes.

Every year, I would relive the year by the numbers.

And the numbers showed a life full of struggles but also a life full of blessings.

The doctors’ and hospital’s cost of my precious babies being born; all of the ministry moves along with reimbursed moving expenses; the year we got our retirement house along with its mortgage; tuition for Duke Divinity School for Rob; college tuition (our part) for Crystol; the costs of the ministers’ conferences at the beach when the children and I would tag along (only Rob’s cost was deductible – we paid the family’s part out of pocket, of course); the 5 surgeries for my children; the 3 broken arms – 1 break for each child (thankfully none in the same years); the cost of the overnight hospital stay for Luke after his heart stopped during surgery; the overnight hospital stay for me when they were starting to decide whether or not I have MS; the overnight hospital stay after my emergency appendectomy; the many hospital stays for my Rob and his bouts with pneumonia; the miles driven for doctor visits; the tithe and offerings given each and every year for as far back as I’ve had to pay taxes; and so much more.

Then there was the year I had to relive the numbers of my husband’s death. 

Tears flowed often while doing the taxes that year – when computing the ICU costs - checking the deceased block – filling in the date of death – checking the married filing jointly box even though he wasn’t alive to be married to for ¼ of the year. 

The next year was bad too

for that year held no trace of my late husband in the numbers.

He had just ceased to be.

The numbers confirmed it.

And THAT was hard.

This year was better.

I didn’t cry at all.

And even though it still made me take a deep breath,

I did not flinch while checking that “single” box.

I still hate it though.

There were 2 categories that caught my attention the most this year while doing taxes.

First, I paid $16,319.28 in health insurance premiums.

That is not a typo.

I paid sixteen thousand, three hundred nineteen dollars and twenty eight cents

to keep the conference health insurance for my 3 children and me.

That is more than double the annual salary that I was paid for my very first full-time job.

I obviously knew what I have been paying each month but it’s just something else to see that huge number at the end of the year just to have health insurance.

And secondly, I discovered – by looking at the numbers –

one of the reasons why I’m so tired all of the time.

I take care of my parents –

neither one can drive anymore and my mom is in a wheelchair.

I take care of my 3 children still at home

and I try to take care of me too.

That’s 6 people  - 2 households.

I am the one who takes everybody to all of their doctor appointments.

I am the one who picks up all of the prescriptions.

Here are the numbers:

All together, the 6 of us had 77 doctor/dentist/ER visits.

(That’s an average of 6.42 appointments a month).

All together, the 6 of us required 107 trips to pick up prescriptions.

(That’s an average of 8.92 trips a month).

All of which equaled a total of 8,094 miles driven for medical purposes.

(That's an average of 674.5 miles a month).

And to that I say,

I am thankful we live in a country where we can get medical care.

I am thankful God has provided a way for me to pay for what my kids and I need.

I am thankful I can get my parents where they need to be.

I am thankful that my children are healthy.

But I also say…

…no wonder I’m tired! 

Happy Almost Tax Day to everyone!

My Anna

Great and successful morning shopping for prom dresses for my Anna!

(She got them both.  She's going to 2 different proms).

Great dinner with some special ladies at their church!

And now back to doing taxes..

UUUGGGHHH!

Alan

To my Alan,

The day was Friday, September 23^rd, 2011.

The funeral for Crystol’s father, my Rob, was over.

We were all gathered in the Family Life Center sharing a meal and time together.

I walked back to the church to get all of the leftover programs from the service.

On my way back to the Family Life Center, I saw the 3 of you:

Crystol’s mother, Sharon; Crystol’s stepfather, Jack; and you.

The 3 of you were standing right outside one of the doors to the Family Life Center.

And you were, by the looks on all of your faces, involved in a serious discussion.

And then it just hit me like a bolt of lightening and I knew.

I just knew.

I somehow, without being told, just knew that you were asking for Crystol’s hand in marriage.

I turned around and walked back into the church…

the church where my husband’s funeral had just taken place…

and faced, so very alone, the very first monumental life event in my so very new “after.”

It would be the first of many, many times that I would utter aloud to a no longer alive Rob, “You should be here for this time in your child’s life.”

After regaining my composure, I walked back to the Family Life Center, making certain to use a different door so as not to interfere in what I knew was happening and I wondered if I would find out soon if I had been right or not.

I didn’t have much time to focus on my wonderings though because, on top of the fact that I had just buried my husband, my youngest son (who always seemed to get sick at the same time as his father) was having a very hard time breathing.  His wheezing was so loud that we could hear it from across the very large room.   I had a nebulizer in the car but I knew he needed antibiotics too.  After all, his dad had just died and we did not know what caused Rob to become unconscious and I definitely wanted to make sure Luke didn’t have any reason to end up with the same thing.  So I was busy arranging who would take the rest of my children home from their father’s funeral so I could get Luke to the doctor.  (He ended up having bronchitis and was given a double breathing treatment and antibiotics and he was fine after a couple of days).

After taking Luke to the doctor and the pharmacy; stopping by the funeral home to pick up something they had for me; and stopping by my parents’ house, I finally arrived back at the parsonage where we lived then.

You met me in the garage.

Luke, feeling much better by this time, went on into the house to be with his cousins.

You seemed a little nervous.

And I knew.

I knew you were going to ask me too.

And you did.

I asked you all of the questions I knew her dad would have asked

and then a few he probably wouldn’t have thought of.

And again, as I stood in that parsonage garage on the passenger side of the van with you helping me to gather up the things I had taken to my Rob’s funeral and some of the flowers I had brought home from my husband’s grave, I thought to myself, “Rob, you should be here for this time in your child’s life.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I said it on that day, but today, on your birthday, I want to say it again.

Thank you for asking me.

Thank you for including me.

Thank you for still considering me a parental unit in the new equation of Crystol’s parents minus one.

After all, her father was gone.  You had already asked her mother and stepfather.  You didn’t have to ask me.

But you did.

And in that moment, you became one of mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you, Alan, for loving my children…

...all 4 of them…

…but especially the one child of mine

whose heartbeat did not grow underneath mine.

Happy Birthday Alan Lee!

I love you,

Janna

Heartbeats

My world…

My babies…

The 3 heartbeats that grew under mine…

The 3 heartbeats that now keep mine going…

21 years - April 3, 2014

     Written today: 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

21 years - April 3, 2014

I met Rob 21 years ago today.

And my world came alive

in a way I had never known before.

It is has been so difficult as this day has approached.

Since grief has visited me so differently for the last while (a good differently), I really didn't expect the difficulty with dealing with all of Rob's and my April anniversaries this year.

But the most important thing I've learned about this "new normal" of mine is that

nothing is ever as expected and nothing is ever normal

and grief shows up whenever it chooses.

Anyway, I really do not think it would have been the same degree of difficulty except that Anna is a senior this year and we are going to graduation meetings and I'm hearing people being nominated to speak at her graduation ceremony.  I had to work really hard to not cry at this last meeting because I was remembering the time when Anna was little (Kindergarten or so) and I had been to a homeschool meeting where we lived then.  They were discussing graduation and I came home and told Rob that he needed to start working now on what he might would say if he were chosen to speak when our kids graduate (my dad did the baccalaureate at ours).  

Rob made up a speech right then.  

I wish I could remember it.

And for the last couple of weeks, Anna and I have been going through photos to choose what she wants to put in her yearbook and for her graduation ceremony.

Thus, for what is needed for my daughter's and my PRESENT world, 

I've had to relive, through the photos, my past life with Rob.

I have a very photographic memory - I do not mean the kind of photographic memory where I remember everything I ever see or read - I mean that I have a vivid memory of almost every photo I've ever taken and when I see one of my photos, I can almost immediately, emotionally, be transplanted back into the moment.

It's just how my memory works.  My memory is not usually an active moving film.  

It's usually a series of still photos flashing through my mind.  

So, for the last couple of weeks, as I've gone through all of our family photos 

(and there are thousands and thousands), 

I've lived it all again.

I've smiled and laughed and cried as I've lived, through the photos;

our wedding, the birth of our children, birthdays, vacations, dance recitals, 

college move-in days, baptisms, moves to different churches, 

preschool, high school, college, and graduate school graduations, 

serious moments, silly moments, and so on and so on and so on.

And, once again, I have been so keenly aware of all I've lost.

And I really did lose so much of that past - I lost it in a very important way.  

There is no one else in the world who lived it with me other than Rob.

I think one of the things that surprised me about not having the man I had made a life with is how much having that someone to "remember with" matters.

It's almost as if, 

since there is no one else to "bounce" the memory ball around with, 

it didn't even happen.  

Someone told me that I dwell too much on remembered dates and memories and such.

I don't agree.  

I get up every day and rarely talk about any of it.

I take care of my children and my parents

and I keep going.

I rarely even speak of Rob anymore

because most of the people around me 

didn't even know him

and do not remember.

And unlike when he first died, 

it's not the first thing that hits my mind when I first awake.

But I do always remember the dates.

I'm a date person.

I still remember that January 3rd is my 6th grade boyfriend's birthday and one of my high school boyfriend's birthday is October 19th and one of my college boyfriend's birthday is March 26th.

It's just the way my mind works.

When Rob was alive and I would say to someone on an April 3rd that it was 15 years since Rob and I met, the response would be something like, 

"Aww, that's so sweet that you remember all of your dates - that's some kind of love."

Now that he's dead, if I happen to mention it to someone, the response can be something like, 

"You really should try and move on and not dwell on those dates."

I never quite know how to respond to those comments.

But I do know that it's the same as when he was alive.

I remember that first April 3rd day as if it were yesterday.

And I don't even have any photos of it.

I don't need them to remember that day.

Those photos live in my mind. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           Written on: 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

20 years - April 3, 1993

Twenty years ago today, I met my Rob.  

During our life together, we had discussed this day many times.

It was to be the beginning of our year of celebration.

20 years since we met.

20 years since our first date.

20 years since our first kiss.

20 years since he asked me to marry him.

All leading up to our 20th wedding anniversary on January 1, 2014.

We had talked of taking a cruise for our 20th.

Instead, I am chartering waters without him.

And, without even meaning to, I am counting time backward instead of counting time forward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Written on:

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

April 3, 1993

19 years ago today, I met him. 

19 years ago today, I was wearing this outfit to go with Emilie to the Easter Drama, The Last Supper, at their church.  I had just turned 25 years old 4 days earlier. 

19 years ago today, I first laid eyes on Robert Edward Shelton.  And I immediately thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen. 

19 years ago today, he was dressed to portray the role of Judas.  I wish I had pictures.  He had a full beard.  He was barefooted.  I noticed he had hairy feet.  

19 years ago today, his church had praise and worship singing before the drama began.  

19 years ago today, he was playing his guitar in the praise band the first time I ever saw him. 

19 years ago today, he was bouncing up and down while playing his guitar - playing with such exuberance, praising our God.   

(May 1993)

19 years ago today, I watched him move about and heard him speak with such conviction during the drama as his character was betraying our Jesus - and I noticed the pain on his face as he threw the silver coins as he portrayed his character's guilt and remorse over that betrayal.  I admired how deeply he felt the pain.

19 years ago today, I watched as his character went off to die.   

19 years ago today, he changed clothes after the drama before coming out to meet me for the first time.  He changed into blue polyester golf pants and a golf shirt.  I still thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen.  

19 years ago today, we stood at the back of that church and talked as if no one else was even around.  It really was one of those magical, blessed moments that I somehow knew would change my world.  I could have stood there all night long drinking in all that I saw in his eyes.  He later told me the exact same thing - that he could have stood there all night "swimming in the blue of my eyes."  However, I was riding with Emilie and she had a young son to get into bed.  She had to come tell me it was time to go at least 2 times, maybe more. 

19 years ago today, I left my Rob's presence reluctantly but I felt a peace about him and somehow I  knew he would become part of my life.

(June 1993 - this was before it happened but this picture was taken on the day he proposed)

6 months ago, I watched as he - not a character he was portraying in a drama - lay dying.  I remember noticing, from the first moment that we found him unconscious, that there did not seem to be any pain showing on his face and I gave thanks for that then and now...

...but as I caught a glimpse of my face in the glass pane there in ICU and as I looked around at our children and our families and friends, I saw reflected the pain on all of our faces as we had to reluctantly let go of being in his presence.

19 years ago today, I came home from that Easter drama and thanked God for allowing me to meet

Robert Edward Shelton.

(August 1993 - in the Bahamas - on a one day cruise there and back)

Today, my prayer is the same. 

"Thank you God, that 19 years ago, I met my Rob.  I imagine him bouncing up and down praising You with such exuberance that it is magnified thousands and thousands of times since that time when I first saw him praising You 19 years ago.  I imagine him being free of all issues and only because I imagine him being in Your presence can I even begin to deal with the fact that he is not in mine. 

Thank you for that peace!"   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*P.S.     "WOW." 

Our internet at the parsonage is out today and they said it will be out until sometime tomorrow so I came up to the church to publish this post.  I was proofreading it once more before I hit "publish."  I have had the radio on K-Love the entire time I've been here.  Just before I hit "publish," the song, "I Can Only Imagine" came on and it is playing as I type these words.  So, to add another prayer---

"Thank you God, for that reminder, that Rob is indeed "forever praising and worshipping You."